Saturday's Humor.
UPS PILOTS Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS (United Parcel Service) pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Alright so that was a little dry here is one more so you can have something to think on for a while.
THEY WERE IN A MALL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES.
THE FATHER AND SON WERE STROLLING AROUND WHILE THE WIFE SHOPPED.
THEY WERE AMAZED BY ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAW, BUT ESPECIALLY BY TWO SHINY, SILVER WALLS THAT COULD MOVE APART AND THEN SLIDE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
THE BOY ASKED, "PAW, WHAT'S AT?"
THE FATHER (NEVER HAVING SEEN AN ELEVATOR) RESPONDED, "SON I DUNNO, I AIN'T NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I AIN'T GOT NO IDEA WHAT IT IS."
WHILE THE BOY AND HIS FATHER WERE WATCHING WITH AMAZEMENT, A FAT OLD LADY IN A WHEEL CHAIR ROLLED UP TO THE MOVING WALLS AND PRESSED A BUTTON.
THE WALLS OPENED AND THE LADY ROLLED BETWEEN THEM INTO A SMALL ROOM. THE WALLS CLOSED AND THE BOY AND HIS FATHER WATCHED THE SMALL CIRCULAR NUMBER ABOVE THE WALLS LIGHT UP SEQUENTIALLY. THEY CONTINUED TO WATCH UNTIL IT REACHED THE LAST NUMBER.
WHEN THE NUMBERS BEGAN TO LIGHT IN THE REVERSE ORDER, THE WALLS OPENED UP AGAIN AND A GORGEOUS VOLUPTUOUS 24 YEAR-OLD BLONDE WOMAN STEPPED OUT.
THE FATHER, NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF THE YOUNG WOMAN, SAID QUIETLY TO HIS SON,
"BOY......... GO GIT CHA MOMMA"..............
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
Most Active
Recent Topics
