Confessions of an ADDICT

Hi my name is Mike and I'm addicted to Vicodin (hydrocodone). Wow that was hard. Why am I admitting this to all you guys? Because I need your help.  I have been taking hydrocodone everyday since this past August, that is about ten months, as you might imagine, after all that time I am now addicted to the darn things. If I don't take any for more then 24 hours I start to feel physical withdrawal symptoms. It usually manifests itself as a feeling kind of like butterflies in my toes and fingers and restlesness in my legs, although it sometimes includes nauseau, anxiety, and headaches. It usually happens at night and renders falling asleep impossible, so I give in and take a couple of pills.  As I mentioned this all started back in August when I hurt my back, the MRI showed four herniations in my lower back: three in the lumbar area and one thoracic. Since then, I have had cortizone epidurals, physical therapy, and a TENS (electrical stimulation) Unit. Nothing helps as effectively though as the pain meds.  I even consulted with a nerosurgeon back in October about having the problem corrected through surgery, but he advised me to wait a year and try to lose weight during that time because the questionable outcomes from the very difficult and painful spinal fusiion that he would attempt. So hence, I decided to pursue WLS instead, before I even found out that I had Type II Diabetes and Sleep Apnea.  Obviously, I am glad I made this decision to take my life back, but with all the positive changes I have been experiencing the dependency on pain killers still looms as a big negative in my life. Note that right there I used the word "dependency" instead of "addiction." According to my pain specialist there is a key difference: When someone is dependent on a drug it means that they physically require it or face physical consequences such as withdrawal symptoms. While if someone is addicted to a medication, they need to continue it to fullfill a psychological craving. I am definitely dependent on my pain meds, and I will admit here that I am somewhat addicted too. I will admit that I like the way I feel when I take my pain meds. It relaxes me, helps me focus,  elevates my mood, and did I mention it relaxes me. What I don't like is the way I feel when I am not under the influence of the drugs. I guess you can say the lows are as extreme as the highs.  So, what to do about all this? Well last week I saw my new pain management doctor. When I first asked my primary care doctor for the referral a few weeks ago it was because I wanted to convince him to prescribe stronger doses for me because after weening myself down from 40-60 mg (8-12 regular pills) at a time to one or two I was getting back up to 20-30 mg just to get the same effect because of increased tolerance over time.  Between the time that I asked for the appointment and the time I actually saw him last week though I started to really assess my situation and decided that I don't want to live my life dependent on narcotics any longer. The only problem is that while the 64 pounds I have lost has improved the pain in my back, it still hurts everyday. So I went to the appointment last week and laid it all out for the doc.  At first, he started talking about how using short-acting analgesics like hydrocodone isn't opitmal because it leads to patients waiting until the pain is intolerable before taking them which he likened to trying to shut the door on a barn that is already engulfed in flames. Then he started talking about the advantage of long-acting narcotics like methodone, yes methodone - the same drug used to ween off herion addicts. That's when I told him I didn't want anymore narcotics.  So this is what we decided. First, he prescribed a six-day taper of the hydrocodone. After that I am to take three drugs every day. I scoffed at the thought of taking one drug and replacing it with three, but he said that sometimes the best recipes need more than one ingredient. So now I have to start taking Ultram - a "narcotic-like" pain reliever for the general pain, Baclofen - a medicine often used for people suffering from seizures that will minimize the muscle spasms that result in the pain, and Neurontin -  A medication often prescribed to shingles sufferers to treat the nerve pain caused by the bulging discs irritating the nerves concentrated around them. That irritation leads to the muscle spasms. I filled the prescriptions and completed the hydrocodone taper last night. Today, I began the new regimen. I am really nervous about it. I fear that if this doesn't work I will have to go back on narcotics again. I fear that I will suffer from withdrawals tonight. I fear that despite all of the victories lately, that if I fail at this I will feel like I have failed at everything. I need to work on that all or nothing attitude it has really gotten in my way in countless endeavors. I guess what I am askig from you guys is your thoughts and prayers. I believe very strongly in the power of prayer and need all the help I can get from my prayer warriors out there. I also know that there are some guys here that have been through this before too and any advice that can be offered would be much appreciated. Thanks guys! whew that was hard, but I feel like I needed to do that...sorry this was so long, thanks for reading it all!

I applaud you for admitting your downfall and taking the steps to get yourself back to where you need to be. It takes a big man(no pun intended) to admit things like this and seek out help. I was addicted to drugs when I was younger and my question to you is...How long will the withdrawals last? Can you go three days? How far have you made it without the med's? You are a strong willed person and you need to get your mind set in a way that they will not beat you. You survived without them before this and you will survive without them after this also. It was hard for me to get of drugs and I hate to admit this to anyone. It took quite a while before the want for them went away but in the long run, you know you have done the right thing. When you get that feeling of normalcy back, you realize that you are ok. Keep up the fight because it will not be an easy one. Good luck to you and if you need someone to talk to, we are here for you.

Mike, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Doing WLS is a big choice and not an easy thing to be successful at. You are being successful; KUDOS. You are making choices to get better. KUDOS You are seeing professionals for solutions, not steet pushers for drugs; KUDOS You are willing to try a new regime and push yourself to better your situation; KUDOS Yuo are probably going to need pain kllers until you are able to have back surgry and yo will definitely have pain killers after back surgery to heal.  Maybe then would be a good time to really worry about getting clean from pain meds.  If that heals up OK then I can see the difference in dependent and addicted.  You may be addicited, but it may be a short term necessary evil. I will pray with you about it and hope for your personal inner peace with the conclusion your feel you are directed to make. I agree that your faith can make you whole.  Whole doesn't always mean healed physically as much as it means at peace with who you are and your situation.  Keep the faith man and keep on working. One of my favorite quotes is from Brigham Young when the Mormons capped the hill overlooking Salt Lake Valley after traveling for months from Missouri.  He is credited with saying "This is the Place (where we will settle)".  What isn't noted is that it was suggested to Brother Brigham that they as a group/handcart company kneel and give thanks, to which the Church leader and prophet replied, "We prayed this morning,...now is the time to work." Another similar quote I like is: "Pray like everything depended on the Lord and work like everything depended on you." I think that is what you are doing. Joe 

This story is very similar to my own.  I have been taking similar meds for years now.  One of the major reasons I had bypass surgey was to lose weight to help my back.  During this time I have taken many pain medications as well as the usual regime of p/t and injections.  Right now i am on a fentenyl (sp) patch system.  It has been 4 months and I am dependent as well.  With the medicine I can do normal activities without suffering as much pain.  I have tried several times to stop taking the meds and went back to my old miserable self.  My doc and I have decided to keep me on this system until I can have my second back surgery.  This will happen when the surgeon deems that I have lost a sufficient amount of weight.  Right now I am at 275 (1-22-07 I was 384) and I am hoping by the end of July when I see my surgeon that I will be below 250. My only advice is to keep searching for the right method and docs.  It is a specialty that is ignored or misunderstood by many people. Thanks for posting and I hope all goes well with you. Prayer is a wonderful thing.  This morning I asked for strength to get through my day with a positive attitude and little pain.  So far it has worked! Jim D

I had major back surgery 3 years ago. A fusion on l2-3 l4-5 with instramentation... I was on pain meds for 3 years prior to surgery because I was in and out of wheel chairs. I remember my mother asking the doc about me getting addicted and the doc said we have to get him out of pain then we can deal with that issue if need be. To make a long story short we never dealt with that issue. I went from vicodin to fentenal patches that I chewed then oxycontin to finally Opana or oxymorphone which the next step would have been heroin. 3 weeks ago it got to the point where I did not even feel anything from the pills they just kept me from getting sick and to get over the sickness in between dr visits I would use tussin because it is close to and opiate. I woke up one day and I just could not stop crying because I knew that I was almost to the point of no return. I quit cold turkey. I spent 4 days lying in the bathroom floor to the bed dry heaving because since the rny I can't throw up. It was in such bad physical and emotional pain. I thought I was going to die. My wife wanted me to go to detox but if I do that it is on my record forever. I have been 3 weeks with out and it is getting easier every day. Don’t hit rock bottom like me where heroin seems like a good choice. Get control now because it will only get harder. If you need to talk feel free to contact me. I will keep you in my prayers as I hope you will do for me

Hi Mike, Consider the positives: (1) You've taken the first--and absolutely necessary--step toward recovery by admitting that you need help. (2) You made this admission to guys who in various ways have personal experience with addictions, dependencies, compulsions, and obsessions. (3) These guys care about you. (4) You've already gotten some wise, concerned responses (and no doubt prayers from guys who haven't posted, but who are out here in cyberspace). I'm a strong believer in including or adding "philosophical" or "spiritual" support to every other kind of help we need in these difficult areas of life. A good 12-step style fellowship can be quite an asset to you. You'll still need expert medical help, of course, but the friendship, shared experiences (of failure AND success), and even humor of a group of similar folks can work wonders on the body and soul. If you decide to give one a try, be patient and try out a few groups before you decide 12-stepping is not for you (and it might not be). Addictions, just like morbid obesity, seep out of our bodies into our minds and spirits. But you're on your way out, I think. And whatever path you choose, know that you've got lots of support and good will here. We're all pulling for you, brother.

Hey Mike, like Doug said we're pulling for you.  Lot's of good stuff in the other posts so the only thing I'll add is my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this.  I was addicted to xanax for quite a while and used a taper withdrawal under supervision of a doctor.  But it was a ***** Good luck and keep us posted. Bobby

Hi Mike, I echo the thoughts of all the guys here.  It takes a bunch of courage to admit what you did.  Certainly, if we can help in any way, please let us know.  These guys have been through it.  Grab hold and don't let go.  Give yourself some credit, and do what you know is right.  We are behind you 100%.  Certainly we will be praying for you as well. Hang in there, friend. Greg

Hello My southern Brother..... Thank you for felling comfortable enough with us to share...For a bunch of musty smelling old guys we are genuinly here for support,,,,and friendship, and the occationaljoke that is not PC You have gotting lots of responses...you have 2 problems so to speak of...1 the dependence on the junk....and once that is gone, you still have back pain... There is a medthod that they use to help with these detox symptoms, to help with the physical symptoms they put you under anesthia and flood your body with narcan, and flush you out....you body is asleep so you do not feel the physical symptoms, but then yo have to deal with your pain.... None of the options are too pretty....we are here to listen...and i'll help you cuss at the universe.... be strong...someone is here pretty much 24 hours a day...chat as much as you need Russ