Need Help and Guidance

Did I make a mistake deciding to have RNY surgery?  I started my 14 day protein shake diet yesterday looking at the 17th for the surgery.  Today I spent half a day at the hospital doing all the pre-op testing.  We have our oldest grandson staying with us this weekend and he just told me something terrible about his Dad.  My youngest son, who has been in the US Army for the past 6+ yrs is going to Afghanistan on Sunday.  He and his wife have been estranged from his Mother and I for the past 32 months.  He made the decision to separate from the family, including his brother, sister and their families.  It's eaten at me all this time but I've made myself live with it while he was in Germany and Ft Riley, KS.  But now that he's going to a combat zone I don't know if I can handle it.  I spent 20 yrs in the Army and went to Vietnam but I was tight with my family.  Suddenly my new life doesn't look as exciting to me anymore.  I may be an "oldman" but I need some fatherly advise!

I can only imagine it is tough to be in this situation. Many times when people are stressed about life we find it hard to do something for ourselves. This is going to be a life changing experience and you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to do everything you can to extend your lifetime. Even though your son is not on speaking terms with you now doesnt mean that won't change. You also have your grandchildren, children and wife to think about. We all fall in a rut and become obese and just give up on life. I am telling you now, you do not remember how different life was before becoming obese. You will no longer be a couch potato. You will spend more time with your kids and grandchilren (and be able to keep up with them). You will force your self to get out of the house and do things that you normally would not do. I'm sorry for rambling on but I just can't think of a down side to having my RNY. Yes, I was very depressed before surgery but because of my progress many things in life have gotten better. As far as the relationship with your son is concerned it is difficult to mend a relationship that has been troubled for some time. But, can you extend a olive branch before he leaves? Try to see him or call him maybe. My father left us when I was three, when I was 34 I met up with him again and tried to reunite with him and he was not interested. He died a few months later and I regret not trying harder to find him sooner. If you give it a honest shot to talk to your son that is all you can do. Try to be supportive and understanding and do the best you can.

I hope this didn't just confuse you with my rambling and best of luck with your son. Also, welcome to the mens forum. Hopefully, we will see ya around.

Bill

Thanks for you thoughtful response.  I know what your saying is right. I think I was looking for a reason to stop the 14 day diet(hunger) and postpone the surgery for a few weeks.  Of course if I did do that I would probably never reschedule.  I'm scared of the unknown because I have no control over what lies ahead.  I'm not use to being in this position.  The situation with my son doesn't change my health problems, if anything it just adds a little more stress.  One quick thing on our son is this isn't the first time he has tried this.  As far as he is concerned everything that has ever gone wrong in his life has been my fault.  He lost a 2009 child custody hearing for his oldest son that we encouraged and helped him prepare for.  The judge ordered him to pay child support for the first time and also pay back 2 yrs worth.  This forced him and his family to alter their living standards which his wife didn't appreceiate.  Hence it's our fault because we wanted to help our oldest grandson to have a better life.  So now we should alter our retirement to pay for his past refusal to pay child support.  It wasn't clean and neat but rather nasty as far as we are concerned.  He more than just crossed the line this time.  Like my wife says "no one is going to use our grandchildren against us, period".  I told my grandson to tell his dad that we love him and to be careful when he talks to him the last time.  The ball is in his court.  
I'm sorry for the pain you have gone thru with your father.  You did what you could to reunite with him.  If you had found him earlier in life do really think he would have welcomed you like he should?  I more or less lost my dad when I was 8 so I kind of know where your coming from.  I guess we just have to roll with the punches.     

He and his wife have been estranged from his Mother and I for the past 32 months. He made the decision to separate from the family, including his brother, sister and their families.

He made his call.  I don't know what the issue was then but if you want to reach out to him now - that is your call.

As to your "new life" - pre op is a very stressful time.  I don't give a rat's ass what anyone else says it is.  Going into the unknown is unnerving.  Even after you come out you will be second guessing yourself for a few days or weeks till you get into your routine.

Good Luck!

Thanks for responding Don.  Like I just wrote back to Wabogart this morning our son was our me, me, I, I, I'm first kid.  He hasn't changed even at 37 yrs old.  We'll see what happens.
Yes it is scary and stressful.  I'm the pessimist in the family and the unknown is what's really bothering me.  My better half sat me down last night and read the riot act to me.  She's not about to let me cop out of this one because she doesn't want to be alone in retirement.  I can't change our son by not having the RNY but I can improve our life by having it.  It's good to have the strong one in my corner.  I didn't cheat last night thanks to her.  17th here we come.

Hey Jim,  I totally agree with Don.  All you can do is reach out and if he doesn't reach back then that is on him.  He may come around in time when he realizes what is truly important in life.  As for RNY, if you want to take a page out of my experiences, I second guessed, took years to decide to have the surgery, was scared sh*tless for my family (wife and two young girls) before surgery but when I was over 500 pounds and kicking 50 years old in the ass it started to become a no brainer.  And you know what, it was the best decision that I could have ever made.  I am so frigain active that my poor family can't keep up with me now and at just over 290 now I honestly feel like I'm in my twenties.  No aches, pains, lack of energy.  It has been nothing short of miraculous and I wouldn't change a thing.  I'm not going to bullsh*t you, at times it was hard but as I sit here typing now, at 15 months post-op, it is amazing.  Just listen to your doc and once you are feeling good enough to do it, incorporate exercise and make it a way of life instead of a chore!  Good Luck and look forward to seeing you on the loser's bench with the rest of us losers!!

 You are on the right track Jim, forge ahead and do what you need to do. Over the last month I have become estranged from my daughter who is 19. I adopted her at age 6 and she is my pride and joy, my reason for living. While I was on the operating table getting my RNY she engaged in a major indiscretion, in my house, with a very unsavory boyfriend she had promised me she was not involved with... My "homecoming" after the surgery was not the best. Bottom line is, once our kids grow up it is their life to do so with at their discretion. We cannot make them do the right thing, and it is not our obligation to clean up after them.

Stay the course, work your plan.

Brian

You are so right Brian.  We did put out the olive branch and he acknowledged it but that wazs it.  Sorry about your daughter.  Been there and done that.  Sometimes they pick the worst guy just to p*** us off I think.  Thanks for he encouragement.

 This is one time in your life that you have to make this 100% about you.  Is this surgery right for you, is it right for your health.  Will it improve YOUR life.  As Don said your son made the decision to do what he did.  The one thing this surgery may give you is more time for him to come around after he grows up some.

Pre-op as Don said is stressful some focus on so many of the unknowns, I focused on what I could control at that point. What I had to do for the next appointment  I didn't focus on what it would be like after surgery, because even though our surgeries are pretty much cookie cutter procedures, how our bodies respond are different for each of us.  What we decide to do with our lives are different for each of us as well.

Do this for you first, and those you love and who love you second.  Don't worry about what you can't control.

You and all the rest of the guys are right.  I have to be #1 this time.  There's no doubt it will improve my life.  The unknowns are what really bother me.  I thought the staff at the surgeons office would be more knowledgeable than they are.  Also the 2 briefings that the Bridges surgical centers gave were not that informative.  I feel I have learned more from the internet and these forums. Right now I'm trying to just get thru the next 10 days and I figure everything on the 17th is the Dr's.
My son by the way is 37 but he is still our problem child.  LOL