Sunday Humor!
Because its Sunday thats why.
Just minutes before the church services started the town's people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
Just minutes before the church services started the town's people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
Well now that Sunday is covered lets move on.
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have on good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my a** itches."
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have on good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my a** itches."
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.
I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.
I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we
just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her
and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in
a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Dan.
Thanks Guys this should keep you busy and entertained for at least a few minutes. My wish is that each and everyone of you have a great day today and if we remember to smile even when it is difficult then maybe we can make a positive outcome out of a negative situation. Maintain control at whatever cost.
Totally Committed,
Dan
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