My Friend Used To Be So Fat

I apologize in advance if this ends up sounding like a "main board" post. I have a friend that when we're out and he's had a drink or two (which is pretty much any time we go out, of course) thinks it's entertaining to bring up with strangers we meet that I've lost "like a 150 f&$^ing pounds!"  I know he's only doing this because he thinks it's cool and in a way he's bragging on me, but for me it's really annoying.  At 259/6'0", I'm still pretty fat, but I think I'm close enough to a normal weight/height ratio that most people meeting me are not really noticing my weight (not in the fat South, anyway, maybe in Oregon they would).  I kind of feel sabotaged when he brings this up, because I can see the people looking at me, trying to picture me 150 pounds fatter (of course I never was 150 pounds fatter, but saying I was "only" 120 heavier engages the subject more than I'm interested in doing).  And of course then the next five minutes has to be questions about how I did it, don't a lot of people die from that surgery, can I still eat pizza, etc.  It hasn't happened yet, but my nightmare scenario is that I'll meet a cute girl I'm interested in and he'll pull this. Ultimately, I want to be just normal, not the ex-fat guy.  Anyone else have any thoughts like this?  I'm tempted to say something to him, but even this post is already more Oprah than I prefer my life to be.

Hey Ardbeg,  You already know the answer. But for ****s and giggles lets turn this around, what would you want your friend to do if you were doing some thing to **** him off and were unaware of it? You would want him to tell you and then you would probably be upset that he didn't say something sooner. So catch him before the drinking and ask him not to say anything about it. If he is a real friend he will understand.  pan head

I agree with panhead on this one. And yes, when I'm around people who knew me during the "fat" days, then they are preoccupied with how small I am now. I have never hidden how I lost the weight, but I don't flaunt it, either. It's my body, and it was my decision to have surgery. End of story! Ronnie

Hi Ardbeg, Oprah says "hi"--just kidding. This is not an Oprah-type post but a realistic issue for some guys--me included sometimes. I got annoyed at people giving me advice and commenting on my weight was I at my fattest and I still have residual annoyance at too much interest in my new bod. What's "too much"? Hard to say, but like ***** you know it when you see it. I wouldn't worry too much about some lady you're interested turning this into a big deal and such. If you find someone and hit off, you'll need to tell her about it anyway and up front may save some hassles later. Besides, what you've done is a major accomplishment: you've taken responsibility for a health issue and dealt with successfully and realistically. That's kinda rare in this culture. As for your buddy, tell him straight up that you'd appreciate if he lightens up about you lightening up. And don't feel guilty or apologetic if he initially resist your request. If he's true friend, he'll get the picture and back off. Tell him in a manly way, maybe with a few punches and grunts and nobody will think of it as Oprah moment. (Just kidding, of course. I know this stuff can be stressful, at least it can to me.) I think it's going to take a while for some us to ever feel "normal." And it's probably not easy for those who knew us prior to surgery to figure out who we are either. We're all learning as we go.

Hey Ard, Not much to add - just to say that open and honest communication is always the best way to handle any situation.   I'm sure he has no idea he's making you uncomfortable - because you haven't told him. It doesn't have to be a big deal - just tell him that's not the first thing you'd like people to know about you.  Good Luck - and, there's nothing Oprah (or GOD forbid Dr Phil) about being honest and open with your friends. Chuck

I think it’ll fade with time. In my first 2 years post-op, This sort of- "Well he Used to be twice the size…." Conversation pieces popped up often. Less and less as others got used to the Non-"Super-Sized" Me. I’d just make a pact with your friend. "You don’t bring up my surgery to lose weight, And I won’t bring up your surgery for ‘Male-Enhancement.’ " "But I didn’t have any such surgery!" "Yeah, but that won’t keep me from saying it, or them believing it." I’d say keep a sense of humor about it, Be open and honest with him about it, and you’ll be fine. Best wishes- Dx (BTW, does the font make my azz look big?)

well, too bad your friend has to be high before he hits on the girls but you have to admit, it's a terrific pick up line. i mean what women wouldn't want to hear the story. he's very smart there. as for the position he puts you in, simply say the next time you pull that **** at the bar i'll kick your ass so hard you could wear it for a hat. a true friend will get the message........carbonblob

While I could claim he's not "hitting on the girls" since he has a girlfriend, of course this is exactly what he is doing.  He's a natural pickup artist, and you can't ask an artist not to paint.  But since he is ultimately faithful and therefore doesn't consummate the hunt, he is a nearly ideal wingman (or at least, he was). As to your and everyone else's advice to talk to him, of course it's right.  I have actually thought before that I'd say something, but right after at the party/whatever is not the right time or place, and I kept forgetting about it until the next time it happened.  This thread was partly to confirm my instinct, partly to serve as a standing reminder to say something before the next time it happens. Thanks everyone for the responses.

Much the same happened for me too, and all I did was tell my buddy that "hey, you're stealing my thunder!" and I added that some folks I didnt' WANT to know....so he yapped up and has never said a thing since. Good friends will listen, I figure...maybe you'll learn a bit more about your relationship with this guy at the same time! Jim  

Hey, did you ever think that he's trying to help you?  He wants to show how a friend like you worked so hard to get where you're at. It shows to the ladies that your responsible, conscious about important decision making and of course being able to find a friend who's stuck with you thick and thin.