Relationships

Has anyone else noticed post-op their formerly solid marriage just falling to pieces? Not saying MINE is or anything... *whistles innocently* No, but seriously.  I've found myself being more self-confident since I've dropped practically 200 pounds, and while this has served me very well professionally and with friends, its caused a lot of stress in my marriage, to the point of not being sure it can be salvaged. Is this common among post-ops?  Your thoughts?

I am not sure how common it is but this has been discussed on the "Tyra Banks Show" and another show that I can't recall right now.   It talked about how while one gains confidence feel neglected and insecure.  As you can tell by the female members on this website, they are beautiful to begin with but as they lose weight you can see the self esteem and confidence glowing in their eyes and smiles. On the Tyra show the women felt that they were not pretty enough be with there husband after weightloss and the men felt that the wives were seeking attention and  wanting to go out all the time.  But as we know when you are overweight, you really do not like going out to have people starring at you.  On the Tyra show they suggested counseling.  I hope that you and your wife can work things out. Eugene 

Just my opinion  if you want to save it, it will be saved. If deep deep down you really don't or she doesn't it will be lost.Like most things in life if its worth having it worth working hard for.  Good Luck

Obviously, counseling and frank discussion are options that might need to be explored if things are that problematic.  In the mean time, subtle reassurance of her importance to you could help her (but not too overt, or she'll feel insulted, likely you're doing her a favor).  For example, you might look for ways to express that your added confidence makes you feel more worthy of her affection, patience, steadfastness, etc.  "Now that I've lost weight, I feel so much more comfortable out with you, I'm not worried that people are thinking, 'Why is that woman with that huge guy.'"  or "Now that I'm healthier, it makes me feel good that I can fix things around here more easily, since you've been so good through the years at keeping this place presentable."  Yeah, cheesy stuff, but chicks eat that crap up.  Oh, and don't go for sarcastic, not even a little.  That could backfire big time.

It happens with some, But a recent study shows that the "break-up rate," (including partners and longterm relationships as well as marriages) Is not significantly different (statistically) for WLS Post-ops, Than it is for the typical Non-Op. Maybe somewhat common, But no more common than it is for the general population. (I know I have a copy of the article somewhere, But I'm on the road right now, And it's on my hard drive back home...) In my case? The loss of over half my weight made my marriage even stronger. 25 years married and headed happily towrd 50th aniversary!!! At least I have a chance now of being alive for that one too. I'm sometimes introduced as my wife's- "First and Second Husband." Hope all works out for the best. Best Wishes- Dx

Hi Jim:

"Confidence"...causing stress in the marriage? Deep down are you maybe ready for a change?

Best Wishes,

Dave

 well, and I don't mean to be throwing a drowning man an anchor here (if it is applicable eben), but I remember someone telilng us at the San Antonio event (it may have been our OH counselor Dr. Nickerson) that something like 50% of post-ops will go through a divorce within a year or so after surgery ..   It is EXTREMELY stressful on a relationship, esp. ones that were kinda rocky to begin with at the time of surgery ..  People start having "other" thoughs (or thougths of others?) and new temptations and such ..     We talked about this at the Men's Breakout Group in S.A. ..  It was very interesting to take part in ..    I'd say start marriage counseling, a.s.a.p. ..  and see if things can be saved ..     Good luck!