I feel so alone...

I had my gastric bypass on May 6th of last year. I'm almost a year out and I've lost over 116 pounds. I look great, I feel much better overall, except for some stomach pains from time to time and feeling sick. My problem is that my husband, who always tells me, and has always told me, how beautiful, perfect and wonderful I am, cheats on me. He just graduated from putting himself out on Adult Friend Finder (he's done that since day 1) to actually sleeping with a woman this week. I'm so hurt and confused that I feel so lost and alone. He's been in therapy for sexual addiction for the 9 months, and on and off since we got married and I found out what he was doing...but he had stopped going because of his job. He's away all week instead of a few days a week now. He's always been dear to me and treated me like a queen always and to this day, no matter my size, but now, I'm tiny. I look much smaller than my weight and I'm not hard on the eyes, although I'm no model. I sag a little bit, but the biggest change has been in my breasts and as I looked at his laptop tonight (which I took away from him when I found out...the computer has always been his downfall), it's full of pictures of large women, and the ones he always goes for are incredibly ugly and ugly and sleezy in spirit. We've always had a great sex life, but something has always sent him searching, although he swears he loves me more than I could ever love him. He's going back into therapy and he's given up all access to his laptop, but I feel so sick inside. I feel that no matter what I do or what I did to change, I will never ever be good enough. I know it's his problem. I know that other men are interested in me, there always have been a few, but now there's many more, but I feel so ugly and old. I've always been faithful, I've always done my best to make him feel special, I forgiven so many things that I probably shouldn't have. I've been a good best friend , wife and lover. I've been the best that I knew how to be, but now, I feel so worthless, even though I know it is he who is the worthless one. Do I forgive again? We're back in counseling. I do love him dearly. There are 2 sides to him. One is so giving, always putting me first and making a huge fuss over me, always making me feel special, adored and loved. And then there's this dark side that is always in secret. The 2 go hand in hand and I do believe that he loves me but he's very sick. I feel like I'm being sucked down into this insanity with him. Even my dear friends from my church support group (their husband's are sex addicts too) aren't enough to keep my mind from wandering back into this miserable darkness I feel that I am in. The smaller I get, the worse he gets. When I was big, I used to find pictures of smaller women on his laptop, but now they're all big. I can't go back and I have no want or intention to. I just don't understand what is so wrong with me that this keeps happening and finally to this level, where he was actually compelled enough to sleep with a woman. And you know what? She was huge, much bigger than I ever was, she had a mustache for God's sake, smoked (which he hates), swore like a sailor (which he also hates), and was the epitome of the word trash in every sense of the word. She was horribly ugly...shockingly so. I'm really confused! She's been with lots of men, so many that she says she had just been tested for STD's after the one before my husband. Great! Now we both have to be tested, although my husband has almost completely stopped wanting to be with me. He swears it was because of his vasectomy he got in October; that he lost his drive, but I'm sure it's me. Is there anyone else out there living this hell? Is there anyone who has some ideas on how to break this hold he has on my heart? He's a good man other than this beast that lives in him and comes out every few months. I've prayed for years that God would take my love for him from me, but it's still there. I even started to put my profile online tonight on a dating site, but halfway through, I stopped. I just want to be loved for who I am, not how small I am, not how big I was, or what size my breasts are or was. I'm not mean, cruel or hateful. I'm smart, I love to laugh, from what people tell me, I'm fun to be with and I love to sing my praises to the Lord with all the passion in my heart. God has been so good to me despite this mess. He's saved me from so much, I just wish he'd take me out of this pain. I wish He'd give me the most incredible miracle and that would be to make my husband whole and take this cancer from his heart. I want the wonderful marriage we should have. Not what people think we have. From the outside, we seem very loving, and actually we are, but they don't know my secret pain and shame. They don't know how broken I am inside and how ashamed I feel when I find out what he's done each time. I don't want the kids to get hurt. I was married before to a real jerk and my husband has been so good to these kids. They adore him and he's their real dad in their eyes. I don't want them to ever know about this other side. I don't want them to lose faith in fathers and men in general because of this and I'm afraid that's what would happen. In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm so conflicted, so terribly, terribly wounded, hurt and confused. I guess I just need to talk to someone who has been through this massive change too. I've literally lost a whole person in size. I've gone from a 22x to an 8. I guess somewhere, I not only lost that extra person, but myself. Whoever reads this...will you do me a favor and remember me and my family in your prayers? I would really and truly appreciate it. No words can express how much. Thank you.

You haven't had an answer to your post yet and it has been awhile. This is such a personal subject....I know because i have been there. I always felt that my ex picked someone that he really didn't like as a sex partner because he really didn't want to be in love with her.....he just wanted to get a rise out of me and I just got tired of playing the forgiving games. It got old and I had to move on because life is too short to be doing this. You say you love him but Why?????? Do you feel that you need to be hurt and always confused???? You can do so much better. You have lost so much weight and you have to learn to love yourself. You can do so much better for yourself. You need some healing time....time to get to know your new self. Even if you just want to give the two of you a break from the relationship.....let him realize you don't need him with all his faults. I did this six years ago and I am happy just being me and I haven't even had surgery yet (not til Aug 21st of this year). Give it a try...you may be surprised. Cathy