Sunday Humor.
Alright men I apologize for being late I was on the road all day yesterday and slept late recuperating. So lets get this started and we will see if I can still bring a smile to your face. Have a great day. Dan
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good
morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this"? he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good
morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this"? he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in
the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy
bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Pat and I went into town and went into a
shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come
on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Pat called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important
at our age.
Great one Dan. This one really cracked me up at a time when I need a good laugh. Dan
If you have a prayer request whether WLS or personal, please visit our website at www.packardministries.org and click on PRAYER or email me at [email protected]
You will be added to our daily prayers. One of our ministry objectives is to support those having or had WLS. Pastor Dan
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his
Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
And a pair
Of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
Stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy
Out there just
Ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
Running
Boards. What does he think This place is . An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three
Pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up,
And running
Boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a
Mom ent and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
Customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the
Flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well
Gas up!"
Because I am a Man ...
Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
And you probably have my keys, anyway.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man ...
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at
the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be
able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of
holy
communion.
____________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of
me
while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get a s sick as I do, so for you, this is
no
problem.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk
or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it
apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch
TV. I
f the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for
it,
(though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator
instead
(applies to engineers only).
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.
If you insist on asking, I will just make up something, so just don't
ask.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit
us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see
it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . .
then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, it looks
fine.
It does not make your ass look too much bigger.
It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the
housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and
the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to
do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.
Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
And you probably have my keys, anyway.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man ...
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at
the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be
able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of
holy
communion.
____________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of
me
while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get a s sick as I do, so for you, this is
no
problem.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk
or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it
apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch
TV. I
f the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for
it,
(though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator
instead
(applies to engineers only).
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.
If you insist on asking, I will just make up something, so just don't
ask.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit
us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see
it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . .
then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, it looks
fine.
It does not make your ass look too much bigger.
It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
___________________________________________________________________
Because I am a Man ...
and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the
housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and
the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to
do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.
Most Active
Recent Topics
