Spousal support

Those that had lukewarm or negative support, how did you deal with it and did she ever come around?  My wife is a GI nurse and although she "supports" my decision she wants to know why I haven't done weigh****chers, how can I never eat sugar, how will I deal with the post surgery depression, will I kill myself, and why did one of her GI docs loose his weight the old fashioned way?  But...she supports my decision.  Yeah, sure she does.  BTW, I have no idea what she weighs, but she wears 2x-3x and is petite. 

The first time I pursued weight loss surgery, my wife mentioned that it might be just another of my weight loss "fads". I pushed on without her.  I lost the weight required to qualify for the surgery, but after meeting the doctor, I decided that the risk was too great and backed out.

I regained the weight I lost, plus even more.  I also developed open wounds on my leg that wouldn't heal and blood clots in my leg and lung.  I already had sleep apnea, high blood pressure and other obesity related health problems.

My wife told me that I looked like I was going to die soon at age 56.

I had lost and regained weight all my life.  Each time I gained more and more weight until I exceeded 500 pounds.  I admitted to myself that although I could lose weight "on my own", I couldn't keep it off. I needed some other incentive.

This time, I kept my wife in the loop from the get go. I brought her to workshops and nutritional meetings with me. She knew that because of my weight and blood clot history that I was a high risk patient. But the doctors took needed precautions and I did fine.

Today I weigh 233 pounds. I am healthier and able to do more chores around the house. Yesterday I rode a bike for the first time and 20 years and took my bicycle on a 22 mile journey.

My RNY is not a magic bullet. But it's getting me to where I should weigh, and helping me adapt to a healthier lifestyle. But I had to make getting the surgery the number one thing in my life. I lost more than 100 pounds to qualify for laparascopic instead of open RNY, and to improve my chances of a successful outcome.

Good Luck.

I understand the lukewarm/negative support thing pretty well.  I am living in the middle of it.  She was all for WLS in the beginning because of the health benefits for me.  But, like everything in life, with benefits come trade-offs.  Here is how we are working through the trade-offs.  Bear in mind it is still a work in progress.

-- Never eat sugar:  with the lap band, I can eat sugar, especially in liquid or soft form.  I limit it by diet choices.  Once you lay off for a while, its not that bad.  Your surgery is different, so I'm afraid I can't really speak from any experience here.
-- Never done weigh****chers, etc.:  Never was an issue as my wife saw me try many different things to keep weight off.  Lose, yes.  Keep off, never.  That is the reason for my WLS.  And, this is why she supported the surgery initially.
-- Post surgery depression:  This has been a tough issue for me.  It kind of snuck up on me as for the first several months, the weight loss kept me excited.  But, as outside pressures having nothing to do with WLS closed in, I no longer had food to turn to for comfort.  It caused me to slowly shut everyone out until I was very withdrawn from everything.  It culminated in her threatening to leave me about 2 months ago.  We chose to work it out with her having a better understanding of what I have gone through mentally, and I have taken positive steps to "unwithdraw" myself and keep lines of communication open.  There is so much more I could go into here, PM me if you want to know more, but this is the very short version.
-- Will you kill yourself?  Stats show that its rare.  How did I react?  I would be lying if I said that thought never entered my mind.  Right after my wife threatened to leave, I went to my doctor and he diagnosed depression.  I opened up to him and told him of my wanting not to live any more, among other things.  Anti-deps made me too jittery; blood tests showed vitamin levels out of whack. He said the vitamins were a contributing factor that could not be ignored.  So, right now, its plenty of communication and vitamins.  Sounds simple, but for me, the last 2 months have been a lot better.  Sometimes the best solutions are the simple ones.  Best advice here: if you begin to feel bad mentally, don't wait like I did.  Its not you; its very likely the adjustment to your new eating habits.  I am not sure what I have gone through is typical; I know from other posts on here that I have not been alone in my struggle with depression.

We got off track partly because surgery removed the emphasis food played in my life, and as a result, her life too.  Family get-togethers, weekend out to eat trips, big dinners at home, etc. where food was a main focus suddenly ended.  I didn't have a clue what a family dynamic food had become, and what its subsequent downplay, would mean.  Almost 2 years out we are still adjusting.  Among other things, she felt like my lack of interest in food has hurt our relationship since these things were a part of our relationship before.  We have turned out attention to doing other things together, and things are improving.

Now for the most important part:  I do not regret WLS.  It has likely extended my life.  I would do it again.  Tomorrow.

BTW, my wife is attractive, works out, and is in overall good health.  Never a weight problem.

Good luck, my friend.  I think with the right support you will be fine.

Take her to a support meeting.  Sounds like she thinks she knows everything about your surgery, but really doesn't have a clue to what you will need from her.

 I feel ya!  My wife and I have had discussions about this very topic.  It almost feels like I am on this journey alone, and it feels lonely sometimes.  This is already scary enough without feeling "alone".  I wanted her there for the support group meetings for my preop consults, and she couldn't make it.  In her defense she works alot of hours, we have two kids, and she just started a new job and doesn't is trying to build up hours for the actual surgery.  But I have continued to push on because I am not doing this just for my wife or my family, I am doing this for myself too.  I am going to be the one to make the right decisions, I am going to be the one that lives with the consequences of failure to comply.  I did talk to her and she has been more active, still not as active as I like, but anything is better.

There is a part of me that feels that she is slightly threatened by my surgery, not jealous or negative but because I think she enjoys me being the "big guy" and her being the "petite" lady....and a certain since of security that brings.  But my surgery could mean that my weight drops under hers, and she will not like that.  I think that is the reason why she is starting to think about surgery now too.  :)

But in the end we have to do what we think is right for ourselves.  I have family and friends that have stepped up, surprising where I have gotten some support.  But I know that on surgery day and the weeks after, my lady will step up and probably be like a darn drill sergeant.  :)

I had the DS when I was so fat that I could barely take care of myself. My wife wasn't thrilled with the idea of me having WLS. I think if you can bring her to some support group meetings, and maybe let her come on this site (the main board forum) she'll understand the benefits of WLS.

My wife wanted me to not have surgery. I tell her that my heart cant take no more fat. She comes here sometime to learn. 

 BTW, I have no idea what she weighs, but she wears 2x-3x and is petite. 


    That says it all ..   a classic "thinhead" ..       (that's my term for someone, who through no fault of their own, is a normal or subnormal weight and chastises fat people for being fat due to supposedly their own hand  --  e.g. bad eating and/or exercise habits.  )   

    What I DON'T understand is that she is a nurse - and a gastro one no less - and doesn't know the medical science and stats on how it is almost impossible for a M.O. patient to lose all their EW and keep it all off merely through voluntary changes in diet and exercise?       You'd think she'd see tons of such failures (no pun intended) every day in her daily work ..     

   (btw, good choice of surgeons ..  I've heard "Dr. Nick" is great   ) .. 

When I started looking into surgery I didn't tell my wife any thing about. it. It was not till after I had learned a lot about it and went to an informational seminar that I told her what I was going to do. her response was, what was going to be different about this and all the other times I had lost weight and gained it back. So I tried to explain to her about permanent life style changes. Some thing I really didn't have a clue about, but didn't know it.

I didn't tell any one, except my wife. I only told my kids a day or two before the surgery. I did this for me and figured I was the one that was going to have to live it every day.

My wife was a little apprehensive but stood behind me. I think she would have done more if I would have let her. She has a co-worker that had open RNY and had major complications, which in my opinion he brought on him self. He did not follow directions at all. Ate regular food right after surgery and things came apart, he was in serious condition for a while.

I did not go through any depression, I know some people do. For me the surgery has been the best thing I ever did for my self. My wife and I are probably closer than we have ever been. Our relationship is not the same as it was before, I think it is better. Having more confidence in my self has allowed me to be more honest with  her.

When I got down to a size 32 jeans she did have a problem that she could wear my jeans. She told me that was enough, that I was not permitted to have jeans smaller than hers. She has never been big, 5'9" 117 lbs when we got married. She had gained a few pounds over 27 years and 2 kids. She was up to 150, still not big. The healthier life style finally rubbed off on her and in the last year she has started walking and running with me and is now 122 lbs.

I can honestly see how couples grow apart after surgery. My interest's and life style have changed dramatically. I haven't been this active since I was a kid. What I consider my biggest accomplishment to date was running a marathon this past November. She was there taking pictures and cheering me on. Thankfully, we grew together instead of apart.

pan head