Sunday Humor.
Good Sunday morning men it is a beautiful day here in North Central Florida the thermometer is sitting on 82 with a very light breeze out of the North East. With a water temp of 76 degrees in the lake out back. So we will start on a nautical theme to day.
Old Sailor An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
Old Sailor An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
Just in case you are coming to visit there are some rules to be followed once you get here.
The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one. (And not your nose!) 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA !!
The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one. (And not your nose!) 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA !!
And finally just because it is Sunday here is something from the good Lord above.
Jake, the rancher, went one day To fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty And the clouds rolled gray and dense. As he pounded the last staples in And gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen, The wind and snow began to blow. When he finally reached his pickup, He felt a heavy heart. From the sound of that ignition, He knew it wouldn't start. So Jake did what most of us Would do if we had been there. He humbly bowed his balding head And sent aloft a prayer. As he turned the key for the last time, He softly cursed his luck. They found him three days later, Frozen stiff in that old truck. Now Jake had been around in life And done his share of roaming. But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked - It looked just like Wyoming! Of all the saints in Heaven, His favorite was St. Peter. (Now, this line ain't needed But it helps with rhyme and meter) So they set and talked a minute or two, Or maybe it was three. Nobody was keepin' score - In Heaven time is free. "I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "That God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, Well, he just plain wasn't there." "Does God answer prayers of some, And ignore the prayers of others? That don't seem exactly square - I know all men are brothers." "Or does he randomly reply, Without good rhyme or reason? Maybe, it's the time of day, The weather or the season." "Now I ain't trying to act smart, It's just the way I feel. And I was wonderin', could you tell me -- What the heck's the deal?" Peter listened very patiently And then when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, And he said, "So, you're the one!!" "That day your truck, it wouldn't start, And you sent your prayer a flying, You gave us all a real bad time, With hundreds of us trying." "A thousand angels rushed, To check the status of your file, But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard From you in quite a long while." "And though all prayers are answered, And God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, And started a truck in Minnesota." BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!
Jake, the rancher, went one day To fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty And the clouds rolled gray and dense. As he pounded the last staples in And gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen, The wind and snow began to blow. When he finally reached his pickup, He felt a heavy heart. From the sound of that ignition, He knew it wouldn't start. So Jake did what most of us Would do if we had been there. He humbly bowed his balding head And sent aloft a prayer. As he turned the key for the last time, He softly cursed his luck. They found him three days later, Frozen stiff in that old truck. Now Jake had been around in life And done his share of roaming. But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked - It looked just like Wyoming! Of all the saints in Heaven, His favorite was St. Peter. (Now, this line ain't needed But it helps with rhyme and meter) So they set and talked a minute or two, Or maybe it was three. Nobody was keepin' score - In Heaven time is free. "I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "That God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, Well, he just plain wasn't there." "Does God answer prayers of some, And ignore the prayers of others? That don't seem exactly square - I know all men are brothers." "Or does he randomly reply, Without good rhyme or reason? Maybe, it's the time of day, The weather or the season." "Now I ain't trying to act smart, It's just the way I feel. And I was wonderin', could you tell me -- What the heck's the deal?" Peter listened very patiently And then when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, And he said, "So, you're the one!!" "That day your truck, it wouldn't start, And you sent your prayer a flying, You gave us all a real bad time, With hundreds of us trying." "A thousand angels rushed, To check the status of your file, But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard From you in quite a long while." "And though all prayers are answered, And God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, And started a truck in Minnesota." BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
Most Active
Recent Topics
