Friday Humor, Better buckle up.....
The cat and the rooster A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said: "a wet ***** always makes a **** happy."
Lesbian frog What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?
IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken
A lady walks into a BMW dealership A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price." Her Side of The story HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask
him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
A young minister A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Boobs A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said: "a wet ***** always makes a **** happy."
Lesbian frog What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?
IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken
A lady walks into a BMW dealership A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price." Her Side of The story HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask
him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
A young minister A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Boobs A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
I kinda like you being between jobs. It really ups the content on your jokes post.
Bless you.
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