Hate myself....

Well, I am generally a reader these days..or better yet, a lurker.  I try to post when I see something that I think I can input on....and I try not to post as a whiner..or complainer...but I just need to get something off my chest..and nobody around me..would really understand...but I know you all will..... Most of you know my story.  Started at 340...and lost and lost and lost. I ended up at 155 (which was 15 lbs. higher then my personal goal...and 20 lbs. lower then my doctor's actual goal...even though I talked him into 165lbs.).  Well, at 155 lbs.. I still wanted to lose, but knew by looking in the mirror (honestly) that I was too thin.  The idea of gaining weight back..made me sick..but the process needed to be done.  I ate more calories, started to eat things I shouldn't...and gained.  I weighed between 160 and 165.  I would flucuate within that 5 lb. range.  I still hated it...wanted the 150s...but felt that I could deal with it.  Well, Christmas comes and goes...conferences come and go..and I am now at 175 lbs.  I look the healthiest that I have in two years..  I have people who say I finally look good... BUT I HATE IT...and I HATE ME!!!!   My clothes are tight, I feel that I have an inner tube inside of me and that I am bloated..  I am sure I have stretched my pouch (doubt it, but you know the issues), I feel that I am no longer a loser...but now I am a loser...   I am going back to a protein shake for breakfast, a yogurt for lunch, a cracker or two as a snack, and a light dinner.  I need to lose weight.... I need to find a way of losing........... I know that I sound like I am whining..  I know that I should be satisifed with being healthy...but I feel sooooooooo awful now.  I hate me, I hate everything about me, and I just don't know what to do.  I want a revision... I want them to do a gastric sleeve on my pouch... I am thinking of over-the counter diet aides, I have used bowel preps on sundays to clean me out...  DONT tell me to see a shrink...  I just don't know what to do...  How does one lose weight...after losing so much weight???  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe brother Daniel.... You are a smart guy...seems like you are in a bit of a panic.... Our emotions are the the best guide....Some times we have to look at hard numbers.... We all know that we have eating disorders, and sometime we swing from one extreme to the other....seems like you may be edging to the Thin extreme... with the self hate going...look for an external trigger....besides the weight..what is being a trigger....? Soemthing has tripped you up...figure out what has you on edge and,and deal with it first... you can't make a good decision tonight... get some rest, and regroup.... chat back with us...we are here Russ

No judgement here. I hear what you’re saying and get it. All of us who slowly grew up to being Morbidly Obese certainly understand the feeling of facing an eating problem that seems way too difficult to overcome. Most of us who have lost the weight also understand that feeling of "still being fat." Even when we are wearing Medium shirts and being told by our doctors that we are doing fine. Back when I had a BMI that put me in the category of "Super-Morbidly-Obese," I found no value in someone telling me to "Just eat less and exercise more. Get over it." I only found an actual solution to my problem by seeking out Professional / Medical intervention to help me with the problem. Likewise, if faced with the dilemma of regain, extreme dissatisfaction with my healthy weight, etc… I wouldn’t attempt to face that alone either. I’d seek out Professionals who Specialize in EXACTLY this sort of problem, and go with their program to the letter. That worked for me with my Obesity problem, and I wouldn’t dismiss it as a solution for a new issue, without first giving it every chance possible. Yes? Denial and ‘Downplaying the Seriousness’ of my weight problem allowed it to go on to the point of threatening my life. If I had one piece of advice to pass on, it would be to "Seize the Day" when dealing with any problem that could potentially threaten health and future well being and happiness. What I ‘hear, here,’ is not really angst about eating or gaining weight or even health, but rather about underlying pain and dysfunction in life. Forgive my lack of helpfulness, but I feel a little like one of the Munchkins. All I can offer is directions on how to get to Oz. J Checkout- Body-Image (sorry, the only "Oz" I know in this area….) I hope to hear of your amazing improvements and outrageous ‘Joie de Vivre’ in the future! I hope to hear of your amazing improvements and outrageous ‘ in the future!Best Wishes- Dx

I hope to hear of your amazing improvements and outrageous ‘ in the future!

 

Hey Dan, perhpas you need to find a happy medium.  Instead of having a reactionary "OMG I NEED TO GO ON A STARVATION DIET" moment, perhaps you need to just reevaluate where you are now and what direction you are going in....and make a plan of action.  I don't know any formerly obese man that would  look good at 140 lbs. (which was your original personal goal)...maybe set a realistic goal weight, and work towards it. If you felt best at 155 or 160...go for it.  But do it sensibly.  I didn't have the RNY, so for me to tell you how to diet would be hypocritical.  A lot of RNY women  who are further post op then you have had great success with the 5 day pouch test on the graduate forum. It's tough, but they seem to make it work.  It gives them a few days to get back into control with their eating.  Maybe something like that would be good for you?  Just so you regain some control?  I hope it works out for you man...i know that the days that the scale goes up a couple of lbs ...even if in my mind i know it's water or i just didn't poop enough...i freak out..and drop my carb in take.  I think this is a demon that all post ops face once they are at goal and maintaining. Scott

brother, you and i could be mirrors! except you lost a ton more weight than me. you and i are at the exact same weight. well, the 150. here's my background for you. i went from 287 to 145. when i went almost 30 pounds under the docs weight it was due to being sick, on pain meds and no appetite. of course, like an idiot that's when i went clothes shopping! all my pants were 32's.

so fast forward to today. i stopped the pain meds, got a little better and instead of hovering at 150 i'm now at 160-66. for me that's freaking me out. my pants are tighter and i thought i would be the last guy to gain any weight back. well, it happens. i think you just can't sustain your lowest weight loss for many reasons. i freaked out anyway. you know, we get fixed on a number and feel anything over that is failure. factor in that i lift and run. you KNOW my weight is going to flucuate due to muscle gain.

so here's what happened. i'm probably better at 160 give or take 5 pounds either way. that's my range now and i'm just going to buy more pants! i also used to weigh myself everyday. no more. sometimes i don't even weigh for a month and that's why i'm not on the sunday weigh in. i've said this ad nauseum, i go by inches now. i can fit into 32's but i hate that tight feeling.

what did i do about it? i changed the way i eat. i had to realize my triggers. i like crunchy and it's hard not to want to eat crackers and **** i also like sweet. so i eat rice crackers and popsicles and hard s/f candy. i also step up my cardio. now dieting just doesn't work with me. i try and try. so instead i take into account what i eat and try to really keep my protein up. yes, protein will help you lose weight too. i also shock my system. i lift for exercise and will switch between med weight and heavy, i don't do light. i lose weight when i go heavy actually. if you bike or run or whatever, step it up a few notches until you're fatigued.

just do your best to alter your eating and exercise. it's not going to be easy. you have to stick with it. it might help to keep a log of your calories too. it amazed me how much i ate at night! so try shocking your system and your head will follow. if you can step up your metabolism and cut calories i bet you will take of the extra weight. you are in the exact same weight range and predicament as i am. i've lost 6 pounds so far doing what i just wrote. so it can come off. also, after doing this for the past month my appetite has subsided as well. i no longer need to stuff myself. it kind of all comes back like our first six months. my gut is smaller and i eat less. give this a try. i know it sounds stupidly simple but sometimes simple is the best approach. keep me posted.....carbonblob