Just need some venting

I just need to vent a bit. So my wife was the one who actually brought up the idea of having the surgery.  She was going to have it done also.  We decided that because we have a small child we would do it off set from each other.  No need for us to both be down at the same time and god forbid anything bad happen to one of us. So we decided I should go first.  I have more life insurance, she is deffinately IMO the better parent and would be more successful singly as a parent than I would. Well I went and enrolled into Kaisers program, and I have been dieting to lose my weight.  I have been working very hard at it too (70 pounds so far).   On top of that I feel like she has no consideration for what I am going through trying to lose the weight.  She continues to eat whatever and whenever she wants.  Unfortunately her tastes in bad food are also my tastes in bad foods, so it makes it very hard.   She does say how happy she is for me when I come home from support group and report that I have lost more weight.  But she also says that I shouldn't put any of my failures off on her.  I can sort of buy into that, but she certainly doesn't make it any simpler when I come home from the gym and her and my kid are eating taco bell, and I'm having to eat another boring ******g salad.  Or she is asking me to take her out to dinner a couple times a week. I was so pissed last night I had to get out of the house.  My first inclination was to go hammer down a big hamburger, fries and onion rings.  I'm glad today that I didn't do that, but I'm still pissed. Oh well, I feel better now that I have complained.

Well to be in the surgery, u have to be mind sent. I'm still battling insurance... but yeah, i would suggest to not argue about her eating appetites but worry about ur kid. For that's when weight gain is most apparent is in the early years of youth. Hoped i helped. :-)

Seht, It doesn't get much easier after surgery either. I had surgery because my weight was out of control. My wife and kids are all thin so they indulge whenever possible. I, as a post op, have to watch what I eat. No sugar, low carbs, etc. I know what goes in my mouth 100% of the time. When I made the decision to have surgery, I knew that it was a lifetime commitment. So, even though my wife and kids eat sweets, fried foods, etc, I need to choose foods that are low sugar or no sugar, and low carb. The saying "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" are words to live by.  I'm not the poster child for this surgery by any means whatsoever. I do indulge now and again. The surgery definitely helps keep your portions in check. A year out and I can only eat half of a 1/4 lb. hamburger, and that's if I eat it by itself. Compare that to having a 32 ounce soft drink, X-large fries, and the biggest burger on the menu. It's quite a step down. I know I can't have a hamburger often though. There are just too many grams of carbs and fat. There are options at every fast food restaurant. You don't always have to eat salad. If you're wife wants Taco Bell, just don't eat any tortillas, chips, or flatbread. My wife works for TB, and I eat there often. I love to eat chicken, lettuce, tomato, cheese, onions, and beans in a bowl, then add lots of fire sauce. I try to stay away from drinking with my meals, so that's all I'll have for lunch. If you're eating at Burger King, Wendys, McDonalds, or similar order a grilled chicken sandwich or two and just take the bun off your sandwich and stay away from the fries. If you must drink with your meal, then just stick with water. Drinking soft drinks will keep your stomach expanded and cause you to eat more. A nice alternative is drink tea and add some splenda.  Any time you feel like you can't stay with the program just stop by and let us know what happening. We've all been there and have come here for help from time to time. That's what makes this forum what it is.  You can do it! Ron 

Seth, Good vent.  Glad you feel better.  More glad you are losing. Help me out here.   After checking your profile,  you are losing but have not had surgery? Kaiser program??  I don't know what that is. What I do know that may help, if I might try to as a friend and not a know it all; After surgery, not in the first 2-4 weeks, you can have Taco Bell (i.e., refried beans and cheese, suck the innards out of a beef and bean burritos and later, a full blown regular taco or burrito or maybe half a quesidella).  You can have Wendy's, chili, baked potato, yogurt and granola;  McDonalds fruit and yogurt.  Anywhere grilled chicken or fish (not fried) but remove the bun and no toppings.  No cheese unless it is cheddar.  Later swiss or provolone but American process is automatic barf food.  Hardee's mashed potatoes and green beans; no gravy.  You can always drink water or take something with you and just enjoy the quality family time together. After surgery, you can eat out, choices are limited and menu is limited but eating correctly doesnot eliminate eating out.  Money in the budget from week to week,..now theres a different issue that impacts my eating out. Salads,...overrated unless you just plain like them.  I get the impression you and I agree on the satisfaction of salad eating.  After surgery, the nutritionists say unless you put a bunch of meat egg and cheeses on top, no dressing,...then eat the meat, egg, and cheese off the top and leave the lettuce and stuff that has very little nutritonal value you don't get from the vitamins and supplements you take every morning, you are wasting your valueable pouch space and not getting any protein or stuff your body needs.  Lastly, wife doesn't want you to blame her for your failure, likewise, take no credit for your success.  Thats OK because your weight control is never, never, never going to be successful long term until it is you decision irregardless of whhere you are and who you are wqith, it is your food and exercise choices that are going to make it happen. The wild thing,...my family except for my wife, was getting bigger at a slower rate but bigger as I got bigger.  After surgery, they all except my wife have gotten smaller.  SInce I loss 100+ pounds they started eliminating the sugary sodas and candy,...of course I stopped bringing it home to them too didn't hurt any.  They are eating more fruit and protein rich foods rather than starchy junk.   My point is it had a domino effect on my family.  They followed my lead after I stopped talkng and started living it.  Might happen for yours too over a period of time. Just some stuff to think about and chew on. Best of luck to you.   Good to have you on the Board. Joe

Kaiser requires a minimum of a 10% weight loss prior to surgery.  they use that as a guideline.  When you actually see the surgeon, they may tell you to lose more.   So my 10% was 44.1 pounds.  I don't want to give the doctor the opportunity to tell me to lose more and for this to take longer than it needs to.  So I have lost 70 pounds and I am striving for more.   I'm starting to have second thoughts about this surgery.  I know what I like to eat and what I crave.  If I was able to just shut that off, then I wouldn't be needing this surgery.  When I was taking my criminal justice and emergency medicine classes, one of the instructors was explaining heroin addiction and that often the guys who were shooting up would start to get that euphoric feeling as soon as the needle went into their arm.  Well I think I understand that now, because food is very similar for me.  Soon as I smell or taste it I get that ahhh satisfied feeling.  And right now I'm not sure that feeling skinny is better than food.  I've never been skinny, so all I know is how good food is. I'm getting so disillusioned with this whole process.  I'm not sure I can do it, and I don't feel like I am getting the kind of support I want from the home front.  That and all the waiting and long drawn out process of having this done at Kaiser has just about got me to the point of saying screw it.

Hey there-

Don't get disillusioned!! The process of getting approved can be frustrating.  Many of us know that first hand, but for me it was totally worth it.  I can eat most of the things I used to eat, and after a while out many people can stomach much of the foods they enjoyed pre-surgery on a limited basis.  The big difference is that if I do eat them, I don't eat as much, and I've learned how to NOT let the food control me.  I've also added alot more healthy foods to my diet, and try to make eating out an "exception" to the rule. --Dave from AZ

Well,  that is definitely an option but to lose 70 already, you must be having some succes at making good choices more often than not. After surgery, espcially RNY, you will not have physical hunger as an issue for a while.  I'm at 10 months and just having an occassional twang.  What a help that has been to relearnig how to eat! My tastes in food have changed too. The nutrsitionist at suport groups told ud if we are having food fantasies or major craving, take a bite or two.  Chances are, it isnn't as amazing as yo remebered or won't taste like the heaven we were fantizising about.  Or it will make you sick.  Pop Tarts have gotten me,....twice. The support thing on the home front,...thats tuff.  Maybe you should let wife go first so she can become an expert and mother you when its your turn later.  Or not. Just don't fall into the trap many of us experience with the initial weight loss preparing for surgery, if I can do this now,  why go through with surgery???  Because you lose 70, get pissed off about lack of support or food you're not eating anymore and binge out like hteres no tomorrow and put back on 100 and the cycle continues.  After surgey, it will take over a year to be able to abuse yourself like that.  What an opportunity to change life-long eating abusive habits. Take a day or teo to thnik over your position.  Then do what you think is best. Either way, you got friends here. Joe . 

Hey Dude.... Seems like you are coming to a realization before surgery.....it's all about you....with support. without support....every bit of responsibility and glory fall on you..... The jumping threw hoops, has it's ups and downs....realizing that this is a life long event, is the plus side...and that there is no quick fix....it's a tool..... Get your head straight, and scream at the universe....and we are here Russ

Well first of all... Congrats on losing 70 pounds pre-op.  That's a huge amount of weight to lose even if you weren't considering WLS.   Second, I don't know how old you or your wife are, so if my comment is invalid, I apologize.  But, the kid can wait!  I understand procreation is important to many couples however, WLS surgery is hugely personal and requires alot of attitude adjustment, energy, change of habits, its stressful... and even can take a knock to your wallet.  Since both of you are considering the surgery, it is probably good that you're not doing it at the same time.  The more disciplined/will-powered/stronger one should go first so that the other person doesn't freak out and discard the idea because of the issues you deal with.   If both of you truely want to take on a team effort here to improve both of your weight issues, then whoever is not going under the knife first, needs to be supportive of the other's efforts (being you at this point) and not pull the tacobell routine like you said.  Temptations like that are the ultimate evil with food control... why do companies spend billions of dollars on advertisements showing all those juicy looking burgers?.  She should be dietting and losing pre-op just like you.   WLS is not about stuffing your face like crazy beforehand and think "oh, I can be a glut and scarf all day because in a couple of months, I get to have surgery"  If you (and i'm more speaking to your wife at this point) have that attitude, it's going to make the transistion from pre-op to post-op like day and night.  Wouldn't it be easier to transision to night with a flashlight in your hand?  I've heard about alot of people fail to get maximum results from their WLS because they didn't plan ahead of time.  Then didn't get their minds and body prepared for this huge life changing event.  It's not just your habits, its the environment in which you live and the people around you.  You have to stand up for yourself.  She needs to be eating those ******g boring salads just like you.   Now, if she is concerned about child bareing post-op, yes it's possible.  You do have to wait anywhere from 1-2 years before doing so.  So, in the grand scheme of things, its putting off another child for maybe 3-4 years once both of you have had your surgeries.  But both of you have to realize how much better you might make that child's life by being more active with them because you don't have all this weight on your body anymore.  If all she or you is concerned about is what can or can't happen during the surgery and thinking the risk to great which might jeopardize the future lives of your existing child(ren)... what does it say if you or your wife continue to be obese and die of a heart attack or diabetes in a couple of years?  To me, it's a no brainer, if your weight problem is life threatening, you have to do something about it NOW!  It's about YOU!!! Be strong, you've done so well and you're on your way.  Sit down and talk to her about these things, if she loves you she will understand and help you through this. Good luck :)

P.S., I read that last bit on your 2nd post... Don't get disillusioned by this process, yes it sucks... but so does dietting with a huge stomach that says FEED ME!!!.  This BS that people say WLS is the easy way out is truely BS.  It is as hard if not harder to get there as with diet.  Even if you drop the weight, you can still put it back on.  Eitherway to slice the pie, you have to WILL YOURSELF to be successful! There's support groups all over, your WLS clinic can help you find them.  If you can't find it at home, find it there.  It will help.