Just need to rant
Hey guys, just need a place to rant.
My wife and I have been working to adopt a child for over a year now.
We thought we had enough in our life that we could offer it to a child who needed a family.
So we went through all the meetings they make you go to, we signed up for the classes we had to go to. Then when my wife had her WLS, they put us on hold. Stopped the whole process until she was done. They said they were concerned about placing a child into the home when someone was going to be having surgery. We tried to explain to them that it was in and out the next day, but they didn't want to hear it. We tried to talk to them about completing all the other stuff like the home study they make you do and the background checks all of that stuff that takes months prior to the placement of a child, but nope, they put us on hold.
So it's finally been long enough since her surgery that they decided to talk with us again. It had been so long since we took their required class that we had to sign up to take it again. The case worker came out to the house the other day and met with us. Then we got a call yesterday from them telling us that they couldn't help us, due to budget cuts and our restrictions. You see here in California their primary goal is foster care not adoption. They would rather reunite a child with their abussive, drug addicted, piece of crap parent that got them into the situation than they would to place a child into a home that wants to care for them. When this process started they told us we could specify that we wanted a child that had already had parental rights terminated or that had had siblings removed from a parent previously etc. Basically someone who has leff of a chance of being reunified with their parent that they were taken away from.
So when push comes to shove, this is what we told them we wanted. You see we have one child now, and we didn't want to introduce another child into the family who might only be here a couple months and then get taken away from us. Our son is mildly affected by Autism, and we didn't think our son would understand losing a brother or sister this way. So we told the state adoption people this.
We were pretty open to age, sex, race. We said we would prefer a baby, but any child up to our sons age (6 yrs) would be welcome. We even said we would take a special needs child as long as their disability wasn't so severe that they needed 24/7 health care. Their response, sorry we don't think we can help you.
We can't afford a private adoption, I immediately began to look into that. Out of country adoptions 16-36 thousand dollars, not including travel to that country. U.S. adoptions around 10-20k. So much for these poor kids. I guess it's better to let them bounce from foster home to foster home than it is to place them in a family that wants them. That or put them back into the questionable family environament that they were taken from in the first place.
I'm so frustrated by this. My first inclination was to drown my sorrow in food. I don't want to do this, and I'm not going to do it. It's just strange how food comes roaring back into my thoughts as a means that resembles self medication. I just don't have any outlet for the emotions of frustration, sadness, anger and disbelief at this system.
Oh well, it just feels better to get some of this out right now.
Thanks for being my sounding board.
Scott
My wife and I have been working to adopt a child for over a year now.
We thought we had enough in our life that we could offer it to a child who needed a family.
So we went through all the meetings they make you go to, we signed up for the classes we had to go to. Then when my wife had her WLS, they put us on hold. Stopped the whole process until she was done. They said they were concerned about placing a child into the home when someone was going to be having surgery. We tried to explain to them that it was in and out the next day, but they didn't want to hear it. We tried to talk to them about completing all the other stuff like the home study they make you do and the background checks all of that stuff that takes months prior to the placement of a child, but nope, they put us on hold.
So it's finally been long enough since her surgery that they decided to talk with us again. It had been so long since we took their required class that we had to sign up to take it again. The case worker came out to the house the other day and met with us. Then we got a call yesterday from them telling us that they couldn't help us, due to budget cuts and our restrictions. You see here in California their primary goal is foster care not adoption. They would rather reunite a child with their abussive, drug addicted, piece of crap parent that got them into the situation than they would to place a child into a home that wants to care for them. When this process started they told us we could specify that we wanted a child that had already had parental rights terminated or that had had siblings removed from a parent previously etc. Basically someone who has leff of a chance of being reunified with their parent that they were taken away from.
So when push comes to shove, this is what we told them we wanted. You see we have one child now, and we didn't want to introduce another child into the family who might only be here a couple months and then get taken away from us. Our son is mildly affected by Autism, and we didn't think our son would understand losing a brother or sister this way. So we told the state adoption people this.
We were pretty open to age, sex, race. We said we would prefer a baby, but any child up to our sons age (6 yrs) would be welcome. We even said we would take a special needs child as long as their disability wasn't so severe that they needed 24/7 health care. Their response, sorry we don't think we can help you.
We can't afford a private adoption, I immediately began to look into that. Out of country adoptions 16-36 thousand dollars, not including travel to that country. U.S. adoptions around 10-20k. So much for these poor kids. I guess it's better to let them bounce from foster home to foster home than it is to place them in a family that wants them. That or put them back into the questionable family environament that they were taken from in the first place.
I'm so frustrated by this. My first inclination was to drown my sorrow in food. I don't want to do this, and I'm not going to do it. It's just strange how food comes roaring back into my thoughts as a means that resembles self medication. I just don't have any outlet for the emotions of frustration, sadness, anger and disbelief at this system.
Oh well, it just feels better to get some of this out right now.
Thanks for being my sounding board.
Scott
The first time you do something - It's going to be a personal record!
Scott, I've had several friends and co-workers that have been in similar cir****tances as you and your wife. Hang in there. I know it's tough but in the end the people that I know eventually adopted a child. The system can really get you down sometimes. Just keep your chin up.
Duane
Duane
"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
I run for those who can't or won't. I run because I once was one of those people.
First, let me give you an unrelated comment. When I didn't know what was wrong with me and got frustrated, I used to litterally bang my head against a wall. Now I am medicated and know my limitations.
I know that you are frustrated and feel you are figuratively banging your head against the implausible wall of government regulations regarding adoptions in CA. Step back and rest for a while. There may be another way to accomplish your goals that are not apparent. I'm sure you have looked at all of the options, but you may want to look into open adoption where the parent still has contact with the child.
The other area you may want to pursue is to contact your state legislator and see if they can help you.
I know that these may be weak and lame suggestions. However, regardless of what you do, after a few days, save this entire thread in a file on your computer so you cand revisit your statements and the responses at a time when you are not emotionally overcome by the whole situation.
As for using food as medication, I kind of remember you as being one of the people who does exercise. You may want to find an exercise that you can do when you become overwhelmed. Preferably, I'd suggest something you can do with your wife and maybe even include you child.
I know that you are frustrated and feel you are figuratively banging your head against the implausible wall of government regulations regarding adoptions in CA. Step back and rest for a while. There may be another way to accomplish your goals that are not apparent. I'm sure you have looked at all of the options, but you may want to look into open adoption where the parent still has contact with the child.
The other area you may want to pursue is to contact your state legislator and see if they can help you.
I know that these may be weak and lame suggestions. However, regardless of what you do, after a few days, save this entire thread in a file on your computer so you cand revisit your statements and the responses at a time when you are not emotionally overcome by the whole situation.
As for using food as medication, I kind of remember you as being one of the people who does exercise. You may want to find an exercise that you can do when you become overwhelmed. Preferably, I'd suggest something you can do with your wife and maybe even include you child.
Thanks guys,
I just went for a run during lunch and then had a sensible lunch. I feel pretty good after blowing off some steam.
I just hate being in a situation where it doesn't feel like there is anything I can do to resolve the issue.
Scott
I just went for a run during lunch and then had a sensible lunch. I feel pretty good after blowing off some steam.
I just hate being in a situation where it doesn't feel like there is anything I can do to resolve the issue.
Scott
The first time you do something - It's going to be a personal record!
Yeah well they do here too. They give the adoptive families $500.00 a month and give state medical coverage until the child is 18 years old.
But that is for a public adoption through a county/state agency.
Private adoptions are expensive.
Scott
But that is for a public adoption through a county/state agency.
Private adoptions are expensive.
Scott
The first time you do something - It's going to be a personal record!
Scott, While I was rereading your post one thing kept coming to mind.....The Serenity Prayer. I'm not trying to be preachy or anything but it has really worked for me and I think that in your case it may work for you too. Just a thought......
Duane
Duane
"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
I run for those who can't or won't. I run because I once was one of those people.
Sounds like you've gotten a good introduction to the wacky world of the adoption/foster care system, unfortunately, Scott .. 
I don't know what to suggest, but I'll try to cheer you up a bit at least by letting you hear about an even worse situation that we had right here in Dallas a year or two ago involving an "attempted adoption":
We had a couple that applied to adopt a child. Everything seemed to be a green light, but when it came time for the hearing before the family judge, the sob said NO. Turns out he was "concerned" b/c the father was S.O. and His Honor was worried that the father might develop health problems and/or die early b/c of his weight, jeopardizing the well-being of the proposed adoptee.
(I guess it didn't matter that the couple had earlier adopted another child and done well, w/o any problems with that judge 
)
After the couple's plight came to the attention of the local media, one of our WLS surgeons here (Dr. Wade Barker) stepped in and offered to do free WLS on the father so that they could go ahead and then adopt. The father accepted, had the surgery, and last we heard he was doing very well with his weight loss. Hoopefully NOW the judge won't have a problem with the adoption.
I don't know what to suggest, but I'll try to cheer you up a bit at least by letting you hear about an even worse situation that we had right here in Dallas a year or two ago involving an "attempted adoption":
We had a couple that applied to adopt a child. Everything seemed to be a green light, but when it came time for the hearing before the family judge, the sob said NO. Turns out he was "concerned" b/c the father was S.O. and His Honor was worried that the father might develop health problems and/or die early b/c of his weight, jeopardizing the well-being of the proposed adoptee.
(I guess it didn't matter that the couple had earlier adopted another child and done well, w/o any problems with that judge )After the couple's plight came to the attention of the local media, one of our WLS surgeons here (Dr. Wade Barker) stepped in and offered to do free WLS on the father so that they could go ahead and then adopt. The father accepted, had the surgery, and last we heard he was doing very well with his weight loss. Hoopefully NOW the judge won't have a problem with the adoption.
Frank talk about the DS / "All I ever wanted to be was thin, like that Rolling Stones dude ... "
HW/461 LW/251 GW/189 CW/274 (yep, a DS semi-failure - it happens :-( )
Rant on! If you can't blow it out here, where can you?
I've heard similar horror stories from friends who've tried to adopt in California. At least we have good weather, right?
Endure to the end, man. It'll happen. Just remember that no matter how broken the system is, your family is whole, and your desire to house a child safely is good. It'll prevail.
I've heard similar horror stories from friends who've tried to adopt in California. At least we have good weather, right?
Endure to the end, man. It'll happen. Just remember that no matter how broken the system is, your family is whole, and your desire to house a child safely is good. It'll prevail.
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