learning tolorance one day at a time!

i touched on this subject last year but really skipped over it. like some of you i was a lightweight, relatively speaking but because of complications i lost my weight in 7 months....fast. like over 140#'s and that's a lot for a lightwieght. well, to get to the point, my mental, emotional and measure of my being was put to the test over the holiday. this is long so change the channel if you want!

we have a struggling family that moved in when their parents died. the son's girlfriend is over 300# and her 15 year old son is about 325-350#. in case i'm not making sense the parents died, the son, who's a little overweight hooked up with this lady whose heavy and has a heavier son. well, the son took a liking to me and i try to be nice when i can. we have a block party every year and i invite them to stop by for munchies but that's it. we cook for over 20 people who are close friends so we expect they would take off and cook their own stuff when are friends and us are sitting down to eat. well the first time the kid was making off with food but i let it go. this year was a disaster.

he plopped himslef at our house at noon and started eating the munchies two hours before any arrivals. when our friends showed up, he started eating their stuff. no my g/f made these incredible ribs that takes steaming and bbqing and two days to come out right. now i can only eat a little but all our guests know i don't eat much so they always make sure there's left overs for me for the week. i can only eat two ribs at a time. anyway, this kid comes over, stuffs himself and then takes three portions to his house for his "mom". then comes back and completly cleans out the strawberry shortcake the same way. some of the guests are getting pissed because they brought this stuff for our guests. you know, i never got any desert or ribs! he took a whole slab and 6 shortcakes away. as if that's not bad enough a guest brought a huge amount of brownies some plain, some sugared some powdered but it must have weighed a ton. he sat in front of it and damn near polished it all off! our guests are to kind to say something and gail and i are so busy preparing food we don't catch it. the kid finally takes of for a while and the whole party comes to us and starts freaking out over what this kid did.

they started slamming him big time. noticing he couldn't tie his shoes because he has no ankles it really looks like his calf goes right into his shoe. plus he made no attempt to slow down or show any respectful eating habits. i'm soaking all this in and they look at me. so i say look, the kid has problems, we only invited him for crackers and that was it. if he took some food fine but i didn't see him clean us out and i'm pissed as hell because the leftovers were going to be a weeks worth of dinner for gail and i. so neither of us got our own ribs or desert because of this kid.

well, the namecalling starts and i'm in the middle trying to defend him saying it's a bad upbringing, he's unhappy about his weight. the fact that he really acted like a pig and hoarded food and took it home really pissed everyone off including me. so get this. after dinner he brings over a cassorolle. gail just looked at him and said everyone was finished an hour ago!

i never thump anyone about weight loss or how to eat. i was hoping he would be impressed about my weight loss and there would be an opening where i could help him. now, i hate to say, i'm just pissed at his actions. even in my worst food jags i wouldn't raid someone elses party and steal their dinner and desert. jesus. i understand the sickness behind it all but i'm still pissed and not as a new thinner person. this was glutunous behavior and we would have stopped it if we saw it going on.

so in the end, this poor 15 year old was the topic of the party all night. how he's going to 500 pounds in the next two years. he might well be going that road too. i think he's a good kid under all that pressure, i've been there but i also have to put a stop to this next year and lay down some rules. he ruined our evening because everyone brougt something to share with the group and a lot of people didn't get a taste because he had consumed it before everyone got a chance to enjoy.

i have to tell you there was lot of bias and bigotry flying around my head last night. i wanted to scream don't let that fat ass over here next year and stuff his goddamn face with our food and our guests food. he's outta here and i don't care how you tell him. wow, that could have been me years ago but my parents would never me do something like that. at least they instilled some pride in me not to indulge like that in public. the temptaion was too great for this kid to stop himself and for that i'm truly sorry. i'm also upset he killed well laid out plains for a party he was not invited to. for me it would have been better if he came over drunk and i could belt him. instead he comes over and hits my weak spot where i'm most sensitive. well, i stood up for him but inside i wanted to ring his neck. thanks for letting me vent. i'm still so pissed i don't even know if this makes sense.

it's a huge deal for gail to make these special ribs for me. huge prep time with steaming and baking etc just so they're soft enough that i can have a couple. everyone else just ate tons of them in a half hour and then, zip left over for me. by the time gail found out she snatched two little ribs and gave them to me today. i was so looking forward to eating ribs for a week and all i got was an apetizer. ok, enough pity party. maybe i need to get pass this and forget it. i'll tell ya, way in the dark recesses of my mind i wanted to call him fat ass names for ruining our party. i didn't but i don't deny i had the toughts.

so for some of you new guys, we always try to say don't forget where you came from. i go out of my way to be friendly to big people and treat them with the utmost respect. when i got shafted by this kid. a lot of that goodwill went down the toilet. we have to practice so much self control now it's not funny, when we see someone acting like the old us or worse, well, do we empathize, hold out a hand. curl up and turn away, call them names or say that was never me? all i know is, no more invites for them ever again. if he ever comes to me and wants help to lose weight, fine. but nothing else on that subject. this kid is hurting and i know this is going to turn out bad somewhere down the road for him. oh well, thanks for letting me rant. not sure what catagory i even fit in anymore. what made it so bad was most of our friends had not seen me in two years. now i look like a bonified lifter now, muscles, veins, striations, definition blah blah so i'm getting all this attention for looking good and then hear them slam the **** of this kid who was me at his age. they asked me why don't you help him!! what, am i a doctor all the sudden? i don't push this **** on anyone and nobody knows i had the surgery, i dont' need the grief or the horror stories every knucklehead has on WLS. if this kid came to me in tears and said i saw you do it help me, i would of course. his course that day shows me he's ready but doesn't know how to ask. or i could be wrong in which case i'll still keep my mouth shut.

sorry for the rant. i'm sure all of you get this kind of crap your way from time to time. just don't ever want to accused of calling the kettle black.......carbonblob

Hey CB, Wow man! Lots of stuff in that rant.  It's sucks to see the aftermath of food hurricanes after what you have gone through to make a new life through all your hard work post WLS. However, it's good to see that the type of behavior that was exibited at your house is not you or the people you wish to surround yourself with. It's one thing to support those that want help, but rude behavior is rude behavior whether thin, fit, or fat. No reason to beat yourself up over the what you saw, the pathetic demonstration of gluttony.  I would have been far less patient in your shoes, but if it were me, it would have better for the kid to get a share of the ramifications of his actions.  You're one of my heroes in this, man! Don't sweat this. We can pray that he honestly comes and seeks your advice for his problem. There's not many better than you to show the way. Tman

thanks for the support Tman. i was rereading my post. man! i must have had a lot on my mind. i couldn't stop it seems. i guess it really just brought out a lot of negative feelings that were buried in me.

in the end you're exactly right. it's just what gail said, she would have put a stop to it right there if she had seen it. by the time we knew, it was too late. next year we'll just tell them we have only enough for our guests and that's it. it was just such a sad day for him and i felt a little pity for myself too i guess. i don't really look forward to food anymore but once in a while something like home made ribs and a little desert are a big thing and i was drooling thinking about them for weeks.....lol. thanks for the great reply....carbonblob

CB,

Sounds like you exercised immense self-control there. Obviously, aside from being MO, the kid has some upbringing problems. Could be short-term, maybe the parents think he only does that stuff at home (right?) and many adolescents just turn into pure terrors whenever they leave home. Or maybe he's just always been indulged like that.

I'm a little more implusive, I discipline other people's kids when they do stuff like that. I just can't resist. Way to resist!

Sounds like you're really working out hard. I'm pretty much the same, but actually getting some leg shape (large and shaped) for the first time in my life. Can't say I've ever sprinted for three months straight before, not even in high school. Then, the jump squats with the weights, and plate dragging 100 meter dashes (15kg plate on chain and bungee behind me). This is what it takes for me to work out legs really well.

I like your rants!

Dave

thanks Dave, like i just mentioned i reread my rant and didn't realize i went on and on like that......lol. you're right on the money, next time it's on the table. no sense in tolorating that kind of behavior.

as for the legs, wow, what a workout. i'm amazed at how much definition i have in my legs just from a low fat diet. veins and the whole works. i do a pretty good leg routine plus running and swimming. for a good quad flair i do my squats with my legs together and then do 4 sets of sissy squats at the end. it really puts size on. take care.......carbonblob

Hey CB.... I have a little different take on this....passive aggressive for sure from me.... I think address this as a social issue, and leave the weight out of it... I think address the kid face to face..and tell him that he is a man now, and you will speak to him like any other man....that his actions were unacceptable... hoarding food or liquor is not acceptable....that people at the party noticed, and that to keep the party a pleasent event, he will not be invited back.... I have been at parties where Cheap SOB's started carting booze off to their car the second they hit the door..bottles of it.... This is the same thing...I don;t see sutting the kid any slack because he is fat...you wouldn't cut a drunk any slack because they are a drunk.... You don;t have to get mad..just lay it out there....you were unacceptable, you will not be invited back....you actions were disruptive....if mom says anything....lay it out the same way...in the "surely you can see where this is not acceptable" Don't address his eating issues, unless he brings them up////then don;t mix the 2.....tell him you would be happy to discuss his health at a later time, but you do not want to dilute the importance of his action, by dicussing multiple topics...and stay on message geez...did I just have a rant??? Russ

well, it was a good rant! you're right on the money too. what he pulled was bull**** no matter what his size was. i clouded it all up because i saw myself in his shoes. first things first, that was crappy behavior at a party, period. i don't know that i'll confront him yet. we have to live next door to them and i'll have to think it through. at least this is just a once a year thing and next year.........no way. thanks for the honesty....carbonblob

CB, I’m with Russ on this one… That’s a Social issue, perhaps brought on or mitigated by the emotional/compulsive over-eating, but still, effectively just an issue of how he interacted socially. Even if you were throwing this ‘shin-dig’ at your former top-end weight, If a “Big-Azzed-Ant” showed up at the picnic, You would have seen it as a huge nuisance. That is not changed just because You have changed. I’d approach the kid or parents and communicate the info About the “Socially-Unacceptable” nature of his actions, Without ever getting into his eating issues. There are a lot of folks out on these boards Who get their panties up in a wad over- “…forget where you came from.” This isn’t a case of that.  You are letting your “sense of self,” And all of your own past guilt/esteem/self-image issues Even the emotions associated with “secret WLS,” Color your thoughts about what was basically just rude behavior. Leave the “feelings” out of your explanation of “why no more invites.” One of the bonuses of being a man is that we get to deal with “Actions not Feelings” when communicating with others, And aren’t expected to be all “touchy-feely” and conflicted, When addressing a problem.  It’s very “freeing.” I couldn’t help but think of my ‘name-sake’ “Dexter,” When reading your rant….. (the Showtime Serial-Killer Series?) There is an odd sense of- “I understand what you are doing, because I’m one too.” The whole- “Takes one to know one…” You, more than anyone at the ‘Get-together,’ Had the ability to recognize his compulsions that motivated him. However, How he acted on those impulses was rude No matter how much insight you had into his psyche. Yes? Deal with the “Rudeness,” and leave his (and your) Psyche Out of the discussion. It’s far less difficult, and much more helpful in preventing future incidences. Best Wishes- Dx

 

thanks Dx, i'm with russ on this one too. you're right, i have to leave the baggage at the door. i now see it for what it is. as you guys put it, it's about the behavior and not the weight issue. if he was sitting there drinking and misbehaving i wouldn't have put up with if for a minute. gail was upset that nobody said something to her earlier because she would have put a stop to it right there and sent him home. i think i would have been too wrapped up in the weight thing but not now.

next year, it's going to be out front, he's not on the guest list! thanks.....carbonblob

The poor kid is a microcosm of whats wrong with todays kids. They have no conscience for most they have have parents that teach them right from wrong so they go about life not caring about how their actions effect other people. Most grow out of it  in their mid 20s. You have been given the opportunity to get this kid on the right path socially at a younger age, My guess is a strong male influence will do him some good. Show him some "tough love" he'll thank you for it eventually And you'll be helping out society. good luck