MONDAY HUMOR

I am heading out the door for Idianapolis for my Disc-O-Gram. I am looking forward to that about as much I would an ice cold enema. I figued by the time I get home tonight you will have a chance to go thru this long bit of humor. I am an old fart because I remember all of these things. How about you? Dan *********************************************************** How true this is ! I never thought of my self as "old as dirt" but accordin this I am!!!! "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom. 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16 Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19 Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life. ===== "Senility Prayer"...Grant me... The senility to forget the people I never liked The good fortune to run into the ones that I do And the eyesight to tell the difference." Have a great week!!!!!!

Senility prayer, love it. Good luck today, Dan. Greg

I'm a 16-25. My grandparents lived in a small town in WVa where they kept all of that stuff forever. Some of the stuff I saw my older sisters do/ use, but never actually participated in myself. 20. Packards? Oh yeah they're still on the Men's Board! Dave

Dan, I must be older than dirt! Keep up the great work-and best of luck with the Disc-O -Gram

25 - Older than dirt!! Man... Them were the days.... Semper Fidelis

For the life of me I couldn't tell you what "butch Wax" is, (although I'm curiously aroused just saying it ) but I do remember getting my arm caught up to my armpit in my Grandma's wringer washer as a toddler, because it tickled my fingers when I touched it, and one day it pulled my whole arm in while I was getting my "finger jollies" Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.( I quess I still qualified as a fossil first class).

Older 'n dirt, Dan. I scored a 21. Studebakers reminded me that my dad had 2 or 3 of them behind the garage (none ran of course) but they were fun to play in. Woody

Let us know if you did the Disc-o-gram or the enema,....and how it all came out? I got a 23. Dirt dude, down and dirty,....crochety old fart. I can hardly wait for senility to set in. Did I say that already? Thanks for the humor. Love your material. Hope you get some good news on your back for a change. Prayers are with you. Joe

I'm "Older than Dirt!" At first I thought it was just because I lived in the South my whole life And we were just "Behind the times..." But too many of those I know for it to be just a Southern thing.... Hope you got some hopeful news from the doc..... Or at least some on the way... Best Wishes- Dx

I have to admit it? The whole 25 - and yes, I didn't just know about them, they were part of life. And don't forget the Milk Trucks - that had blocks of ice because they weren't refrigerated. I remember hot summer days in Maine when the milkman would chip off some ice for us kids. Most people I tell that story too don't believe it - they I really feel old!! Hope things went well for you today Dan! Steve