Need To Help My Guy...
I am hoping that any of you might have some advice/hints/thoughts on how I might go about "supporting" my fiancee of three years through his weight loss journey. I am 6+ years post-op myself, and had lost all my weight before we ever met. He is 27 y/o, 6'3 and weighs nearly 400lbs... when we met he was borderline diabetic/hypertensive and had sleep apnea. Three years later he now takes Metformin for his diabetes that is no longer borderline, medicine for depression, his LDL level is out of bounds, his apnea is worse, he has more joint pain, and blood pressure medication is next. We just had a baby 5 months ago. He has been considering WLS for years-even well before he met me- his Dr. had suggested he do it. I have gone to the initial meeting with him as a support person (he asked), answered a bazillion questions over the years, and tried to be "encouraging" without stuffing "what worked for me" down his throat. Because he is so upset about his health and weight I also have been cooking healthier meals, stopped buying junk to keep in the house (unless he asks for something), purchased sugar free alternatives, gotten information from the Diabetes Association and more...my problem is that I staunchly REFUSE to be "Food Cop", so I watch his diet go better for a few weeks, he'll really seem to be doing good, and then next thing I know it's over... he's back to eating brownies covered in mayonnaise, 3-4 bologna sandwiches, and 7 slices of pizza plus "snacks" all in one day. I know I am watching him get sicker. You'd think I would know what to say in order to help him out. I just remember everyone who had "helpful" comments about MY weight, and how un-helpful they actually were... I don't care how much he weighs, but HE does... the depression it has caused has almost wrecked our relationship a few times. I also care that I want him to live (when I had my WLS I had no co-morbidities or illnesses thank god) for a long time... what can I say that won't make him feel more lousy than he already does?? Please help me.
Once he had made up his mind to get surgery, but then changed jobs and had no insurance for awhile (this was maybe 1 1/2 years ago). Now he has insurance and he has to start the whole "process" over (he's had insurance since last July)- he is a procrastinator/instant gratification type and a YEAR to get something done is a long time for him... then there was the baby on the way... then -and at the end of the day I think this is the real reason- he's afraid. He's afraid of the operation itself, he's afraid of "losing" the ability to comfort himself with food and having to change his life... these are not speculations, these are things he's said. He'll be all about it for a little while, and then we don't talk about it for months...
Get his ass in here adn let him see for himslef he is not alone and there are plenty of us guys that are or have gone throiught he same thing he is going through.
At the end of the day there is NOTHING YOU can do, he needs to decide adn commit to the process, or he is doomed. If he doesn't want to he shouldn't.
I do feel bad for your kid who will probably not have a father around in 10 years or sooner. Even if he is he won't be able to play football, baseball or do anything because of his health.
The only thing I would suggest you talk to him about is the fact that he is a husband and father and that his job is to help provide and protect his wife and child. The WLS is for him, but it's also for you and your baby. Maybe if he won't do it for himself, he'll do it for his family.
I look at it this way. It's a lot like buying a motorcycle. When you're a bachelor dude, getting yourself smeared across the road doesn't really impact a lot of people. If you have a midlife crisis and get yourself wasted, you could leave a family behind.
Apologies to motorcycle folks, it's the only analogy I could think of.
I think you need to let him make the decision for himself. Obviously he is not ready to have WLS or he would be pursuing it. Just because you had WLS and were successful, doesn't mean everyone should have it. I know lots of people on this forum who have gotten WLS, lost weight, only to end up with severe issues (weight regain, vit. deficiencies, etc) because they weren't ready to handle the responsibility of WLS.
If it helps, I was him (or very much like him). I reached 400 lbs before I hit 30, I maintained that weight ofr several years, until I was injured at work. I didn't heal because of the weight issue, and long story short, I finally came to the point where the weight starte to pile on, and I knew if I didnt' do something I'd die or be hauled out of my house by the jaws of life at some point in my future. It was my moment, I knew it, and I went for it. No one had to tell me to get WLS. I got the DS over the RNY for many reasons (read my profile), but mostly because I wanted to be able to eat normally post op...I didn't want the RNY diet for the rest of my life...and so far so good.
From my experience with women and from reading your posts, you are probably being a real naggy ***** to him right now. Lay off the man, and give him unlimted BJs if you want him to feel better......when he gets home from work, have his dinner ready, let him watch TV, and hold the remote without complaining, bring him beer, and most important of all SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP....cause he's already heard all you got to say.......
Scott
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