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Hi Tony, so sorry to hear about the trials you are having and the confrontation.  That has got to be really rough, particularly with the kids.  Please use this board for community and support.  My only advice to you is to be humble about it, you blew it.  You're entire body and psyche is going through a mass transformation right now.  No other way to handle it but just to be humble - you blew it.  Take 100% responsibility even if you don't feel you are that responsible.  An old preacher once said, you have a choice in any argument.  You can be right or you can be reconciled.  You have to fight for one or the other.  That doesn't mean being milk toast.  There are some things worth being right on.  But in this case, regardless of the argument, you lost it when you grabbed her.  There is a book that is out that I highly recommend for you.  It's not on relationships per se, it's actually more about career.  But it's called "What Got You Hear Won't Get You There" by Marshall Goldsmith.  For that matter, if you want to email me your address (where you can get mail) through the OH email here below, I would be honored to send you a copy.  It has kicked my butt and helped me learn a lot of myself.   The other thing I can offer is to pray for you, your wife, and your kids.  And I'm sure many others on the board will do that for you as well.   Not sure I understand where they got the 70% rate of divorce for WLS patients, but that sounds totally bogus.  Keep the faith...I don't know if you are a man of faith.  But a good definition I like to remind myself of is "Faith is not about us holding onto God, but it is trusting that He will hold onto us."  Keep the faith, my friend. Hang in there, Greg

Tony: What a bummer. My wife and I of 27 years have had  the hardest times the past 17 Months since surgery. Between me missing my favorite drug "food"; and her being afriad that a skinny husband would be harder to control. Between me feeling my "oats" ; not eating them and her wanting the old "me" bcak. Between me just being and asshole and her the same.... we have weathered some very very rough seas. There have been days each of us thought we would not make it... After very very sad and lonley days last Month; we had a lonf serious painful talk and turned a corner... just for today... If you had told me  3 weeks ago my wife and I would respect each other again;  I would have bet against it... but today.... we do... I have no guarantee about tomorrow.... The years we spent together; have built up like compound interest, greator than the sum of their parts. All I can say brother is you are not alone, this too shall pass.. Best to you Kev-

There is no doubt that WLS changes relationships including but not limited to: Food Spouse Children Co- workers Strangers Exercise Yourself The most difficult part is to somehow try to make sure that all the relationship changes are for the better ...................

sorry to hear your troubles tony. i agree with greg though. if 70% of people getting surgery ended in divorce nobody would have the surgery. that's like saying it's a done deal, you'll get divorced when you lose the weight.

now for the real issue. i don't understand how you can get arrested for grabbing her wrist. something's not adding up. i'm not busting your chops at all, last thing i would say or do with all you're going through. i just don't understand how she got away with it. my brother is a lawyer but too far away for you to use, sorry. i hope your kids stay neutral like you say. these things can sour everyone and it sounds like she's not helping the situation. i sure hope she comes to her senses and at least agrees to drop charges and let you get on with your life. wish i could say something more positive other than hang in there and keep coming here for support. good luck......carbonblob

I am a lawyer and I will give you a bit of advice. An extremely common tactic that the police and prosecutors use in criminal cases is to have the alleged victim call or meet the defendant and attempt to get him to admit things while recording the conversation.    Even a conversation that seems fairly innocuous can sound incriminating when played during a trial. I would strongly advise not talking, writing, e-mailing, or internet posting about the alleged incident to anyone except your lawyer when in private.  I would also advise you to not make any attempts to reconcile with your wife until the criminal case is resolved.  If she or your children want to talk about the alleged incident the odds are they are recording the conversation to use it against you. It sounds like this is a case where there is no real evidence except the testimony of you and your wife, make sure you don't provide them any additional evidence to use against you. Even this posting seems unwise as you give details of the alleged incident which can be used against you at trial.  I would also suggest that since your wife is playing hardball you should try to do whatever you can to enhance your position financially.  If at all possible you should consult with a divorce lawyer to try to prevent your wife from stealing the marital assets if there are any.

Well thanks for all  the replies. I will take exit88's advice and go no further about the details.  I will adress the 70 percent divorce bit tho. In the US the divorce rate it about 50%. The added stress of WLS or any major surgery for that matter probably bumps that percentage up another 20%. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. It is realy rough sleding for me now as my family was everything to me. What can I say. thanks.  Tony J.

Wow, Tony...I too am so sorry to hear about your troubles too....but after reading the posts here, I think you've gottten some dang good advice!  One thing I'd like to add tho...that in many cases (at least I think so) a real part of our postOp success in both the "losing" and the "living" arenas -- can be attributed to our spouse. WIthout her, I'd have been lost....she truly is my very best friend and I mean that with all sincerity.... And like my dad used to say, there's more than one fish in the sea.....and by that I mean that once your troubles are over and you do begin again to look around.....you will undoubtedly find a new supporter...... My best to you...hang in Tony...life's a journey..... Jim

Haven't you fellows ever figured it out.  When you get mad at us and yell, shout and grab etc., YOU SCARE THE  HELL OUT OF US.  My best wishes for your wife. As far as you are concerned be honest about this incident if not to others at least to your self.

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