OT need some advice

GoingMobile
on 3/1/07 8:24 am - San Dimas, CA

today at 1:03PM my fater inlaw finally passed away. Hes been fighting the good fight for the last 10 years and had a crappy quality of life. he was a double amputee, on dialysis, with a bad heart. He was constatntly in adn out of the hospital. Last Friday he went ion for the last time. It sucks for the wife, she was an only child but she understands it was his time. The issue I am having is telling my kids, his only grandkids. he saw them almost everyday and they are used to him go to the hospital for a few weeks them coming home. They are 12 and 5. How do you tell them? should I wait until after school tomorrow so they don't have to deal with at school until Monday, neither will stay home from school thats not an option for them, in their eyes. Its kiiling me becuase I know are going to take it hardand I want to do whats best but this is the 1st death that has been close to them/US. looking for the wiser more experienced voice here Thanx

FlyHigh
on 3/1/07 8:57 am - San Bruno, CA

RNY on 05/22/06

My son was 9 when his aunt passed away, I was the one to tell him. My advice is not to wait, it won't get easier and in retrospect they might wonder why a delay. I was not quite 3 when my Grandfather died and I remember still the disappointment I felt at not being allowed to go to the funeral because I was judged too young to sit still in church - it is very important to recognize their sadness as just as important and meaningful as that of the adults. Do wait for a time in private, after school is out. You may want to tell them each separately so as to be able to relate it to each in a way appropriate for their ages and personalities, or perhaps together if they will help each other to react and relate and understand. It helps to be open with them about your own grief. Share some stories ("What was the best (or funniest or most surprising or when you were most proud) time you remember with Grandpa?"), and somehow try to make the point that losing someone we love to death is the price we pay for having having had them in our lives at all and that he lived a life long enough and well spent enough to have given birth to their Mom, and therefore made possible their own lives - something I'd bet he was prouder of than anything else related to other of his life's accomplishments. I'm sorry for your loss. My son at that time wrote his aunt a thank you for your life letter, illustrated it with crayon pictures, told her he would miss her. And then we burned it in the open BBQ grill in the backyard and let the smoke carry up the message.

(deactivated member)
on 3/1/07 8:59 am

(deactivated member) has deleted this message.

Troy Field
on 3/1/07 11:11 am - Bunker Hill, WV

RNY on 01/17/07

I would not wait to tell them. I would tell them as soon as possible. It IS going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I would enlist the help of the counselors at school on this one. They are trained to deal with the students who go through these types of life-changing experiences. Hope this helps a bit. Your family will be in the thoughts and prayers of me and my family.

Troy

I CAN CHANGE, I WILL CHANGE, AND I WILL BE HAPPY WITH WHO I AM.

Beam me up Scottie
on 3/1/07 12:32 pm

DS on 02/17/06

I'd tell them, and make them stay home from school. There is no reason to wait, and school (while it is important), is not as important as going through the grieving process of a close family memeber. Scott

abruchis
on 3/1/07 10:46 pm - gainesville, GA

I know I'm reading this late, but my beliefs are that telling the kids is the best thing. Be honest, share your grief with them, and let them share your grief with you, Let them know again and again how much joy they brought to his life, even when things were hellish for him, their visits must have meant the world to him. They sounds like great loving kids, and I hope everythings as good as they can be in the situation.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~ Anatole France

Dx E
on 3/2/07 7:01 am - Northern, MS

RNY on 07/03/03

Hey Dan, Just saw your post. Sorry for your family’s loss. No Wiser input from here, just older… This will take a while to pass. A little less painful each week. Make a conscious effort to talk with your missus and kids about it far more than you would ever think was necessary. Understand that grieving is a process. It comes and goes. Just when you think the wife and kids are back to normal, it will pop up again. Be patient. Everyone grieves differently and the length of time each of us grieves is different. The basic steps of the process are: Shock and Denial, Depression, Anger, Bewilderment, Guilt, Acceptance.

Be careful to avoid saying such things as "It's for the best," or "He's in a better place." While he indeed is in a better place, those things are like saying that they should "just cheer up, that it's not so bad." Their loss is "that bad," grieve with them and honor their grief. Other things that are not helpful: any sentence that starts with the words "at least". "At least he didn't suffer." That is like saying, "look on the bright side" in a situation when there is no bright side.

Along the same lines, avoid the use of the word "Should". Grieving people feel so pressured about what is "proper" and what they "should" do. Don't accidentally add to it. There is no should in grief. Instead, (for your wife) ask her what she wants to do, or what she needs to do. And then encourage her to do it. Validate their feelings. Grieving people are the only ones who know what they really need.

Men tend to want to "Fix" things. That’s what we do for those we love. Resist it. Don't try to "fix" your family. They aren’t broken, they’re just grieving. It’s dam hard to watch someone hurt. You just want to do something to take away the pain. But resist the urge to offer advice and try to fix things. You really can't. And they need to "feel the grief" in order to heal. Just walk with her/them, hold her/them and listen - as often as needed.

Take time. Best Wishes- Dx

GoingMobile
on 3/2/07 10:27 am - San Dimas, CA

VSG on 06/04/08

Called my bro who's a child developemental psychologist and asked his opinion, seeing how is supposed to be a professional at this. We waited until Friday afternoon, the older one seems to be taking hard while the 5yr old cried for about 15 mins and now seems to be over it. I do expect more crying and questions tonight and as the week goes forward. I told them at his house with mom and grandma there for support them me adn the kids went into his room looked around at all his stuff, sat on his bed and cried together, eventually we watched some tv while sitting on his bed, we are over the 1st hurdle I hope. DX you are wise beyond your years, thanx. Thanx guys I am sure I will need again in the future

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