Fighting inner demons

I am 43 years old , 5 foot 3. , my last weigh in was 527 lbs. my highest weight was 650 lbs. I am in a bariatric surgeons program in Richmond B.C.. Once a person enrolls the surgeons team takes over and consists of every professional one needs to go through surgery. An appointment with the actual surgeon is not granted until all team member see you and sign off saying you are ready. It is a wonderful program. I have been working my way through the program and I am 1 step away from my surgical appointment. I need to be 475 lbs to be able to have an M.R.I. Pre op.. I have my weigh in schedualled for  this friday and i am so nervous I have barely eaten or slept in days now. Not fearing. I failed, but rather I am sure I am below 475 and its surgery time. 

I have had extensive therapy trying to discover why i eat and it is a  defensive mechanism. You see, I  am very undersized down below The belt  and terrified of intimacy so I got fat  to avoid any chance of that situation. I have never even been on a date and although i would love to, my self esteem and shame issues  are too paralyzing.

now that I am 43 and my knees  are so sore that I can hardly walk I want And need to loose weight. I have been safe with my shield of fat  my whole life but its going away now and I am starting to panic. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I am being pulled in 2 directions. 1 being. Stay fat. Stay safe. The other. Drop weight.. Its painful. Its killing you

I desperately want to stop existing and start living before i run out of years to live..I thought  this would be a safe place to rant and get this off my chest hoping to calm my nerves by seeing it in type.  

It looks like you started an account, made your post, and deactivated your account. No problem, just know that we are not judgemental here. You sound liek you're getting your head in the right place. We all have something that gets us started in this process, and we all have had reasons for gaining weight. 

I hope that you at least lurk a little while, and if you feel comfortable, check back in. Best of luck to you. 

I am a female, but was on here to see if ChubbyHubby had recently posted. Have not seen him on VSG board since his setback after surgery...

Anyhow, I did want to respond to your post. I am sure you have heard it a million times, but to the majority of women out there...SIZE DOES NOT MATTER! Please don't allow it to affect your health any longer or make you wary of relationships. I am happily married to a man who had concerns, and the bottom line is a relationship is about so much more than that. If you work on developing a friendship first any sexual 'issues' will fall into place.

Stay in therapy...it sounds like it is working since you have come this far. And bear in mind any women who might have a size issue is not the right one for you anyhow...so no loss there!

Good luck!

I always thought of myself as being a little on the short end of the stick, so to speak. Been married twice,  have had countless girlfriends, and never had any complaints. Now that I've lost 139lbs, I am no where near the short end any more. You may surprise yourself to find out how much is covered up by fat. 

The lady who posted above is also right. Any woman who puts that above all else is not worth having. She's probably had so many only a huge one will suffice. Besides,  there are many other ways to please a woman besides intercourse.