support advice please!

Hi guys,  I am new here and my husband is having the sleeve next week Friday with Umbach in Las Vegas.  We are excited and scared as I am sure you have all been through.

My question is about how to support him in the pre and post-op stages.  What did you like / hate/ need / appreciate from your spouses, friends, family in the pre and post-op times?  What types of help are hardest to ask for?

I love my husband and want to do the best I can for him without being a food nazi or a nag.  I am not a nag by nature, thankfully, and I want ot have a plan so I do not slip into unhealthy patterns. 
Any ideas you can give me is appreciated and feel free to contact me in a private message if you wish.

I have been lurking here on this forum for a few weeks and I have to say I admire each of you for you honesty, the sharing and your hard work on your goals.  It has been inspiring!  Thanks for letting me lurk and advise me as you will!

Sincerely, Colleen

Great of you to reach out for advice, Colleen.  I am just 2 and a half weeks out of my sleeve surgery, and I can attest that support is crucial. 

Prior to surgery my wife wasn't supportive at all: relationship issues, her own fears for my life, feeling like I hadn't tried enough on my own yet...anyway, it was tough to do all the prep work by myself.  It sounds like you've been there with him through the 'pre' phase, so that's great.

After surgery (and an emotional talk or three), my wife came around and has been much more supportive. 

Support is two-sided: emotional and physical.

The physical has been very important for me initially because I fear messing something up internally, or with the incisions.  The doctor's recommendation for very light duty stuff means that I've had to rely on her to do a lot of lifting, housework, driving (initially), etc. that I would have done myself otherwise.  There have been times that I knew I overdid it, and she'd come in and 'nag' me to let it go, and let her take care of things. 

As part of the physical comes the new food regimen.  I've needed support with the food choices, my experimentation with what I can and can't tolerate, making far too many trips to the grocery store because I'm trying out a lot of different mushy foods.  So really it's a matter of understanding the drastic change that's taken place and how daily choices have to change. 

The 'food nazi' tag hasn't been anything I've dealt with yet because I've followed the nutritionist guidelines pretty well (except for my documented hatred of protein shakes), but I know that shaming him for making a less correct choice won't do any good.  (After all, a lot of obesity is emotionally driven, and shame isn't an emotion obese people are set up well to deal with).  At Thanksgiving dinner, I wanted to try the delicious chocolate cream pie that was served, and had a bite instead of a full slice followed by a slice of apple pie too--I only got a taste after I met my protein goal.  My wife was proud of that choice, and understood that I still have taste buds that want to experience the yummy stuff.  Know that the sleeve restriction will keep him from experiencing it too much.

As for the emotional, I know that a lot of others [not men of course!!  mostly emotionally frail women ;) ] deal with the shock of the restriction early on.  I haven't had any of that, but I did feel anxiety around the "Thanksgiving Feast" setting, and had to take some time out to recognize what was going on.  Also, as uncomfortable as it is for an obese person to be in social settings where s/he feels like everyone is looking at them focusing on their obesity, there's also a discomfort in having everyone focus on your post-surgical eating habits and even looking you over to see if they notice the first 10-20 pounds you've said you lost...I really didn't expect that at all, but was taken aback by the reality of having people take too much notice of my still obese (albeit shrinking) body.

Anyway, I hope this gives you a little insight into what you're husband's mind and body will be dealing with in just a few short days.  Congratulations to both of you (as it's a familial change!) 

If you have any questions about anything I've mentioned here, or anything else, feel free to contact me.

Chad

 I suggest that you have your husband post here.  I try to encourage only men to post on the Men's forum.  I wouldn't mention it in your case but you say that you've been lurking here for a few weeks.  I tried to contact you directly, but OH does not have a profile for you.  I thank Chad for the info he gave you.

You may want to look at the diet and nutrition forum or at the individual surgery forums.  You can get a wealth of information from www.vitalady.com .  

I HATED it when one family member asked if they needed to stock up on baby food for me. OMG, they didn't bother to read any of the materials I gave them from the Dr. on my post-op diet.

I appreciated it when family or friends were up-front and asked if they could still eat normally around me or if it would bother me seeing them eat a "real" meal in front of me.

I was very grateful when co-workers asked for my input on places to go for our monthly lunch. They wanted to make sure it was a place that had stuff I could order, too.

I really appreciated the family volunteering to help me with yard work / chores right after post-op when my energy level was down and lifting was restricted.

I was disappointed when one family member didn't call, visit, or even e-mail me at the hospital. This was a significant incident / change in my life and they acted like they didn't care. (Unfortunately, this is consistent with the way he treats other family members. He can't be bothered with family unless he needs something from them.)

Other than immediate family, I only disclosed my surgery to 2 close friends and a few co-workers. I really appreciated the close friends calling and visiting me at the hospital. I also appreciated the calls from co-workers and their encouragement.

Finally, particiating in this forum has been one of the best things I've done. The guys here are very, very supportive and willing to share info or answer questions. Make sure your husband knows he's welcome to join in.

P.S. Sounds like your husband has a great wife. What a great post.

Tell him to create his own profile and get on this board or we'll kick his butt!!  Also get him on the VSG  Board.  Over the years we have seen wives push and push to get their husbands on this and other boards...Only they can do it.  Men need to swallow their pride sometimes and admit they need help and support.  He needs support...either here, some other internet site, or a local support group.  I (as a guy) feel a little funny at the local support groups...about 7 to 1 women to men.  Tell him to get over here or we'll tell the nurse to pull out the catheter real slow and twisty...LOL

You guys are great!  Hubby is on the VSG board and I hope he will introduce himself to you on the men's board soon.  The surgery date is Dec 10th - in 8 days..
Thanks for you ideas and sharing your experiences.  I do not wish to intrude on the men's forum so perhaps some of you might be ok if I message privately.

Again, thanks so much!  All the best for continued success!
Colleen

Colleen, Very nice of you to ask what you can do to support him.  I suggest you work together on his grocery list.  Read all the labels and make him read them too.  At first you need to watch the sugars very closely.  After a while you and he will know what he can stomach and what he can't so shopping will get easier.  You make sure that you cook meals for yourself, don't make him feel like he is changing your diet too much.  That will also give him the opportunity to experiment with different foods.  Remember, only he can control what he puts in his mouth so let him make his own mistakes.

I'm sure you will do a great job.