Are you guy's starving for a laugh?
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "It was a good idea to
replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked
like a charm. Now, the front of the church always fills up first."
The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel
choir. Now, our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest.
"I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest,
"But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the "Drive Thru Confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest,
"My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, and I appreciate that. BUT.... The
flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the
church roof. GUTS or BALLS
We have all heard about people having guts or balls. Nevertheless, do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked
like a charm. Now, the front of the church always fills up first."
The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel
choir. Now, our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest.
"I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest,
"But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the "Drive Thru Confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest,
"My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, and I appreciate that. BUT.... The
flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the
church roof. GUTS or BALLS
We have all heard about people having guts or balls. Nevertheless, do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
PRAISE THE LORD!"
There was a little old lady, who every morning, stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated
at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell:
"THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no
food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge
bags of groceries "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDE
GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO
LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE
THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said
the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet,
stark naked.
The husband, however, became s uspicious and after a search of
the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked
him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are
you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about
an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?"
asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little
*******s!"
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
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