Anyone write "Goodbye Letters"?.... morbid.. I know.

Well guys, forgive me is this is too morbid, but the 'what if' has been on my mind tonight.  Yes, I have faith in God, and I know the odds are in my favor, and I'm planning to come back home and enjoy the rest of my new life.  However, the 'what if' weighs heavy.   To that end, I  have started writing 'goodbye letters' to my wife and kids.. just.. 'what if'.  Tonight I just kind of realized that if 'what if' happens, there's a lot of things I'd want to make sure they know.  Basically, just pouring my heart out to each one, to be saved in a file called "If I don't come home". I just wondered if anyone else ever did that. Dale

It's not morbid; it's considerate and smart.

It helps you gain a better perspective on where you are in your life right now and it affords you the opportunity to make sure that nothing goes unsaid should the worst occur.

You don't have to deliver the letters, just let the wife know where they are "just in case". 

After you get home and all is well....don't trash them.  Wait about 6 months and write new letters to your family telling them all the things you look forward to sharing with them in your new life, then break out the Goodbye letters and see how your perspective has changed.  You'll be amazed.

I did it. It was very interesting.

Good luck!

Hey Dale .. have faith man ..  you're going to get through this O.K.!    We all have doubts (and believe me, they come faster and harder as that day approaches!) ..  but that's normal and sort of a "self-protective" thing that kicks in ..  I guess I really got to the point where I figured if something happened to me during the surgery, it was about to happen anyway if I DIDN'T have it, so I had nothing to lose by getting on the table  .. (but then I don't have a spouse or kids, either) ..  So it's sorta like rolling the dice, knowing you can't shoot anything worse and the odds are so much greater than you will come out ahead b/c of the surgery ..  You just need to think of it that way and it should be an easier thing to handle once you realize that  ..    that being said, now for the "lawyer" in me:   if you are doing "preparations", don't forget about giving your spouse a Statutory Durable Heatlh Care Power of Attorney and putting  a Living Will (called a "Directive to Physicians, Families and Other Surrogates" in Texas) on file with your surgeon's office, just in case ... The DHCPOA will allow your spouse (or a back-up that you can trust, if she can't or won't use it or is gone at the time) to make those important lifesaving decisons for you when you can't  ..  The Living Will speaks for you directly if she is not around and tells the docs not to use extraordinary means to keep you alive, if that is your wish ..   It wouldn't hurt also to give your wife and a trusted back up your Statutory Durable Non-Health Care Power of Attorney for all your other affairs.  You can make it take effect only upon your disability being certified in writing by your doctor, or to take effect on a certain date (or when you sign it) and expire on a certain specified later date, if desired.   This will allow your power holder to exercise power over your property, income, debts, etc. when you cannot do so yourself.  You can check off as many general categories of property/income (e.g. bank accounts, real property, gov. benefits, etc.) you want them to have authority over or be as specific as possible.  If you have not done a Will, now would be a good time to do one as well.  In Texas, a holographic will is still a valid carryover from the days of the Old West.  You can just write out your wishes in your own handwriting on a piece of paper (there can be NO typing or printing on it), stating how you want your property to pass and to whom when you do, and sign and date it.   You can then seal it up and leave it with a trusted person.   Once you pull through everything, if you wish, you can tear it up and no one will ever know what was in it.        Like I said, keep the faith!

 

  

 

I had every intention of doing that, but never did. After my mom passed away in '99 it changed me a lot. I realized that there were things that I would never have the chance to say to her. So after that, I told my kids that I loved them and how much they mean to me.  My son joined the army and was with the 3rd Inf. Division when they went into Iraq. While he was in boot camp we wrote letters back and forth. I told him there were things that I would do differently if I could. Spend more time with him and not be such a hard ass. He in turn said he understood why I was a hard ass at times. We became a lot closer with those letters. Your kids grow up so fast that all of a sudden you turn around and they have kids and lives of their own. What's the name of that song, Cats in the craddle?  My daughter and I have always been able to talk, she's alot like me, thinks about what she has to say, then says what is on her mind. My wife and I have always been able to talk, well to a point. You know how it is they want you to tell them what's on your mind till you actually do.  What was my point? Oh yeah, when I started to write the letters it seemed that I was going to write things that they already knew. My daughter lives in the Austin area so I called her after I was approved and told her what I was going to do and answered her questions. Being my daughter, she reasearched it and even sent me a book on WLS. My son lives about an hour away, so the first time I saw him after I was approved I did the same with him. My wife was behind me from the start.  My advice is write the letters, that way if there is something you don't want left unsaid then it is taken care of. pan head

No letters, but before my surgery I told my family that when I do die that I wanted a closed casket so that people's only rememberance of me would be when I was alive. To me, it's very sad that your most prominent memory of someone is seeing them laying in their casket.

In addition to the above I also picked up those signature cards at the bank that when signed allows someone to access my accounts. I had done this prior to my surgery when both my wife and I were traveling and I wanted the kids (all adults now) to be able to access our accounts to pay immediate bills, etc., should something happen to the two of us. Those cards remain sealed along with my "letters" to each of them to this day. Not sure if the cards are still valid though.      What you are doing is not weird. It is a thoughtful, caring and loving thing to do. You are the type of person who needs to be around because you are an important part of their lives. Your decision to have this surgery will insure that. God Bless. Doug

Dale I feel your pain man. Having the thoughts that you are having is normal. It means that you are alive and that you are human. There's nothing wrong with writing letters to your family. IF something goes wrong, which is highly unlikely, then the letters will be cherished for the rest of their lives.

RNY was my first surgery and I was debilitatingly scared before they put me under. In all my 35 years of life I have never experienced fear like that but I also realized that if I didn't do it I wouldn't be around for another 5 years. In the pre-op room I told my loved ones that I love them then they gave me the happy juice and I really didn't care much after that. I woke up and the adventure began.

You're gonna do fine man. Before you know it you will be suffering through the liquid diet which in my opinion was much worse than the surgery.

Hang in there man! You'll be on the losers bench before you know it.

Yup, did that too. My WLS surgeon's team told me that while he'd never lost anyone on the table, that the % 's said that 1 in 400 would be in distress at a minimum. For me, that was enough for me to type out a list of all the items my spouse would need to look after; for our 3 kids to hear one more time from their dad about how much I loved them and would ALWAYS be right behind them thru life ahead for them if I didn't come back (like a guardian angel I guess) and lastly how to clean up my business, employees items etc. Who had always wanted to buy my co etc. etc. Course, I came back just fine. So that long letter is in our box down at the bank, and will not be read by the kids till after I'm gone, I suppose, tho my wife did read it as I asked her to when I got back from the Hosp. That "pouring out" of those feelings I think is pretty important, and I suspect that many many here did just that! :-) Jim

Keep'em and don't forget to re-read then yourself so you can remeber where you've been and what your goals were a year or two afterwards.  It is good to be able to refelct periodically. You are going to do great. You've got a good attitude.