Post op Discussion...unpleasent

Hey Guys…

Something has been rumbling around in my head for a week or two, I wanted to get your input…

To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know what to put as the subject line for this comment…

It has to do with who we become after our surgery…I know I’m beating around the bush…

Ok, After we loose the weight, and we upgrade our health, there seems to be other upgrades that come alone….I have upgraded my clothes…and if I think about it…I have upgraded my job….and I have to admit it, I have upgraded my skin…I have had 2 round of PS, and a third on the way….and in all truth, I now push Kelly to upgrade his health.

But there seems to be some of the ladies out there, that want to upgrade their husbands…I may be standing in moral quicksand here, but I find this very distasteful.

This is presented in many forms, “we don’t have the same interests anymore”, “I see where we were never compatible, I was just too insecure to leave”, and the thinly veiled allegation that there is some type of abuse, “he mistreats me”.

But the other day a chick just came out and said, “you know, since I have had all my PS, and I have a hot little body, it’s disgusting to get in bed with him, …you know he has put on thirty pounds…”

Now on these people, when the wife was obese, They were disabled, she had to stay at home, take care of the house, feed the kids….hubby is out working, and it is his insurance that allowed her to get the surgery, in the first place, and to get the PS…

The ‘Mistreatment”, seems to be that this guy wants a bass boat, instead of paying for her more PS…

Like I said this is really distasteful to me, but the acceptance of this behavior by others really bothers me….”Oh girl, you have come so far, don’t let anyone stand in the way of your journey”…”I understand, you are using your new self confidence…way to go”…and my personal favorite…”I know what you mean, just as soon as my tits are done, I’m out of here”

Now I don’t know if these guys actually loved these women, but they provided for them, and at least found them acceptable enough to poke enough to give them 3 kids….worked provided food and shelter, and protection….

Ok there was the rant. I guess the question is, am I the only one that sees this? Is it just my imagination? Is it as common as I perceive? The women that I encounter, seem to accept this as commonplace.
Am I behind the times?

I’m very interested in seeing what you guys think of this, if you have the time, and inclination, to discuss this topic..

Thanks

Russ

i agree that it is both distasteful and much more commonplace than we would like to see.  i also think that many, many people have found the wls journey to be incredibly positive and have rediscovered their significant others.  i think we rarely hear of these successes, because it seems that a majority of what we see online is in the negative sense.  misery seems to love company and people who are doing great don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops.  that's my opinion and you can count me in on the people who have rediscovered their love for their significant other even though times were very tough prior to wls. al

it is distasteful and thoughtless and shows no gratitude bubt it is a humna nature many chose to not control.  Being aware this can and does happen might should develop into some kind of pre-op warning and coping techniques, or at least perspective on where you came form and who helped you get there. Never-the-less, people are people and the freedom to choose is our greatest blessing and cursing.  We do not all choose well or correctly and some care more about the frequency of correctness than others.   While I care, I have to keep that ole Irish Serenity prayer in mind for perspective purposes;  God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference.                                                 - Reinhold Niebuhr

As a pre-op its dificult to read those threads. It plants seeds of doubt. If you question them publically , you're the bad guy.  They say divorce is much high in WLS people than "regular" society, that number is already shocking enough.

I think sometimes these women were in bad marriages they wanted to leave a long time ago, and maybe should have. I think sometimes the surgery creates relationship dynamics problems that didn't exist before.  Maybe the wife used to stay at home all the time, and the husband is a stay-at-home guy by nature.  All of a sudden she wants to go out all the time, meet friends, drag him to events.  Either he goes and hates it or he stays at home and eats frozen dinners.  Either way, they fight.  Or maybe she likes that she gets attention from other men, and even goes out of her way to "accidentally" get it because it's a bit new to her, and the husband gets jealous and annoyed.  Anyway, the stress of all this can cause breakups. But a lot of the time, the women seem to be just as pathetic as you describe (there may be some guys like this, too, we are a smaller sample so you aren't going to hear it as much).  During my pre-op psych eval, I asked the shrink what he saw as the worst mental side-effect of the surgery is, and he named two: body dismorphism and divorce (which he said often resulted in subsequent regret and depression when single life wasn't as perfect as assumed).  He described divorce as mostly a problem for "shallow, vain, and immature" people and had even counseled people to be cautious about the surgery if they displayed warning signs.  That said, he estimated that about half of all married surgery patients were divorced within five years (don't know if that's accurate). The other thing to consider is, you never really know what's going on in any relationship because people lie to you and to themselves.  Maybe the husband was into big girls and/or found her skinny (but flabby, or scar-covered) body unattractive.  He leaves her or cheats on her.  As is human nature, she wants to pretend she's not upset about it, and her new size (and supposed confidence) gives her a great excuse that seems believable, if shallow.

Well, I have only posted on this board a few times but I am a faithful lurker around here. I felt the need to address this post. I have a background in marriage and family studies. I think that what you point out is not something that is imagined or exaggerated, it is a real problem. It has already been pointed out that men make up only a small percentage of WLS's so it is difficult to say how much of this type of behavior happens in reverse. One thing I wanted to point out about the divorce rate among people who have had WLS is this; It is commonly accepted that the divorce rate in the U.S. is somewhere around 50%, so it only makes sense that the divorce rate of WLS's be the same or higher. It is also known that major life changing events show a marked increase in the divorce rate (ex. death of a child, loss of a job, bankruptcy) this would also include a massive loss of weight that changes a person's perception of themself and others as well as a change in status within society. A person goes from being unaccepted by the majority of society to being an acceptable member of society after losing the weight. This can have profound impacts both negative and positive. My point is this, all too often I see people on OH talk about the high rate of divorce for WLS's. While this is not a misstatment of the facts, I believe it is a misuse of them. I have seen numbers thrown out that say the divorce rate is 70% for WLS's. (I doubt it's that high, but have not seen any actual studies so it is plausible) If the average divorce rate is around 50% and we know that major life changes increase the chances of divorce, then these should not be such shocking or worriesome figures.  My personal opinion is that WLS's don't cause any divorces that probably weren't inevitable in the first place. I think this is often used as a poor excuse for people who were "incompaitble" or unhappy with their marriage to begin with. All that the WLS did was give them the motivation to follow through with the feelings they had prior to the surgery. I'll get off my soap box now! Cameron M.

Cameron, I totally agree with you especially the part about that "WLS's don't cause any divorces that probably weren't inevitable in the first place."  WLS, like you mention is just one event of many that can lead to a couple growing apart.  If you both don't make an effort to make the marriage work, you WILL grow apart and at a critical turning point in life, like WLS, you will recognize that you have little in common.  I've been married almost 34 years now and it is much harder work now then when the kids were living at the house.  She disagrees with WLS, I had it.  She does her pottery and I focus on improving my health and am working on my graduate degree now.  So, with the diversity of things we focus on, if we don't make the time for each other, it's easy to say, screw it, I'm outta here. My two cents. Bobby

I agree with most of what's been said. On the other note, WLS has only strengthened my marriage. I think WLS could be compared to alcohol in this instance. Jerks make bigger jerks when they're drunk. Nice guys get lovey when they're drunk. In other words, WLS probably just enhances an already good / bad situation.

As for the proverb cited earlier, here's another one:

May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us?
May God turn their hearts that they may love us.
And if He cannot turn their hearts?
May He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping.

Hell, I used to joke with my wife that when she hit 40 I would trade her in for two 20 year olds. I think marriage is a very difficult concept for many people in todays "throw it out if it ain't perfect" mentality. As far as a woman "trading up" for a new husband, good luck calling them out on it around here. Females can do no wrong, so ultimately is is not just how fat the husband is, there will always be other factors that make it happen. I agree with you that weight should not be the entire reason that people split up, but until people wise up, I don't see the divorce rate going down any time soon. Huge red flags for me would be a woman who does not work and relies on alimony and/or child support to make her living, having kids in your teens before being fiscally sound, having kids before you can take care of them, both fiscally and emotionally, and marrying too young to really know what you want. I am certain there are people married happily since their teens, but if you really love each other, wait a few years and get a trade/degree so you can provide for yourself and future family better. Fiscal irresponsibility also plays into this as well, a wife wanting 10k for boob lifts, while the husband wants a bass boat, while their mortgage is late, credit cards are maxed out, and there are already twin jet skis sitting in the yard sucking up $500/month payments, well you get the idea.

 

Russ, I agree with you, just wanted to add my twisted viewpoint.

 

 

All I can say is: If there really is a god, He is smiling down on me. This surgery has done nothing but strengthen my marriage to my wife.  By showing her I was willing to do something so drastic as RNY to ensure I was here to provide for my family and be an active father for my terrorists, my wife is my biggest fan.  Bottom line is, people have their own motivations for acting in a certain way. Good, bad or indifferent those reasons are their own. Trading in a spouse for a new opportunity has motivations as varied as the day is long i am sure. It doesn't make it right, it is what it is.  People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. It sucks but it's true.  All of this is complicated by the fact that for the most part, people are very selfish.