Finding Someone - Is This Really So Crazy?

After spending a day out alone (yet again) this Father's Day, and seeing all the happy couples, b/fs and g/fs, and dads , I have decided I'm sick and tired of still being alone @ 46, esp. after going through the surgery and doing all this "self-improvement" with still 0 results.     I don't see any point in being around much longer if it is truly God's (or Mother Nature's or whatever's) destiny to live this way.   No man is an island, I think they say.   After talking to a friend tonight about how he has been able to accomplish his major goals in life, he lets me know he just sets up major negative consequences for himself if he DOESN"T achieve them, something so negative that he can't help but give it his 100% to get it done.  I have heard of that approach from other folks in life, too.    This got me to thinking.  Maybe to finally meet my soul mate I need to take a similar approach.    But, what's the most severe of negative consequences?  (I think you can see where I'm going) with this).   My idea is simple:  pick a date one year out (maybe from my surgiversary on 8/16?) and if I haven't found my destined one and am married by that date, give it up by the end of that day.  .  If I 'm ever going to meet that special person, what better way to guarantee a result, either by my own efforts, wide-spread publicity, or whatever other means.    What are your thoughts on this approach, anyone?  

> My idea is simple:  pick a date one year out (maybe from my > surgiversary on 8/16?) and if I haven't found my destined one > and am married by that date, give it up by the end of that day. > What are your thoughts on this approach, anyone? Let me put it this way: would YOU marry someone who used this as a motivating factor?  That should give you all the feedback you need. Print this thread out and give it to your shrink at your next meeting.   Please. /Steve

I suggest a radically different approach.  Regardless of your religion, find a monastery and arrange to spend a few days there on an unstructured retreat.  You can usually get directed contemplation techniques or you can simply be there.  You needn't think about your problems or the world in general.  Then, when you come home, you should have a different perspective from which to look at life.  If you don't want to go to a monastery, do some other type of retreat--a vacation for the mind and spirit.

I agree with Steve "Print this out and take it to your next psych appointment" let them read it and give you some direction.

If you are wanting a woman I find that they don't usually fall out of the sky into your lap you have to pursue them. There is a woman out there for every man so it really is just a numbers game, just keep asking you will eventually succeed. Get on some of the internet dating sites, do a google search for them, set up a profile, tell them about you and your WLS and self help journey, post pics, join in on the forums, talk to them. If you talk to them and keep asking you will find her. Oh, I almost forgot to mention don't act desperate. 

I think you are trying way to hard step back relax and just take things as they come. I was in the same boat as you I was alone most of my life had lots of female friends but they couldnt and I couldnt see past my waist. when I was 35 I was in a very bad accident involving a car hitting me while on my motorcycle. While recovering from that I joined the local Y and soon met my current wife. It turns out she was a trainer at the Y and when I came limping in there she help me train on the machines so I could work out safely. At that time in my life was only concerned about walking and getting healthly to where I could go back to work. next thing I know i was seeing her outside of the y for dinner and before i knew what was happening we were living together and we finally married two years ago. Like i say was not looking for a girl friend or a wife at that time it just happened. I don't know what you have tried or your whole story but just relax and things will happen when they are ment to. My wife and I have a good friend who is getting married next year he is around 47 or so never been married or even really dated and he just met his soul mate, he is happier then ever. I guess I am just saying this is not something to put added stress on your self by setting dead lines. Hell dating and asking a women out is stressfull enough. Instead of planning all that make a plan to put yourself in a postion to meet your beloved. join a new club change churches, join a bowling team. Just get out there and have fun but don't make life so stressfull with self imposed deadlines.. you never know what or who is around the bend.   Bill

when I met my wife, I had given up on ever finding someone to share my life with.  I really think I was a crazy ***** magnet.  I dated more then my fair share and after getting worked over pretty well, I just decided that I would be alone for the rest of my life.  Shortly after this point a friend played match maker and I met my wife.  Now I could never be happy alone again.

Try talking to your female friends and see if she has any friends that would like to go out with you. I think most women like to play match maker.  I wouldn't be looking for the love of your life, just look for someone to spend some enjoyable time with.  Also don't get discouraged if you date a couple of crazy ladies, I am sure every guy has dated his share of crazy women, it just makes you appreciate the right woman when she comes along.

Also hang our where single women, the age you are interested in, tend to hang out.  Church, parks, social groups, the sky is the limit.  Have you even considered a dating service?

I am just afraid that if you put so much pressure on yourself to find your perfect woman, you will just succeed in scaring her off.

I hope you find her soon.

Jim 

Lots of people would give thier left arm to be in your very situation.  You have lost 200+ pounds, you have a good education/career which I assume provides you with a comfortable lifestyle. You also have your improved health, a roof over your head, and (assuming again, from your avatar) a car to drive.  Please disregard this idea.  Speaking from experience, marriage aint all it's cracked up to be.  I love my wife, don't get me wrong, but if she left me today the only thing I'd be worried about is how much cover is at the club...and I haven't been to the club in YEARS!  You talk about "giving it up";  is finding a wife really ALL that is important.  I have met many people over the years who were in thier 50's,60's and beyond who have never gotten married and still lived very fulfulling lives.  Maybe if you can get out of the "gotta-find-her-right-now-or-else" mode, you can see what I'm talking about. 

thanks guys ..  good advice ..       I'll be hanging in there .. 

Why don't you just rent some ***** for the day 

Nobody mentioned the biggest flaw with your plan. Setting a date stinks of desperation and woman can smell desperation a mile away. Ever notice how those guys who don't seem to notice women always get the attention? Or how when you're with someone women seem friendlier? It's because they want you when you don't want them....too badly.

Trying to find a wife sounds like a losing plan IMHO, but try to find a woman you like hanging out with and she'll be hinting around about tying the knot before you're ready.