I've Hit Rock Bottom-It's long, but you guys are good help

Alright, I don't know if anybody has had to deal with this as a fat guy, but sometimes I get so bothered by other guys that approach my wife lately that I'm almost embarrassed of myself.  The worst part is is that when I was thinner back in college, I NEVER was a jealous person with her.  I found it a compliment if people hit on her, but as my weight got higher so did my confidence in myself.  But sometimes I wonder if it's not me.  I'm not really into talking about this with my friends because none of them are married yet and I figured most of you on here are.  Here's the scoop: My wife and I work for the same company, but not in the same building.  There is this guy that used to play for the Arizona Cardinals continually commented on how she looked and whatnot.  To me, not a big deal, I'm the one that's doing her, not him so I'm not sweating it.  It didn't become a problem until he became "really funny" and "really interesting."  Still didn't bother me, but here's where things got weird:  my wife and I have a really open relationship and we have each other's passwords to EVERYTHING.  She was mad at me for something one day and we weren't talking, but I didn't know how much money we had in our bank account and needed to grab some lunch.  I e-mailed her, e-mailed her, e-mailed her, got nothing.  I figured instead of loading up her already full inbox I'd just check it and if she had 25 unread messages she wasn't in her office, just like she does with me.  I check it and there are all these e-mails from this guy saying "I can see your thong, it looks nice" and stupid **** like that and she just responded with smiley faces and LOL's.  Eventually this guy, who works with her mind you, got the nerve to ask her out on a date.  Never mind he knows who I am and where I work and that we're married.  Like I said, I'm not jealous, but stuff like that is totally unforgivable amongst men. However, I still didn't get mad, but I confronted her about it (I didn't mention this is the second time something like this happened.)  She went on and on about he was just a friend and I'm getting jealous over nothing and blah blah.  Either way, I wasn't going to stay mad at her, I just felt humiliated by that guy.  The workplace isn't quiet either, so I'm sure I was probably the last to know. Bottom line is we dealt with the issue, I told her that I wasn't going to waste anytime hating this guy, but the other day I went down to her office to surprise her since she moved into my building and there she was chatting away on IM with that guy.  I got mad, but I didn't say anything.  I came up the stairs another day, just to see if it was unusual (was this creepy?  yes, of course it was, but I was at my wits end) and saw again, they were talking...Didn't say anything.  Came up a third time three days later and......you guessed it, they were talking.  About what?  I'm not exactly sure, but at that point it didn't matter.   With that mouthful, here are my questions: 1. Is getting upset about your wife continually talking to some dude who works with her that asked her out unreasonable? 2. Have any of you ever been in this situation? 3. Does anybody feel that her talking to this guy is a good idea?  (Her continual defense is that they're just friends, which I believe, but I know if there was a woman who she couldn't stand that wanted to blow me I would have cut her out a long time ago because I love my wife. 4. Please tell me being heavy has nothing to do with this.....  Just venting because I'm dealing with a world of bull**** right now and I'm not sure where to go.  Any ideas are appreciated, thanks.

Somehow you've managed to remain cool during this "situation" for which I commend you. And I don't want to begin offering personal advice with the exception of a response to item 1 and 3.  Her continual contact with this person only really can lead to one outcome in the long run. 

That's all I'm going to offer.

Take care and good luck.

Guy.

 

Oh yeah, take a freaking baseball bat to his F&cking car.  See if he gets the message.  But that's just me.

Dolan, Man tough situation and I honestly see both sides.  It all depends on where your relationship is.  For me it all boils down to do you trust your wife?  It really has nothing to do with the other guy.  She can control the situation herself.  She has the power to say she is not comfortable talking to him.  It is completely wrong for a guy or any coworker for that matter to be making the statements about your wife that he is.  That is out and out sexual harasment in the workplace. The best thing you can do is set down with your wife in a non threating way and tell her how you feel and that you are uncomfortable with the situation between her and this other guy.  That alone should take care of the issue. My last job I had I was a manager of a small office that was all women. Everyone in the office was close and talked fairly openly about things going on in there life.  I never thought anything about it but my wife became concerned about my relationships with these women and made it very clear(not in a non threating way as I suggested above)  Even though nothing was going on I decided to distance myself from them so my wife wouldn't feel threatened.  I have never cheated in a relationship and my wife has in a previous relationship so we view this matter differently but because I love her and didn't want her to feel threated I took what I felt was the appropriate action. Sorry for such a long response but I do think everything could be worked out if you can set down and discuss your concerns.  Good Luck!!!!! PS No I don't think it has anything to do with your weight except in your own head so forget about it.

I have to agree with Guy on that on also.  Dude, you need to demand that it stop, starting with her and you need to say something to him as well.  If it keeps up, from what you have said, it is only going to lead to what you suspect it will lead to.  Do yourself a favor and confront the problem now.  I would be mad as hell if it were my wife - open relation**** - it is obviously a problem when you have addressed this once, no twice according to your words.  I would nip this **** in the bud NOW.    Taz

I am not a jealous guy.  With that said, this guy is way over the line and she is too.  I don't care if you are fat or a greek adonis, another man talking to your wife about her underwear and asking her out is just WRONG and her tolerating it ain't real cool either!  Sorry i can't be more positive on this one but I would be putting my foot in someone's ass most ricky tick. Steve

Your pronouncements aside, you are jealous. You have every right to be jealous. This guy is trying to nail your wife and is doing pretty good so far. Firstly, you should not have let it get this far. The only thing that can be done at this point is to talk to both of them individually and demand that these flirtations stop. Possible consequences: divorce, fist fight, termination of your employment, embarrassment or, if you are lucky, solidification of your marriage. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck. Ben

Being heavy has nothing to do with it.  I'd tell her to stop and get some help if she can't. CB

Dolan, It is hard to know what to suggest, not knowing the nature of your relationship with your wife. However, I would talk with the other guy and let him know that what he was doing was inappropriate and that it better stop. I would also talk with HR at the office and let them know what was going on, and that the guy was making inappropriate remarks to my wife. I would also talk with my wife and tell her that I love her and didn't want to lose her, but that I was very concerned that her relationship with the other guy was unhealthy to our marriage and that I wanted it to stop immediately. I would also drop by and see her during the day and spend some time with her so that, if she is lonely and in need of attention, she would come to me instead of the other guy. I would also make a point of "dating" her to try and renew the relationship. I would make it very clear that it is not acceptable for her to be emotionally involved with another man. If she did not respond, I would insist on counseling for the two of us. I would definitely not pretend that I was not aware of my wife's growing relationship with this guy. I would make it clear to my wife how much I love her, but would also make it clear that she could not maintain a relationship with me AND with this guy. Obviously, there is no telling how this will turn out, and there is a chance that your wife may choose to leave you for the other guy (or tell you to leave). But, it is important for her to know that you also have choices, and that you will not stand by if she is going to carry on with another guy. I am praying for you and your wife. Joe

As someone who's been that OTHER guy (except for the asking out part) .  At my old job, I was good friends with all the girls, and we flirted outrageously.  BUT... and this is a BIG but.. (no pun.. LOL).. we all KNEW it was going no where.  They all knew my wife, and would (and still will) flirt in front of her, and she just shakes her head. The difference is, I never hid it from her.  She knew how my friends and I were.  Back in my clubbin days, I actually usually had a couple of the girls with me when I went out.  I was their protector, and they got me stared at as guys tried to figure out what those hotties were doing with the fat guy.. LOL. The problem I see is that you wife was hiding it, and didn't stop after you told her it made you uncomfortable.  This guy sounds like he's going over the line.  Will your wife do anything about it? You should know the answer to that.  If she won't... no harm done.. just extreme flirting.  If she eventually would be tempted.. big issues. So.. can she handle this guy flirting without acting on it? In your heart, only you know the answer. Dale

Man, you should have put a stop to this a long time ago.  Stop trying not to be jeolous and open your eyes.  You don't make comment about a woman's tongs unless you are trying to get them off.  And if she isn't offended by his remarks, he has a good chance.  Trust me, I know.   Is this man married also?  You never mentioned that.  And even though she know how you feel about her talking to this man, she continue to do it.  That right there tells you her relationship with this man is more important than the one with you.   And someone earlier made a comment about seeing both sides.   It's no both sides.  If your wife is talking to a man she know i****ting on her, she is wrong.  Plan and simple.  And it don't take a rocket science to figure out he is. And just because you have a weight problem don't mean you should tolorate being treated disrespectful.  The guy know you are overweight and think you don't have the confidence to confront him.  And so far he has been correct.  You wife might have told him more about you than he should know.  He is using that information to openly flirt with your wife because he know you won't say anything.