learning tolorance one day at a time!

after reading all the posts i now realise i have some teaching to do and it has nothing to do with weight. you're right, he needs to see what he did and how it came off. hopefully he'll learn not to do this again given the same set of cir****tances. you know, it should just be a matter of respect for your guests! i see that now. thanks.......carbonblob

Yo Fred,...you do know how to have a good time!!! As if you needed another opinon,...here's mine. The kid either admires you or sees you as a free-loading source.  I expect he appreciatesd yuor friendship and mindlessly abused it. I would recommend, since this is a topic sensitive and close, going to visit and start easy with, Did yu ennoy yhre food?  Di d you have a good time? Then start shifiting into the meat of the matter by redirecting the topic to; Did you notice the theme of the gathering? Did you notice what others were bringing? Did you notice what and how much others were/weren't eating? Did you notice how many others there were and hjow much food there was? That leads to the heart of the matter: Why did you do what you did? (Was he out-of-control?  Is he not being fed at home? Is he trying to eat himself to death because of his cir****tances? Did he even realize he was creating a problem?) Of course if he is just a real butt-head and doesn't respond with any remorse or respnsibilitiy, letting him know he is no longer welcome is a real option to exercise. If he is immature and wants help, you have led him to a point it is convient to ask for it or talk to him about your obesity and overcomng it. Of course I wasn't there and it does seem to be quite an upsetting situation.  So go with what you feel is best .  A W.C. Field's movie once showed a scene where he is walking down a street with a little girl when a bully throws a rock or something at them.  The girl gets ready to throw the rock back at the bully when W.C. Fields catches her arm and tells her to calm down, try counting to 10,. which she does and thanks him for helping her feel better and calm down.  Then W.C. Fields tells her to go ahead and throw the rock at the taunting bully, shes a good shot.  Throwing mad would only have caused her to miss and she only has one rock.  So, you decide whether to throw the rock back or not. Joe It easier to be objective when I wasn't there and it wasn't my ribs!

great post joe! i think i was pissed about missing out on those great ribs too.....lol. i remember so well the wc fields scene. that was great. i think i'll have a talk with him if the oppertunity presents itself. i'm not really close to him since i work and he's in school now. they just officially moved over here now. if we get a chance to talk i'll clue him in. i was pretty torn looking back on it because after i cooled off i realized he offered to help clean up, he brought over food (ok, after we are done for an hour!) and he really enjoyed being part of our party. i don't think he just has someone to hang with that can teach him a couple basics. i don't know, let's see how it goes in the future and if the time is right, i'll have a talk. if not, well, next year is going to be different, that's for sure. thanks again......carbonblob

CB'' NOt to beat a dead horse but I eat so little now...it someone or something interupts it...I get pissed Russ

That's right. All I can hold is one rib. No one'd better take that bugger!

Dave

yeah dave, i was just telling russ it may all i can hold too but you better not touch it! when gail makes a weekend dinner it will last me the rest of the week now. you know, it used to be i could put away a fair amount even after my nerves in the pouch healed. after this last bout with the pain meds i really tore into my pouch and to this day i still throw up at least twice a week not to mention a handful of food stuffs me.

sometimes i really have doubts about the surgery but i know i really did myself in with the meds. they really ruined my pouch. funny i can maintain this weight with so little food and so much exercise. i wonder how much i would weigh now if i could eat like the old days and not work out. probably 500 pounds in the next few years. i can't believe how much i could eat before and now, an appetizer fills me up. oh well.....carbonblob

lol......you know, if i jones on a food bad enough i'll eat it even though i know it's a trip to the head to throw it all up! sometimes i just gotta have it. as for the ribs it was almost a year before i could eat steak or red meat, i still can't eat fish and chicken. so gail makes these incredible ribs where the meat just falls off the bone and she special makes a sauce i can handle. so i don't ask much out of life now but i was thinking about those ribs for a long time! i could only eat two last time but still, i can dream right? so this kid might as well have stolen my car instead of my rib i was that obsessed about it. so, time for me to get a life and stop beating this poor horse. you're like me now, we eat so little it's a big deal when we can get an actual meal under our belts. so it's an event now when i can eat.

i did notice that EVERYONE at the party watched to see what i would eat. now i didn't tell anyone about the surgery, i just said i had some of my small intestine removed. but i only ate a tiny bit of food and NO desert. so i lived up to my new reputation....lol. i was counting on the strawberry shortcake later because i wasn't sure if it would come back up. so at least i've learned not to eat possible dump food in public. i do have standards you know! carbonblob

You know what they say  about opinions they're like A** holes..everyone's got one. I want to give you a different perspective.....perhaps only slightly different.   Joe made a good point....but lets face it.....communication is a 2 way street.  Perhaps when you made your invitation, it wasn't clear enough that it was just for munchies......and not for the main course.   Obviously to this 15 year old.....it seemed that he and his family were invited.    To the point where he felt comfortable to bring food back to his family...and even offered to bring you food.   I'm sorry he ruined your party....but lets face it if he's 15 and over 300 lbs there is something going on there...and I for one pity him.   Not that you shouldn't tactfully and with mercy mention that he might have gone a little bit overboard......or just don't extend an invitation next year..and say it's an "adult only" party.   You have to understand at 15 and 300 lbs he probably has very few friends....he is probably made fun of on a regular basis at school, he obviously wants to hang around adults...because adults won't openly make fun of him......well your guests appear to be the exception. I mean what 15 year old wants to be at a party with all adults??? One that obviously has no place else to go....  If he sat there and ate masive amounts of food, I'm defintely sure it wasn't out of spite...but probably a compulsive addiction to food....addiction...mmmmmmm where have we heard that before recently.......think think think.....   Yes, does addiction cause interruptions or a disturbance for those around  them...obviously.....and it should be addressed, but again in mercy and patience. From what you've said, this kid is a decent enough kid, he brought a plate of food to share...unfortunately too late.....but not his fault if he didn't make it.   HE OFFERED TO CLEAN UP!!!! OMG call a press conference....a teenager actually trying to be helpful....lol. Also, if you wanted ribs for the week, you should have set aside some for yourself before the plate was put out.   To think that some would be "left over" is a big assumption with 20 people.   Granted, I'm sure you made plenty, but as a party host....if you put it out, you should expect it to be eaten.   There is a proverb (paraphrase) that says do not eat at a stingey man's table because he'll say with his mouth ..eat, eat, but in his heart he'll be cursing you.    I'm sure you felt angry...anger is a normal emotion........you may have some justification for some of that anger....but to rip this kid a new one....would be totally uncalled for...and can easily be fixed by next year not extending the invitation to him or this family. Scott

right on the money scott,

that's just what gail said, put some aside next time. as for the kid, you're right, adults won't tease him outright. i guess though he must have really been shoveling for my guests to take notice. i think everyone was kind of letting the dinner settle before desert and he just dug in and starting cleaning off the table! i'm hearing different versions now. but like you said, a simple solution, don't invite him next year. now i can stop all this hand wringing. thanks....carbonblob

Hello Fred, I'm late to this online party--been away from the computer, but just want to say I always have trouble with this sort of thing because on one hand I don't want to make the offending party feel bad AND ON THE OTHER HAND I want to tear his freakin' head off. And I never trust myself to be civil. I'm either sort of a bully or a wimp--sometimes both before I finish! We've got a guy in our family who always lines up first at family functions and grabs huge portions of meat without waiting to make sure everyone gets some. Many a time, the cook comes out to find that there's nothing left. We tap dance around and try various ways to get through to this guy and have finally had to come out and insist that everybody take a modest portion and wait to have more. It works but only if we reinforce it at every meal. Go figure. We were always taught not to embarrass ourselves or our family by acting like your young friend. Now I'm glad the adults in my family cared enough to lay the hammer down--lovingly, of course--on us kids. We resented it then, but at least we know how to be polite. Your young friend has been cheated. Maybe you'll end up as kind of mentor for him. I agree with the guys who say this is a social issue (manners, learning how to behave, etc.) and I feel bad for the kid. At the same time, I don't think we can just set aside our old feelings about the goofy, out of control fat guy we used to be, so it's natural for us to have a love-hate-sympathy thing when we see behavior like this. One last thing: You've got me drooling for ribs now! And that's all I need. My mind still obsesses about certain foods and I'm big on self-pity. I get all angry and weepy if something I counted on doesn't work out. One day at a time is a good philosophy--but not easy for me. As for "easy does it"--right! That's a whole 'nother fight. Sorry for your frustration but your rant was good for me. It shows me how much more there is to WLS than most folks think. Next time, you and Gail make yourself a secret batch of ribs and as my Italian grandmother would say, "Mange! Mange!"