Monday Humor

Okay guys I am a little ill this fine morning I posted sundays jokes and then went to the ER.. Nothing quite like spending 15 hours in the ER they say I have pneumonia. Now with that said lets get on to what we are tuned in for.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below. Get your drunk A*S off the merry-go-round!

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw…. .. The husband was terrified, and screamed: "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husbands hand and said "Nope...I'm going to set the shed on fire...You do whatever you have to".

  Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Additional News, Son, I am sorry I didn't send money, I have already sealed the envelope. This new house is strange, we have indoor bathroom and a grill. Now we eat out and go in. The church has decided to buy a new chandelier, what a waste of money, no one knows how to play it and the lighting is so poor you couldn't read the music anyway.

   Nuff said. DD

I thought I was supposed to shoot the kangaroo!?