WEDNESDAY HUMOR

Well I survived another MRI yeserday.  In fact they did not sedate me this time.  The two valiums I took before the test got me thru.  They also used an open MRI this time and that helped some.  I was still as nervous as a virgin on the virg. Should get the results the end of this week. Dan *********************************************************************************************** A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.   He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Ok, that was a keeper. Are the MRIs in prep for the implant stimulator thing or for some other reason??

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

You guys crack me up. Thanks. DD

Dan, I love many of your jokes and I'd love to share them with some of my friends.  Do you get them out of a couple of books?  If so, can you give us the titles?  I'm not trying to supplant your place as our local jokester;  rather, I'd like to share the jokes and be able to see them again and again without having to Google you.

Dan, I haven't tried to Google a member in a long time.  I just found out that things are much different than they were years ago.  All I could find was your name, user name, and member I.D, number.  So, I don't have access to your jokes offsite.  I thought I'd throw this out so that more members would know that their communication are more secure on ObesityHelp.com .

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering. Patient: 'Dddddoctttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?' The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states, "There is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from your penis and freeing free you from this horrible problem." The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as loss of employment, that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up. Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'. The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says, "I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble..."

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed 6 old ladies lying
naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued

on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same

six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got

the best of me & I went inside to talk to the manager. Do you know

there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes & they're having a Yard
sale."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to
go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask


"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says.......


"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

This is a true story...Sad but true... An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!