Spouse Support... Is it me?

I am having a terrible time right now with my husband and the views he has on my WLS surgery. His views are questionable since he will not talk to me. He will not talk to me about the surgery, doesn't say good luck when I go to appointments when I come home doesn't ask me how things went. Its just very frustrating. I have learned alot with all the research I have been doing with looking into the surgery and for oddly enough some of my ways of thinking are different. One major problem I am having right now is HIS eating habits. They drive me crazy!! He eats to eat, eats cause he is bored. Last week I bought candy to make goody bags for Shane's friends at school and when I went to get the bag of candy,  Half the ******g bags of candy were half empty if not totally empty! I ******g went after him... I lost it. How ******g dare he. Then he sits there all sad, poor me she yelled at me.  Give me a ******g break! The following night we are eating dinner. I made chicken salad, he had two sandwiches. Then looks to see how much is left. Oh I wanted to make a sandwich for work tomorrow. I said there is plenty here, I was thinking about doing the same thing. He says well you go ahead. So I made two sandwiches, One for me put it in a Ziploc and one for him and when I was cutting it getting it ready to put his in a Ziploc he was ******g salivating over it! I said well since your drooling why don't you eat it now. He says ok. And had a third ******g sandwich! I physically had to get up and remove myself from the room. THEN, the following night, I made meatballs and sausages with spaghetti. Now before I get into this, he signed up for the gym. For the first 3 weeks he was going every day! I was proud of him... Then lately hes has been slacking. Thursday he was suppose to take Shane to a Halloween party at Karate. He said well I was going to go to the gym... So that morning I said are you going to the gym he says no i thought you wanted me to go to take Shane to the party. I said you know what I took him into Boston Sunday he had a party at gymnastics on Saturday he had a party Thursday at preschool he doesn't need another party its not a big deal. Fast forward to Thursday night, I come home we are eating spaghetti and meatballs and I asked how was the gym. He says I didn't go. I asked him why. He says you wanted me to take Shane to the party. I said oh well did you? He says umm no. I said then why couldn't you have gone to the gym he says well umm i don't know. So i go on and on about the gym and how i knew this was going to happen and if he is going to waste the membership then I am going to cancel it blah blah blah. He says I will go tomorrow, I said your full of **** its Halloween and your going trick or treating with your son. So in the meantime Shane asks when Iam done can I have more? I said no you've had enough. Well daddy had more. I said just because daddy eats like a hoover vacuum doesn't mean you need to and NO you've had enough. I no sooner get a phone call and go to answer it and come back to the table he is scooping 2 more sausages and a ******g meatball to his ******g plate. HELLO DO YOU NOT ******G GET IT....... WE HAVE A PROBLEM. Again I looked at him and said you know what after all that ranting and raving you still continue to stuff your face. I got up and once again left the room.

I am having a really hard time with all this. I want to be successful with my WLS operation. I can't not help but feel let down t hat the one person I feel should be there is not... Or is physically and stuffing his face.

Does anyone have any suggestions... or is it just me?

Thanks so much!!!

hi,

I'm sorry you are not getting support from the one you need the most support from. I see several issues here:

Things you can't control:
You and your husband got to this point because of some bad choices and habits. You are ready to make changes for you. He is not ready to make those changes. He may never be ready. Pushing him will only do more harm.

Things you can control:
You apparently are the cook in the family. You control what goes on the table. Don't serve meals family style. Dish out the plates and put them on the table. Put good choices on the table - things like salad and vegetables. Start a meal with a cup of soup. Put leftovers right in the freezer. Start doing physically active thinngs as a family. Go for hikes or bike rides on the weekend. Ask your husband to go to the gym with you. Try to be a partner instead of an adversary. Be kind to him, especially in front of your son.

Use this forum.

Jayne

 

we all need the "religion" before we can committ to losing weight. He just doesn't have it.
My husband will often have big eyes for my leftovers in restaurants, etc. I am thinking...hey I can get another meal or 2 out of this but not after he is finished. Or, I buy turkey meat at the deli..he will leave me one piece.   Once I asked him to pick some up when he was going to the store..he said..it's not on sale this week. I told him...it wasn't on sale last week when he finished my turkey!
My point....you can change yourself..you can't change him.  I have to be very specific (and repeat it back..ADD I think) to make sure he knows if he needs to chase the kids.  He doesn't offer so I need to advocate for myself and for the kids.  It is just his way...can't seem to change it so I just need to deal differently with it.

I think you should take care of yourself, tupperware some food away for yourself, and make sure you put yourself first.  It's not being selfish.  It's a matter of your life/health.  

Joan

i'm preparing for a similar problem.  I'm chosing to address my eating issues - that does not mean that my partner has chosen to deal with his - or mine.  i do not control what he puts into his mouth, and besides what meals we cook together, i cannot plan to.  Yes, if he eats something that is YOURS you should ask him to replace it, but while it may not disgust us how people shove food into their mouths without considering the consequences - many of us were JUST LIKE THEM. 

I agree with what has already been said here. I would ask you to look at what you can control. Your husband is clearly not one of the things you can control.  I want to highlight two points.

First you are the cook you get to choose what is served or not served. Serve what you need for your health. If they do not like it tough they can fend for themselves and hurt themselves as they wish.  In my house I am the cook and I chose. If I can not eat it AND I can not keep myself from eating it if it is not good for me I do NOT cook it. In the beginning I found myself buying and cooking what I wished I could eat just so I could watch them. It led to bad consequences. I had to change my frame of reference. Think only about me and what is healthy to eat. I really like the idea of packing up the left overs before the meal is eaten.

Second before I had surgery I laid down a few rules. My partner could eat anything she wanted but that she could not bring it into the house or eat it when I was home if it was not on my approved eating list. Second that I would not be going out to pick up takeout for her that I could not eat. McD's was OUT. Think of some of your own rules and make sure they know what will not be OK post surgery and stick to your guns.

This is a time to be selfish. Your whole well being is counting on it. And if you are not there what are they going to do. Set your own example for your son. He will see. He will remember even if he can not control his own eating right now. He will see that mom took control of her own life and made a change and that change is possible. He will see how it opens up the whole world to you.

I agree with all the previous comments -- just want to add that ultimately, this journey (WLS) is one you make solo.  Whatever other people think or do, you will make your own choices and be responsible for your own success or failure.  If you were counting on your husband to support you and be your partner in it, you were wrong --  it sounds like he is definately not there!  My significant other is somewhat supportive (was in favor of the surgery and all that good stuff) - but doesn't seem to get that I would like a lot of positive reinforcement (compliments).  He is stuck on being "honest" --  will say things like "it's getting better" or point out that I might need cosmetic surgery later for the sagging skin.  (Not what I'd like to hear from him!)  So, you just accept that everybody's got their "issues" -- plan on doing this on your own - don't count on support from anyone - If you get it, you can be pleasantly surprised!  Use your support groups and this forum -- you will get the most and best support from those who have gone through it.  Good luck, and stay strong!!