Whirlwind of male emotions

Hi -

Like I've said in a few prior posts, I'm new here and just starting my WLS journey. I have my initial appointments coming up in a few weeks.

I don't want to self-promote, but I've been writing a lot about my issues with obesity and my thoughts on WLS. I started a blog at www.bigfatmike.com and I'd really like to get some feedback on what I'm going through. If anyone has a minute, I'd really like to know if what I'm going through is similar to what other 'big men' have dealt with.

Mostly I'm thinking about my family and how my obesity can hurt them - if I die or get sick. Are these the kinds of things other men have thought about? What about being unable to do the things you want to do in life? Or having to buy clothes at the big and tall places? Frankly, I've been shocked at how emotional I've become.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts or comments.

Thanks,
Mike

>Mostly I'm thinking about my family and how my obesity can hurt them - if I die or get sick. Are these the kinds of things other men have thought about?<

This was it for me. My wife and I are VERY close, and my death would destroy her. At 445#, with a grandfather who died at 40 from mutliple heart attacks even though he was in military fitness, I was a ticking bomb. I didn't, and don't, really care what people think of how I look, and so shopping at big and tall was nothing, and the stares and chuckles (a kid even called me Buddha on a cruise in Mexico) have never been an issue. It is my responsibility to my wife to do what it takes to keep all of the voluntary risk factors in check - being fat is a self imposed death sentence in many cases.

Haven't read your blog but here my experience:

This is a stage we all go through before surgery; some worst than others but it is normal; when facing elective surgery that really isn't elective.  If you continue at your weight and health and the trends of the recent past continue, how long before you won’t be around?

People often fear dying from this and any other surgery, but the ratio of success from this procedure,...you are more likely to die from getting hit by a truck than this surgery.  By doing this surgery , you are making the purposeful  and conscious choice to try and live longer and healthier than ever before and be there for your kids and wife.  A year from now, you will be rejoicing in your new life and kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.

If you are worried about getting right with the Lord, talk it over with him and let him know your fears and concerns in prayer.  Don't make deals with Him.  Talk to him about all of the things in life you are grateful for and all the blessing you have enjoyed to date, then tell him about these concerns.  And if you want open and honest answers, be open and honest with Him and yourself during this very private conversation. Also if you want simple answers you can understand, ask simple questions.  I recommend ones requiring a yes or no answer, or help me to know in a way I can understand but I leave this in your hands and trust you will help me to know the best thing to do; Thy will be done.  And lastly,...because it is conversation with your Father in heaven,...don't forget to listen.  Pause after asking questions and see how you feel (was that a yes or a no, did I feel good about that or nothing at all?).  And listen at the end before saying Amen. People often pray to God but then do all of the talking and no listening.   A good feeling is a yes and there will be no doubt in your might about it.  A no will either be obvious too or merely the absence of a good feeling because it wasn't a yes.  However, don't jump to conclusions, maybe he wants you to ponder these thing s bit and talk with him some more after you've had a little time and then all of a sudden, like a light turned on or some one hit you over the head, the answer will be obvious, in a way you understand and others aren't even aware happened,....poof!

The next phase will be, why am I having this surgery if I can lose weight like this in preparation for surgery?  The answer is you have lost weight before, in varying amounts for varying lengths of time, for years, and what happens every time??  We gain it back plus some??
This surgery will provide you an opportunity to relearn how to eat, motivate you to reincorporate (or for some of us, develop new habits) levels of activity/exercise/physical involvement and come to enjoy it.  To be able to move around without balls of sweat and other concern we are going to pass out or have a heart attack at any minute.  It is going to give you an opportunity to lose a large amount of weight over a 12-24 month period.  If you don't take advantage of the opportunity provided during the initial window, to develop those new habits or consciously decide you have to have those old habits, you will again much of the weight back.  That why we say it is not magic, it is a tool. Use it and benefit. Don't use it or abuse it and dig yourself back into the hole as before surgery.

Then there is the phase where loved ones and friends will try to talk you out of the surgery because it is so risky and you could die, it may already be happening to you and causing this current doubting.  These loving individuals have not lived as you have and have not done the research and learning you have.  They have not invested the time and energy into meeting and reading about the experience of others that have had this procedure or been to the surgeon and learned what you are getting into.  And lastly, they do not have the desire and hope for a new and better life, only the desire for the current and familiar to remain unchanged.  Do you want the current situation to remain unchanged or do you want a try at a healthier, happier and more active and mobile you??

I had a death concern too before surgery only I had a heart that was missing beats to the point I wasn't sure I'd survive surgery.  But it was also evident to me that I wasn't going to survive with out surgery either.  Don't wait until you get that bad off, as I did before you do this.  This WLS has changed my life.  It is like having a second chance at youth.  If I had it to do over again, I would have had it done 10 years earlier.  I am that happy with the results and post-op requirements and lifestyle.  You will be too.

Hang with the OH.com friends.  Keep reading the profiles of others and looking at the before and after pictures.  That will be you soon.  Examine why those that have success do, and whats happening or not happening for those that aren't.  Be objective and honest.  Tie a knot in the end of that rope of yours and hold on.  You are on the uphill part of the big hill on this rollercoaster of life and day of surgery is the capping of the peak.  That’s when you throw both hands into the air, scream with joy and enjoy the ride, starting with the tremendous rush starting down on the other side of waking up after its all over.  What a ride!

Well said.

Holy cow, Jow. Thank you for su*****redible feedback. I have to say that what you wrote really hit home for me. I do fear dying from the surgery. But I also fear death from doing nothing. So which is riskier - doing nothing or doing something?I feel I'm making the right choices intellectually, but from an emotional perspective, it is sometimes hard to remember that.

I actually have had some push-back from one friend in particular. But he's not an emotional guy at all - I just don't think he understands what it is like to live obese. Mostly everyone else who knows I'm moving forward with WLS has been incredibly supportive. In fact, many of my friends, after reading my blog, have said they never thought of me as the 'fat guy.' They didn't see me the way I've seen myself for so many years.

I know it is going to be a long, emotional journey from today until the day I go under the knife, and an even longer journey aftrer that. Right now I'm feeling like it was already a year from now - I've had the surgery and lost a ton of weight. I guess I need to just stick with the process knowing I'll end up in a good place.

I to thought long and hard about what my obesity was doing to my family.  I have 5 year old triplets and a wonderful wife.  Not only was I growing larger by bad food choices, I was also lazy.  My girls have made comments like "Daddy, someday I want a big belly like yours".  This was hard for me, cause I kept reflecting on the song "Lord, I wanna be just like you cause they wanna be just like me".  The truth is that they did want to be just like me.  What kind of example was I to them? 

From my experience, it is questions like those you listed that change the mindset of most people to lose weight and get back in shape.  Though, I know that there are others that do that just to change the outside appearance.  Not me, I was slowly killing myself and I didn't want to leave my family without a father or husband.

Who says guys don't have feelings and can't communicate?  Very well said Joe.

Mike, congratulations on puting your family before yourself.  That is exactly what being a husband and a father is all about.

Good luck, and as you can see we are here for your support.

Joe, thanks for the words, It was just what I needed to hear being 5 days out from the surgery.  Gave me a renewed sense of urgency to get my life back on track and get moving forward.

Very well stated!
Brian

BFM. Hi. I doubt if I can top the wisdom of a veteran like wjoe.  But I went through the fears of dying in the O.R. the first time I considered WLS.  I went to weekly workshops and weigh-ins for months. I lost the weight I was required to lose. Then when people in my group met with the surgeon. I asked him how many people he operated on? How many were men? How many died?.. When he said that two had died (out of sixty patients) The daughter of one woman considering WLS burst in tears and cried "I don't want mommy to die!"

We'll I don't know if it was the little girl's reaction or the ratio of successful to unsuccessful operations.. but I walked out of that clinic and didn't come back.

Over the following years, I gained back all the weight I lost.. with bonus pounds added.  I developed wounds in my legs that wouldn't heal. Deep vein thrombosis... Pulmonary embolism and blood clots in my leg.  To make matters worse, I weighed so much that my local hospital didn't have equipment to do tests on patients of someone my size.

I felt like a dead man walking.

I finally listened to my family doctor, and sought out weight loss surgery at the Cleveland Clinic.. which was prepared to handle a risky patient like myself.

This experience has been one that has taken discipline and honesty. But today I weigh 244 pounds. I am literally half the man I used to be. And I'm just fine with that.

I keep coming back to the reason I'm doing this - I don't want to die and abandon my family. As long as I stay focused on that, I feel OK. But when I start letting my thoughts wander to the risks or surgery or the embarrassments, I get confused and anxious.

A whie ago there was a commercial about quitting smoking. A smoker cut out a picture of his kid and taped it to the cigarette pack, to remind himself of the consequences every time he went for a smoke. Maybe I should tape a picture of my family to my stomach.