Wednesday Funny- Long but good!

This will hit home with every person who has had bariatric surgery.

Way to funny not to share with those closest to
you...
I went grocery shopping recently while not being

altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You

see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a

massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going

to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the

point of being painful, which comes with a written

guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of

your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even

after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I

mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite

habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal

tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual

morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as

thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not

sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a

local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search

of tasty tidbits.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I

selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items

in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite

end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking

about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that

always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,

this pain was different.



The habaneras in the chili from the night before were

staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied

their way through the small intestines, forcing their way

into the large intestines, and before I could take one

step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring

sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning

shot.



There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,

suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which

has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for

fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,

oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part

of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of

it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see

what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium

that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it

unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different

directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure

some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply

watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently

indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she

could do before gathering her senses and running, was to

stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head

as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,

made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep

things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each

new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether

region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later

told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that

someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and

I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,

laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make

it before the grand mal assplosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to

the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating

above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD,

purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the

middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He

made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,

'Sonofa*****!', then quickly left.



Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my

partially filled cart intending to carry on with my

shopping when a store employee approached me and said,

'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the

store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high

for a minute or two which ought to take care of the

problem.'



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases

to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back

pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at

me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran

off returning moments later with the manager. I was

unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none

too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there

was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two

more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court

over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to

have to repaint the store.

Haven't we all been there CB