Hump Day Humor!

underthegun
on 4/24/07 3:18 pm - Starke, FL
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking; smartly dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says ... "Hi there good looking ...how's it going?" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!" He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too ... what firm are you with?"
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
underthegun
on 4/24/07 3:27 pm - Starke, FL
I really tried to only post one but then I found this in my stash and just could not refuse. I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Bret Stitzer
on 4/24/07 11:51 pm - Washington Terrace, UT

WOMENS BIKER BAR

BIKER BAR A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

 
wjoegreen
on 4/24/07 11:52 pm - Colonial Heights, VA
Two good ones Dan. Thanks!
underthegun
on 4/25/07 12:04 am - Starke, FL
Well Mr. Green you are quite welcome I was gonna post the story of my Former Boss going to Federal Prison finally but I figured that I would be the only that knew why it was funny.

 Hey Brets I appreciate the help feel free to chime in at any time.
Scott_I
on 4/25/07 2:25 am
I am a lawyer and that is a good one.  Can't wait to tell my lawyer buddies.
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