Fat Thinking regardless of size = faux pas?

Hey guys, I know that many of us have a difficult time accepting our smaller bods as we lose weight. That makes sense. But I'm finding that I unconsciously still identify with big guys and gals and talk and act as if I'm one of them (now that I'm more of a pudgy fellow that a super morbidly obese one). Yesterday, for instance, I mentioned to a very heavy saleslady that HD tv makes people look fat. I said this a few times. Later, mu wife noted that the woman keep saying that HD made the picture look wide. My wife wondered if maybe my reference to people looking fat hurt this nice woman's feelings. The irony is that I felt very comfortable talking with this woman because "we" were both big folks. I figured--without thinking about it consciously--that she would recognize me as another big person, a simpatico. On reflection, I realize that I often have a feeling of connectedness with big folks and just sort of assume that they share that. But my wife points out that while at my current 207 ilbs I still may be technically obese, the 300 and 350 lbs folks I'm all chatty with probably have no idea that I think of us as "us fatties." No big deal here, but I'm still confused about my sense of size and still identifying with the 350 lb guy I was for nearly 20 years. I'm going to make an effort not to talk as one of "us fatties" etc to big folks the way I did in my plus-size days. Then I talked that way to make us all as comfortable as possible. Now I need to realize that others don't see me the same way I still see myself. Surgery can't fix a fat mind--got to do that one thought at a time. And to be honest, while I don't for one nanosecond miss being a huge guy, I do kinda miss the unspoken feeling of camaraderie we shared when I spotted another jumbo and knew he knew what life is like for a fat guy in a fat-fearing, fat-hating society. Pre-op I figured I be missing candy and ice cream, but I don't. And I figured I'd never miss being big, but in a weird way, I must, since I still feel that way. Who'd a thunk our minds would have more trouble than our bods?

I'm nowhere near where you're at yet, but I can see it coming. I'm almost positive that I'll have the same struggles a year from now that you're describing now. I think there's a certain sub-concious satisfaction associated with being the biggest sum***** in the room. My dad told me a long time ago that if I wanted to lose weight I needed to quit thinking of myself as being  "a big guy". But it's hard and maybe impossible when you were the biggest kid in your class from first grade through graduation night. I can see where there's gonna be some mourning that goes along with the celebration of not being the biggest person in any particular group any more. Please keep us newer guys posted as you go along with your mental and emotional struggles in this area.

JFish, I know what you mean about being the biggest kid in class--and in the family and at work and ... No surprise that we get used to being "big guys." Your dad's advice is right on the money. I once had a doc tell me that I wasn't big but obese. Boy did that embarrass me. Obese seemed soft and weak, but BIG seemed strong and powerful. So I kept thing of myself as big. But by the time I had surgery I was plain old obese: big but without stamina or muscle tone. Even now I find myself seeing healthy, normal guys my age (61) as feebs and puny. My mind knows they're not, but my psyche still resists seeing things clearly. "Mourning" is a good way to characterize this. And don't take my post as a reason to despair. On balance, being smaller, stronger, healthier, able to sit, shop, and move like a normal guy is a real high. I feel better than ever physically and emotionally since WLS.

Doug, I have had similar experiences. Mine is a bit different. I saw myself as the 270 pound guy, and still do. At 350 pounds, I saw myself at 270, and at 210, I still see myself as 270 very often. I had to MAKE myself buy large t-shirts instead of XL this past time, as I just can not get it through my head that that is what fits me. A newer friend and I were talking about what a pain flying is sometimes. I made the comment that those cigar tube sized regional jets were particularly dreadful for us big guys. He asked, "What do you mean us?".  He never knew me at 270, let alone 350, but knew that I had lost a lot of weight, and was "messing" with me. He is about 350. It could have been a pretty uncomfortable situation had he been a client or employee. I don't know about you, but I'm happy to remain dysmorphic for the rest of my life, as long as I am much smaller than I see myself, instead of the much larger. lol JP

Hey JP, I'm with you, "happy to remain dysmorphic for the rest of my life, as long as I am much smaller than I see myself, instead of the much larger"! And I had a similar sense of myself to you as I got fatter and softer. I had a sense of myself at my 260-280lb range when I carried much of my weight above the beltline and in my chest and shoulders. But with each weight loss and bigger regain, my shape changed--my stomach got bigger and lower until, right before surgery, I looked like a grapefruit with toothpicks for arms! But I still thought of myself as a strongish man. Thank God for photos. Eventually, I had to face reality. And boy am I grateful I did while I still had enough time and health to get back to life. So here's to us dysmorphs! Long may we thrive!

OK, I know this wasn't your point, but this is coming from a HD geek:: Most HDTV sets have a control that allows once to select the aspect ratio for the display of non-HD programming.  One selection ("panel") typically displays a non-HD NTSC program in its native 4x3 dimension with bars on the right and left of the image.  This would not make people look "fat" or "wide" (other than the 10 pounds that everyone gains on TV).  Another selection is "wide", which artificially stretches the width of a non-HD NTSC image from its 4x3 to the native HD display aspect ratio of 16x9, so that what you see fills the HD screen without any bars on each side of the image.  Different TVs approach this differently, but there's no avoiding the fact that items on the screen are going to appear wider with such a setting.  Of course, the aspect ratio setting on a HDTV is ignored if the programming is itself 16x9 HD already. /Steve

Hey Steve, Thanks for the info. I can use it because not only I am not--yet--a High Def geek, I am beginning to look into getting a new TV. Believe it or not, my wife and I are still getting great reception from a mid-1980s JC Penney 27" set. Hows that for being wayyyyyy behind the technology curve? I'm reluctant to replace such a loyal old set. S**t! I'm sounding like my grandfather, a guy who had a little contraption for sharpening double-edge razor blades until the turned to powder and hated to get rid of anything that had any life left in it. Not a bad philosophy.

interesting thread. i think i've commented on this before. due to lifting since i was a kid, i never tricked myself into thinking i was a big guy. just fat. i saw, and still see a lot of obese guys throwing their weight around like they are tough guys. like they think they look like a top flight line backer. i let it go. maybe because i spent so much time in gyms, i knew better.

now i struggled with the thinner image but only for a while. i got back into lifted as mentioned here ad nausem. i think since i'm in a sport that so directly effects your outer body, i'm more critical of what i look like. i can give you a perfect example. yesterday i put on brand new clothes we picked out a couple weeks ago. a real nice all tan outfit. i never wore tan before because it's just too light and you can't hide fat with light colors. well, i couldn't believe the mirror. we went to breakfast and i even felt skinny! it was a good day yesterday. yeah, i still empathize with overweight people and will never lose sight of that but i don't see myself as big anymore. especially after yesterday. i hope that's a good thing! carbonblob

cb, I'm not sure I tricked myself into thinking I was just big (and not fat), but somehow I managed to trick myself about how fat and about how fat doesn't equal strong. And I knew better, sort of, but hung on to the illusion that I wasn't just but but was also strong. This as years away from the weight room led to punier, softer muscles. I guess I was a fat head! Maybe still am--but (no joke) many of my old pre-op hats are too big. Your tan outfit reminds of one of my goals, to wear a white suit someday, like some cool dude out Casablanca.

You were 350?   Well .. imagine almost double that. I was at 650.  Probably higher at  one point since when they got my 'highest weight', I had already been working on losing some. I'm at 280-285 right now - have been for a couple months.  Weight loss has slowed down.  I've gone from about an 88" waist to a 42-44" waist.  I've lost enough weight that even my shoe sizes have dropped a couple - from a 15 EEEEE to a 13 EEE. I still find myself looking at some big guys and wondering how it feels to be that small.  Guys probably the same size you were - 300-350 range or so.  Knowing that, while still obese, they can still walk, drive  a car, etc without much trouble.  Where - at 652, I had to ride in the back of our minivan because I couldn't fit in the front doors.     My wife will catch me looking, and whisper to me, "You're not that big anymore."  (Yeah, I know it sounds horrible, but at the same time - she's helping me learn about myself again.)   I really don't know if it's something I'll ever quite get over.  And to be honest - I don't think I really WANT to get over it.   Having that in my head .. it helps me focus on keeping on track.  Keeping my head down, doing the right things, and really appreciating where I'm at now.  The fact I can go walk up and down Main Street in Huntington Beach comfortably.  I can fit in rides now - as I did last year when we went to Vegas and we visited the Star Trek Experience.  The fact I was able to fit into an airplane seat and use the seatbelt without an extension when my Dad had surgery in October. I still identify with larger folks.  Though, now, I have to bite my lip to keep myself from telling them where I came from, and how I got where I'm at now. I'm sure it's going to be even harder in a few months when I'm through with my first round of PS (I go in for a consult with my surgeon for an abdominal hernia repair / skin removal surgery on March 11th), finish with my school, and get back into the workforce for the first time since 2002.   But - with everything I've been able to overcome - it's worth it.  And, like I said, I don't think I want to ever completely lose thinking of myself as a big person.