Loser Yes......Loser Still

Hello Gentlemen..... Well, in the reality of things it has been a long time since I have posted.  I mentioned on Friday, that I celebrated my two year surg- aversary...but that wasn't a real post.  Although I am not a poster, usually, I am a reader...at least twice a day.  As I said in my Friday post, I started at 340 pounds.  My lowest was 155.  I loved that number...but dreamed of bringing it down to 140.  However, at 155, I looked quite sick and extremely gaunt.  The doctor was concerned and there was talk of a feeding tube.  I got that low however, by sticking to most of the rules, writing down everything I ate, trying to drink the liquids, etc...  I wasn't allowed to exercise...during that time..for fear I would lose even more (too quickly).  In December of 2006, however... my body adapted to the weight and decided that at 160lbs I would be fine.  I looked healthier then I had in months.. people weren't as nervous, and the doctor was pleased.  I was allowed to start exercising to build muscle, etc.  Since December, I have fought with five pounds.  I have been as high as 165 (hate it!) and as low as 160 (could only wish to go lower).  I exercise (hate it) and see the scale go up because of muscle weight (hate it), but know that I am doing better.  HOWEVER........ I still see myself as the loser that I always was.  Not the weight-loss loser, but the humanity loser.  Never good enough, too fat, ugly, stupid, etc.  Am I these things, of course I am not.  but they are still there in my head.. Of course, how do I punish myself.  Guess what... I can eat a donut or three.  I can eat a cookie or three.  My vow to myself is to get back on the horse, become more disciplined, and stop the bad habits.  It is amazing how quickly we forget what we have accomplished only to let the bad habits and bad thoughts take over.  Needless to say, it is time to be better then who I was yesterday... This is just the ramblings of me...but at least I got it off my chest...

Daniel, Watching your much older posts used to make me think- "Anorexia on the horizon?" I worried about you. I was so happy to read when you got your weight at a level that pleased your doc, and that you were living healthy. As for not feeling like the champion you are? That’s a challenge for anyone with left-over self esteem issues. Keep a Therapist on the payroll, and work to pick up Coping mechanisms to help you see yourself as the Success that you are. The non-Med / Psyche related advice? Find yourself a worshiper or two! Get in a short-term Relationship (social or closer) With someone who looks up to you. Can just be a side-kick. Nothing like being the Lead Character in someone else’s novel For a boost to the esteem. I don’t mean feed off their energy and give them nothing in return. Short-term relationships can be mutually beneficial. Look around. There’s someone (other than you right now) Who would love to have some of your attention. Take that someone to lunch. (well, ok, excluding students!) I see it happen all the time with Grad students at the university. They hook up with an adoring undergrad, and "Bam!" They both feel lucky to be in the other’s presence. The under-grad for hooking up with a superior, And the grad for feeling slightly worshiped. Now isn’t that an analytical and PC way of saying- "You Need to Get Some!" Because, by "Some," I truly don’t just mean you need to get laid. (although that too helps immensely. I’m told.) "Some," in this case, expresses Love, friendship, compassion, attention, etc… All those good things that we get from others. Be an Attention *****! Little kids know the value of it… "Look at me!" / "Look what I can Do!" / "Watch This!" "Look at Me…." They still feel the nurturing value of attention. You need some of that to help you through…. (I’m guessing…) Best mirror in the world to show you who you Can be Is the eyes of someone who loves/admires you. Go find that person and look in there eyes a lot Till you find the real, successful, and Winning You! Best Wishes- Dx Sorry for the long babble.....

 

Daniel, If you don't mind me asking, how did you ever arrive at wanting to be 140 pounds?  If I remember right, you said your BMI was like 21.x when you were at 155, so I'm guessing you are about 5'11".  That would mean 140 would be a BMI of less than 20.  I literally don't know any man who is that thin who isn't suffering from a serious disease. I realize this is tied up in psychology and personal history; because I've repeatedly gotten to 220-something and been happy there (briefly, before I gained), that was originally my target, even though it wasn't as low as my doctor wanted.  This was partly because I didn't really believe lower was possible.  But once I realized I might be able to "name my weight," I decided to look towards objective factors.  Most studies suggest that for men, a BMI of 22-25 is equally healthy.  A sizeable minority of men are equally healthy with BMIs as low as 20 and as high as 30, but others are at risk at these weights, and the vast majority are unhealthy outside these ranges.  Similarly, body fat percentages in the 14-20% range are considered ideal. So why did you intentionally seek a body composition outside these ranges?  And why is 165 (which puts you still 15 pounds from the top of the ideal range) so bad for you?   I understand that you are afraid of slipping back into old habits, but it seems you tolerances for variance are quite stringent. Don't get me wrong.  I think you've done am amazing job and you look great.  And I think at 165 or 180 you will still have done an amazing job and look great, so long as you are healthy and happy.

Hi Daniel! It sounds like your head hasn't ever caught up to your new body. My God!  140lbs. and you'd look like the walking dead. I'm 5'11 also, and my lowest in the past from starvation diets was 160, and my co-workers and boss stated that they were worried that I had a serious problem or disease because I looked too gaunt and thin. Listen to the people around you that are telling you the same thing because in your mind you'll always be overweight no matter what... at least it sounds that way.