Thursday Humor.

Hey Joe Green this is for you.
Jamaican Sandals A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come in my humble shop!" So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some spayshul sandals I tink you would be liking to buy.. Dey make you wild at the sex." The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do a ting cept try dem on." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on de wrong feets!, you got dem on de wrong feets!".

Police Lines "Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Here is one for the flip side of your last post...... Things not to say to police officers:

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" And some more police lines:

Top 10 Police Comeback Lines 1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal. 2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You". We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary! 3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket. 4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours. 5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive? 6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of Smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation. 7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun. 8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is Extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION. 9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying. 10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Thanks Dan.   I am indeed honored.  I have never heard or seen either the joke or the quotes before and got  good laugh out of both. All I can say to you my friend is: I'm not worthy,.....I'm not worthy

Happy Hour In North Dakota

 

 A cowboy is driving down a back road in North Dakota ... a sign  in front  of a restaurant reads:

 

  Happy Hour Special...  Lobster Tail and Beer

 

   "Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"