OT: Tough Love

I've mentioned in the past how my wife and I have been "burned" by my brother-in-law, Mark, when we posted bail for him and he still didn't show up for court.  We bailed him out the first time for $750 and I said I wouldn't do it again.  However, when he needed bail money in June, my wife put it up to please her mother.  Her mother later paid us back from her NJ property tax rebate check.  Neither of us has got bond money back from the court.  Plus, Mark lives with his mother but doesn't contribute anything towards her or their expenses.

In the beginning of this month, the bondsman contacted my wife saying that there's another outstanding warrant out for Mark.  They were bending over backwards in not sending out bounty hunters to nab him and maybe even rough him up a little to knock some sense into him.  I told the bondsman that Mark had rescheduled his court date and that there shouldn't be an outstanding warrant.  The bondsman told me that Mark has been lying to us all along.  He suggested that we not pay any more bonds for him.  We had already decided the same thing. Here's the Tough Love part:  Mark was arrested on 11-08-07 for the warrant and put in the county jail.  No one posted bail.  As far as I know, no one even went to visit him (we left for a long weekend vacation last Fri and his mother doesn't drive).  He called me collect at home on Tues and said someone's got to bail him out.  I didn't respond.  But, I did tell him that we now know that his court date is Tues, 11-20-07.  So, my wife will probably take a day off from work on Tues, and take her mother to court to see him.  Until then, he'll just have to stay in jail.  Just thinking about him almost ruined our vacation for my wife.  But, I convinced her that Mark only has himself to blame.  Yeah, we feel bad since it's near Thanksgiving and we hope he's free by then.  However, we can't affford to keep bailing him out when he acts so irresposibly.  He's 51 and should grow up already.  Besides, these warrants are for failure to show up in court about parking tickets.  What a shmuck!!!

I can talk as someone who some years on the wrong side of the law who has also spent a few nights in jail.  You're doing the right thing. He needs to know he is going to be held responsible for his own actions, or lack of action by not going to court. Don't let him rot in jail visit and support him but don't bail him out. Don't know what the warrant was for or the crime but if hes in for more than a couple of days it fairly serious and maybe just what he needs.  HOLD STRONG Good luck

We Want to visit him, but you must schedule visits.  My wife and her mother have been unable to coordinate their schedules.  My wife works full time and my mother-in-law lives 75 miles from us.  My brother-in-law is in jail in a totally different jurisdiction about half way between my wife and her mother.  If they wanted to visit him, they'd have to schedule it, have my wife drive up to her mother's, drive back down to the jail and reverse that trip when the visit is over.  That would involve a lot of driving along the NJ TPK which would probably run into rush hour.

At least when he goes to court, my mother-in-law will be with us for the week and my wife won't have to do so much extra driving.  There's no sense in having me go since I have major mobility problems.  Plus, I'm likely to go nuts and get loud due to my own mental problems.

It's difficult, but you are doing the right thing.

Especially for such trivial charges as Failure to Appear, he should learn a little responsibility.  And besides, with those type charges, he's already established his track record.

Hang in there and support your wife and Mom in law while still defending your own ethics and standards.