Need some advice

Hey guys, wanted to get your opinion.  I"m posting this on the "over 50" group too to see what the women say.  My wife and I have been married almost 34 years this July.  We both have struggled with being overweight since we've known each other in high school.  I'm scheduled for RNY surgery next Wednesday.  She's very opposed to the idea of WLS.  She's been to the seminars, we've talked, she's read about it.  Last night she started crying again because she say's I may "die" next week.  All she can remember is the mortality stat.  I explained to her that I am willing to take that chance because I don't want to go through the next phase of our life being tired all the time, out of breath, etc.  I'm just really at a loss.   Anyway, if nothing else thanks for listening!  Bobby - next life, I'm coming back as a monk.

Hey Bobby, I really can't give you any advice, but I can share my experience and empathize with you and your wife. Your wife's anxiety is probably unavoidable. She loves you and the risk of dying from surgery seems much more real and immediate than the more "abstract" and remote risk of dying from obesity related causes--which, of course, can happen at anytime. But we humans block that sort of info out most of the time. And if your wife is seriously obese perhaps she is anxious because on some level because she wants but fears WLS for herself. If she is not seriously obese, she simply may not understand what it is like for those who finally opt for WLS. I suspect that whatever your decision, it will be right because your posting shows that you are not indifferent to your wife's fears and are also clear-headed about what's at stake for you. I backed out the first time I signed on for WLS. Only later did my wife tell me that she would lay in bed next to me wondering if soon she would be sleeping alone (if I died due to WLS). That made me love her even more (and I already loved her a lot). When I finally did go ahead with WLS, she was right by my side the whole way. Anxious but supportive. I couldn't spare her the anxiety and wouldn't have wanted a wife who didn't worry about me. Finding the line between reasonable concern for others and concern for our own legitimate desires and welfare is an ongoing struggle. There's no formula, only good will, paryer or reflection, and acceptance of the fact that life is a crapshoot and that there is no guarantee. Speaking from the other (post) side of WLS, I hope you get to have your surgery and that you and your wife can look back post-op at the pre-surgery jitters as a tough time that brought you closer together. You may not get many responses, but rest assured, there are many of us who have gone through what you are (or are going through it) and who wish we could give you an "answer" or formula. We can't do that, but we can say, "Hang in there, brother. We're all pulling for you and your wife.

Hey Bobby, Doug summed everything up pretty well. I'm just posting to let you know that we're here with you. Those of us happilly married loosers know all too well what you speak of. Just love her, and remember that her fear is most likely coming out of a place of love.--Jake

Bobby,

Fear is a great separator between action and inaction. One of the fears your wife is expressing is that she fears that she may lose you on the operating table or in some other related medical issue. This is overlooking you current state of health and the risks to your health you face due to obesity. But yes, the situation you know is more acceptable that a condition that you will/may face if you have your WLS and is unknown or unfamiliar to you both at this stage.

One of the fears that that is also similar to this known/unknown fear contradiction is the fear of losing you though a physical change, losing you may not be only through a death. Will you be more attractive to others, will you prefer to spend more time exercising or other activities related to the new life you face, and will she be include in this life or will she be left behind? Will there be pressure on her to have WLS or to lose weight in other ways when people begin notices the changes in you and her size and level or health/fitness become more apparent once her common sized mate is no longer deflecting attention away from her?

It has been my observation, that most men fall into a gluten category, and typically eat in large quantities, while women are more emotional eaters or grazers that consume large calories over a long time of day. As a result weight loss for her may be a very different experience for you as it is for her.

My only advice is to try to expand your communication around the idea of WLS, how fearful is she in other areas of her life, and how different does she view herself as an overweight person as you view yourself as an overweight person.

Most fear can be concurred with understanding, if you work on the understanding part of the communication.  The fears tend to work themselves out once they are given a voice.

Good luck,

Herb

Hey Bobby, My wife is not obese, 5'7", weighs 130 or so. It wasn't easy parading around here in my 350 pound body. The cool thing is that my wife loved me just the way I was. When I started to explore WLS, my wife knew why. Your wife also knows the problems you're having that are a result of being obese. We all have/had similar problems as you, to some degree anyway. My wife  did have some concern about the mortality rate. If she didn't, then I would have worried. What I did to minimize that was choose the best surgery for me, and had it performed by the best surgeon in the area. My surgeon has 22 years of experience and has done over 2500 WLS's, of those he only lost two patients. Those two patients were very high risk, I was not. Honestly, I think I was more concerned about my own mortality than my wife. At least it seemed that way going through it. Like the others, my wife stood by me through the entire process, and is still beside me 9 months later. You're situation is a little different in that you guys share a love, maybe even an obsession for food. Your relationship to food will no doubt change dramatically, while hers will stay pretty much the same. She fears that her eating partner will be forever changed, she's right. You guys will be able to eat together again, It will take a little time, but it will happen. As far as the body image goes, you guys have been together for 34 years. Cheating and such should be a non-issue. I think you should take a look at Dx's "Thoughts about Fear" post. I have it on my hard drive, send me a private message with your e-mail and I'll send it to you.  Ronnie 

Thanks guys.  I't s great to have a place to go to and guys to talk with.  You guys rock! Bobby

Bobby its funny what you remember from those seminars, I have been to two of them. The two things I remember adn site occassionaly is......... Obesity takes an average of 14YEARS off your life. Half are higher adn half are less, We only hope we are on ther lower side. I am sure I am on the higher side because of my weight. AND  400K peope die everey year from obesity DOUBLE that of lung Caner and breast cancer combined!!

Another thing I saw on TV the other day is WLS is the ONLY cure for diabetes. Be thankful she loves you enough to care. I read about spouses who leave because their spouse had WLS all the time

Well here's something my Doctor told one of his Patients when that same concern was brought up to him by this Man's Wife, she said "I really don't want him to have the Surgery he could Die" The Doctor's reply "Well if he doesn't have the Surgey he will die"

Rocko~~

Bobby,

Why not let her read all the post's on the mens forum. This way she can read all the positive stories from the guys. Maybe if she can read how happy the guys are that had the surgery it would calm her down a little, it sure couldn't hurt.

best of luck trying to make her understand, hopefully all will work out for the better in the end.

Dan