Very Sad

I am very sad today and I need a little help. I went to get my date today and thought I would be posting that instead of this. My surgeon is very concerned about the fact that I do not have family support on my decision for this surgery and said that she would like to meet with them before we go ahead with the surgery. I know that they will never come around and I was wondering if anyone has gone through the lack of support from family. I do have the support of my fiance zand his family but not mine. I am having a real hard time trying to decide if I want to do this without their support or just forget it. I know that I am doing it for me and I am an adult but my family is very important to me and I want the to support me in this life changing decision.

Mary, I'm not sure how your family is but here's how mine works. First we are a large family of Italian decent. When I say large I mean it in every sense of the word. I can't really think of anyone on either my mom or dads side that isn't on some kind of diet right now.... Jenny Criag, Weigh****chers (Family favoirite), Atkins (yup... they still keep going back to this one), South Beach... you name it they are on it. Along with these diets come many illnesses which in one way or another lead them to the diet. Diabetes, High blood pressure, high cholestorol and so on. When I spoke to my husband about this surgery last year he was not in agreement that I should have it. He was very concerned about the risks but over the past year he has seen what my weight has done to me and how very sad I get because of it. I never mentioned having this surgery to my parents until this year after I was approved and had a date. When I approached my parents with my decision I simply said... I'm 35 years old and I don't want to end up like everyone in the family. I don't want to compare how many pills I need to take everyday or how many shots I have to get to make me feel well, or what diet I'm on this week. In my heart I know this is not me.... My weight has kept me from doing so many things and it's really unhealthy for me to live like this. I explained that it was my choice and that up until now I felt helpless to food....but I didn't want to feel helpless my whole life. I let them know that my husband and I as well as my PCP have talked about WLS for over a year and this was the best choice I have to living a healthy life. Then.... not a word. I didn't hear one peep from either of them. If you only knew my highly opinionated family you would understand that this never happens. They are never speechless. It took a few weeks for anyone to mention WLS again. Then it hit. During a trip with my mother she mentioned that this was a very bad idea and rampled on about how she thought that I shouldn't do it but should go on Jenny Craig just like she did. I stopped her right then and there. I let her know it wasn't her decision. I told her I was proud of her for sticking to Jenny Craig but that wasn't going to work for me just like the many other diets didn't work for me. Once we had this heart to heart she just stopped being negative about it. People have no idea how it is to be trapped in your body. You have to make the decision for yourself and no one else. You will get the support you need. People will support you if you give them no other choice. You make the decision, be firm about it. Educate them about it. They won't stop loving you because you didn't make their decision your decision.

I ceratinly understand when I first mentioned it to my Mom that I was thinking about it her response was "NO" that's it so I let it drop for awhile. I wasn't even sure I was going to tell her that I was definitely doing it. I had suuport from some of my siblings (the ones that mattered) the others didn't say much. It was something I had to do for me and no one else. Then one night I was having a conversation w/ my mom about just that people needing to do things for themselves and I piped up and sid by the way this is something I need to do for me and my health. She finally understood I explained all the research I had done, that it wasn't a decision I made lightly that in fact I had been researching it for 3 years. It needs to be about you, explain your reasons why, give them info and let them know that although they may not agree w/ you that you would really like their support in your decision. My Mom was still nervous but I think the fact that my family was more nervous about my weight and the fact that I was finally taking it into my own hands helped them to realize I was making the best decision for me. I have a problem w/ always trying to gain my family's approval but for once I didn't care they live 220 miles away and my hubby would be taking care of me (although mom offered-no thanks to small of an apt hehe) Good luck to you Gwen

People that only know the risks and bad press that WLS has had will have a difficult time supporting this. I was one of the that was uneducated and thought it was ridiculus for anyone to take such a risk with their life. Well I was completely wrong and my PCP provide it to me more than a year ago. I knew my family would have a difficult time with this so when I set up my appointment with the surgeon, I invited my mom to come with me and to bring all her questions with her. Let me tell you, she walked out of there being one of the biggest supports for this surgery. My daughter has seen my surgeon a few times and she has also attended a couple of group meetings with me. Your family may be unsupportive right now but give them the chance to ask the questions of your surgeon and feel safe and security in your decision. They love you and are only worried for you. Good luck. Lorraine

Mary, I, too, have an unsupportive family. Or at least unsupportive parents. I'm 37, all grown up, and yet their approval and support still means so much. Mom thinks it's a bad idea because it's unsafe (most people who know nothing about WLS think it's unsafe). I actually told her via EMAIL that I was looking into this. I have sent her emails forwarding articles and other info on WLS over the past month or so and even invited her to a meeting which she couldn't go to because she was taking care of my father after his cataract surgery. I don't know if she told my father or not but I am not expecting him to be supportive at all - it would be so unlike him. I told my sister and asked her to go to an introductory meeting with me. She isn't wild about the idea but said she felt much better about the risks after having attended the meeting. She told me that she and her hubby will support me, bring me to the hospital, take care of me at their place, etc and to not worry about my parents. It sounds like you have the same support with your fiance and his family. I would tell your surgeon that as long as you have SOMEBODY to lean on, your family should not be an issue. I posted something similar to your post a month or two ago on the main board and asked if it was possible to go through this alone, without support. Many people responded that it was possible and that they had done it alone. It would be wonderful if my whole family was on the same page but that just isn't going to happen. Once I got past that I started to feel a lot better about everything. I hope this helps you and please email me if you want to chat. I have 3 more weeks til my consultation w/my surgeon and I am hoping that she will not feel the way your surgeon does! Keep in touch. Kathleen

hi Mary, I went through the same issue you are with family not approving of surgery. When I decided to have surgery I went to the support group meetings and met with the Doctor before mentioning it to anyone in my family (including my bf). After my first appt. I decided to tell my mother... The minute I told her she said.. PLEASE DONT!! We talked about surgery, the steps they take to make sure I'm healthy enough to have it done (stress test, ekg, ecco, chest xray, blood work, psych eval, going to support group meetings, nutrition appts, etc, etc). She was still against it.. All week when I would talk to her on the phone she would say.. will you consider weigh****chers? will you consider atkins, south beach, the gym, curves... She knew I've tried all those in the past and on Atkins/south beach I lost 60lbs in 9 months. She mentioned that, then I mentioned to her over the past 3 years I've gained the 60 back. She then told my aunt what I was planning on doing. She too had the same thoughts as my mom. Every time I'd see one of them they would say the same thing... Consider diets, gym, nutritionists (they both even said they would go to weigh****chers with me and pay thats how much they wanted me to change my mind!)... After hearing this for a month I called my mom and said I'm taking you somewhere tonight be ready at 5. I picked her up, didn't tell her where we were going until we were there... I took her to a support group. We got there and the room was packed with people, most wanting surgery and a few who have had surgery.. The meeting was about "journal writing". It started off with the nutritionist talking about how important logging food each day was to dieting. My mom looked over at me and says... see, you can do that at weigh****chers..... The meeting went on and the nutritionist asked... how many post-ops still jornal when they feel like they're getting off track? Up goes the hand of a lady sitting about 5 feet from us.. Young, petite and SKINNY! I looked at my mom and said see her?? she had surgery!! My mothers face was like this the rest of the meeting and kept looking at this woman. I knew I had to have her talk to my mom. At the end of the meeting, I went over to her and asked her about surgery. She told me she was 265 before surgery and is now 128 she went from a 26/28 to a size 8 (almost my weight and size at the time). My mother started asking questions about surgery and why she decided to have it instead of dieting. The lady said I've dieted so many times that even after losing 40, 60 even 80lbs one time I knew once I lost it, I'd eventually gain it back and I did! My mom said how nervous she was about surgery and she kept telling my mom its going to be ok.. It wasn't long after that when my mom would ask my progress with the post-op requirements or when my next appt was.. Of course she was nervous the day of surgery, when people hear about surgery they only hear the negative or they hear of deaths on the news. Nothing about how it helps people with co-morbidities, feeling healthier or the weight loss! Now that I'm almost 7 months out I can tell you she calls every sunday to find out how much I've lost for the week! I take pictures monthly of my progress and once the pictures are in my little photo book, she stops by to pick it up to show everyone at work how well I'm doing.. And my aunt? her favorite line now is "hi skinny minny, you're doing so well" Surgery was perfect, I went in Monday, came home Wednesday and by Saturday I felt like I hadn't had surgery (felt that good)! Usually doctors like when family come in because it changes their thoughts of surgery. If it helps or doesn't maybe taking them to a few meetings so they can hear other post op stories will! good luck!

Stylz, What a great story! Thanks for sharing. Hopefully my mom will come around too! Kathleen

My mom (who happens to be a professional dieter) freaked out when I first told her that I was thinking about it. It was the first decision in my life that my mom ever disagreed with me on.. she has always been my number one cheerleader in everything that I do.. I couldn't have that!! My parents live in California.. so I decided to mail them a book about WLS.. told my mom in a letter to call me when she was done reading the book to talk. Thankfully this did the trick.. she has been my number one supporter (tied with my hubby) since. She actually reads this website on a daily basis and is a huge supporter of WLS in general.. they should let her do commercials.. hehe My whole family lives in California.. so regardless of their support.. they couldn't be here for the surgery. I basically relied on my fiance (now DH) and best friend for everything and was fine. In fact.. having too many people doating all over me right after WLS would of probably just annoyed me.. hehe I think it's absolutely odd that they want to meet your family.. it's not really fair to you.. just another added pressure.. blahh to that. If you are close to your family and absolutely need their support.. you can make it happen.. even if it's a agree to disagree situation. Your fiance and his family will suffice as far as support goes and it will probably bring you all closer together. Hope this helped April R

Mary, Sorry to hear that your family doesn't support your decision but I agree with the other posters that it is most likely fear for your safety (funny how nobody fears the fat that's killing us!) However, your doctor's attitude is strange to me. You are a grown woman who is in charge of her health decisions and as such, really doesn't REQUIRE anyone else's support. This is not a procedure that is going to make you an invalid - you dont need anyone to help you bathe, get around, etc. I say keep working on your family but have a heart-to-heart with your doctor and say "This is MY decision and I'm ready!" And if he/she still wont go forward without your family's "permission" - I'd get another doc! Best of Luck!