OT need some advice
today at 1:03PM my fater inlaw finally passed away. Hes been fighting the good fight for the last 10 years and had a crappy quality of life. he was a double amputee, on dialysis, with a bad heart. He was constatntly in adn out of the hospital. Last Friday he went ion for the last time. It sucks for the wife, she was an only child but she understands it was his time. The issue I am having is telling my kids, his only grandkids. he saw them almost everyday and they are used to him go to the hospital for a few weeks them coming home. They are 12 and 5. How do you tell them? should I wait until after school tomorrow so they don't have to deal with at school until Monday, neither will stay home from school thats not an option for them, in their eyes. Its kiiling me becuase I know are going to take it hardand I want to do whats best but this is the 1st death that has been close to them/US. looking for the wiser more experienced voice here Thanx
Troy
I CAN CHANGE, I WILL CHANGE, AND I WILL BE HAPPY WITH WHO I AM.
Hey Dan, Just saw your post. Sorry for your family’s loss. No Wiser input from here, just older… This will take a while to pass. A little less painful each week. Make a conscious effort to talk with your missus and kids about it far more than you would ever think was necessary. Understand that grieving is a process. It comes and goes. Just when you think the wife and kids are back to normal, it will pop up again. Be patient. Everyone grieves differently and the length of time each of us grieves is different. The basic steps of the process are: Shock and Denial, Depression, Anger, Bewilderment, Guilt, Acceptance.
Be careful to avoid saying such things as "It's for the best," or "He's in a better place." While he indeed is in a better place, those things are like saying that they should "just cheer up, that it's not so bad." Their loss is "that bad," grieve with them and honor their grief. Other things that are not helpful: any sentence that starts with the words "at least". "At least he didn't suffer." That is like saying, "look on the bright side" in a situation when there is no bright side.
Along the same lines, avoid the use of the word "Should". Grieving people feel so pressured about what is "proper" and what they "should" do. Don't accidentally add to it. There is no should in grief. Instead, (for your wife) ask her what she wants to do, or what she needs to do. And then encourage her to do it. Validate their feelings. Grieving people are the only ones who know what they really need.
Men tend to want to "Fix" things. That’s what we do for those we love. Resist it. Don't try to "fix" your family. They aren’t broken, they’re just grieving. It’s dam hard to watch someone hurt. You just want to do something to take away the pain. But resist the urge to offer advice and try to fix things. You really can't. And they need to "feel the grief" in order to heal. Just walk with her/them, hold her/them and listen - as often as needed.
Take time. Best Wishes- Dx