OT Blowing off Steam

I found out Wed evening (my wife's birthday) that her brother had been arrested that morning at 5:00am.  He lives at home with his 82 year old widowed mother.  Needless to say, she's a nervous wreck.  Then, he called me at 12:15 Thurs morning and woke me up.  He asked to speak to my wife.  I checked and saw that she was sleeping so I didn't wake her up since she has to get up at 5:00am to go to work.  I told him she was asleep and he said he'd call the next day.  Yesterday, Thurs, my wife got a call from her mother saying that he had asked his mother to post bail.  But, she's unable to do so right now.  She asked my wife to do it and she'll pay us back when she gets her NJ tax rebate check.  My wife agreed to do that as a favor for her mother.  But, we're both pissed at her brother because we posted $750 bond to get him out of jail last year.  He keeps telling us that we'll get our money back in a few months.  He's never offered to give us any of the money and have us refund his funds when we get our bond money back.  Of course not!!  This way he can screw around and have other people bail him out.  He's run out of friends who will do it.  We wouldn't do it if it weren't a favor for his mother.  He also told us we'd get the bond money back as soon as he's gone 6 months with a clean driving record.  We just found out that he's in jail for 2 contempt charges for failing to appear in court on 2 driving tickets.  I guess we'll be waiting a long time to get the $750 back.  What an asshole.  Oh, by the way, he didn't even send my wife a birthday card.  That's like an added slap in the face.

Good vent.  Been there done that, will never see the money.  It tougher when they are famly but the issue is they don't accept resposibility for their actions, its always someone else's fault.  It tough to watch but they usually have to hit rock bottom before, maybe the light comes on.  Sometimes it still doesn't.  It is good that you are in a position to help, but I waord of friendly advice,....don't put your immediate family finances in jeopardy.  Yo are the first person that will be asked again then next time, and the nex time, until there is a change wrought.  It can happen but it is the exception, not the norm.  Sad but true.

Sometimes the best help you can give someone is not helping them at all.  As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you!  Fool me twice, shame on me!"   Likely you're doing this to appease the 82 year old mother-in-law...and that's admirable, but he's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own actions.  Clearly he's learned nothing. Easier said than done when dealing with family or close friends...but eventually you need to say enough is enough! If he shapes up - great.  If not, then it does not matter because the results of his actions are his burden to carry - not yours.

Hey Dude, has grandma been enabeling him his whole life.....rescuing him????seems like she is trying to pass that tradition down to y'all Russ you want me to go kick the crap out of him for you.... we can swap...your BIL my brother... R

Seems like forever ago BUT I was you BIL. The only way to get him right is to MAKE him deal with this issues ALONE. Cut him off, tell him NO. a few days in jail might actually help, its not nearly as bad as they make it seem.

Bob - I feel ya. My scenario: I have two brothers.  The middle brother has made a great life for himself.  He's got an awesome job with the government, wife has a great job, they have a new baby.   Then there's my youngest brother. He's CONSTANTLY mooching off of my 74 year old father, who is starting to get a  bit forgetful.  Then, to top that off, we found out about three weeks ago that he and hsi girlfriend have stolen some of his checks.   In April and May - June 1st to be more specific when my sister took my Dad to the bank to freeze his account and whatnot, my brother and his girlfriend have forged checks totalling over three thousand dollars. When you're making about $2500 or so a month in retirement pay - that's a buttload of money. I've e-mailed the varios police agencies involved trying to do smoething about it - hopefully we can get him prosecuted. The biggest hurdle being, my Dad doesn't want to get him in trouble. Myself, my other brother, and my sister (who, incidently is 22 years old and leaps and BOUNDS ahead of my youngest brother who is 34 in maturity) - we do NOT share that sentiment. So I feel your pain.

I agree, you have to let them suffer the consequences of their actions.  IT's tough with the mother in the picture because you don't want to get her upset.  I've got a sister that is constantly being a royal pain in the ass to my mom.  I've got a different perspective.  I follow Richard Bach's advice: "Rarely do members of the same family live under the same roof."  Never felt any special attachment to my sister.  She or I must be adopted.  Sometimes I want to slap the out of her.  Ahhh well, karma's a ***** Bobby