Husband Needs Help

Hi,

I am a concerned husband hoping to get a few tips on how to best support my wife.

My wife was banded about a year ago, and she hasn't enjoyed the success she was hoping for. She did lose some weight initially on a mostly liquid diet, but the transition to harder foods has been tough for her, to say the least. She throws up often, seemingly at every meal we eat together. We are actually separated, which I only include as a detail because it means I don't get to see her every day, so my observations related to her band/eating are based on eating with her a few times a week.

What is so odd to me about her eating habits is that she is NOT throwing up due to overeating. She learned that lesson quickly after surgery, that overeating would lead to throwing up. But what she can't seem to grasp is HOW and WHAT to eat. I see it time and time again... we begin eating and within the first several bites of food she has to excuse herself to throw up. It is to the point now where it's truly a normalized "maintenance" type behavior. I think her biggest problems are that she takes too big of bites, doesn't take long enough to chew, and goes back for the next bite immediately after swallowing the last.

My wife loves food, and also has some deep emotional issues connected to parental control of her food from childhood. To put it simply, her parents used to restrict her food intake and basically fat shamed her even though she was at a perfectly healthy weight. I suppose in some way, having "control" over her food as an adult has contributed to some sort of rebellion against her parents or at least a regained control of her diet. The lap band has complicated this "food control" mindset very much, and she can't seem to understand the lack of control she has over food. The only thing she understands is that she can't overeat. But she eats quickly, lubricates healthy foods with unhealthy dressings and oils, drinks unhealthy liquid calories, etc.

Because of the emotional issues related to parental control of food, I don't know how to help. I don't want my wife to connect me with fat shaming or that I am judging her by giving her advice. To me, the advice out there regarding eating with lap band is simple and straightforward. Take small bites, chew thoroughly, don't drink water with your meal, if you throw up don't eat anymore for 12-24 hrs, and the list goes on...

I can try to understand and empathize with my wife all day long, but the truth is I simply don't have the same emotional issues related to food as she does. Please, if you are a woman who has struggled with emotional eating or mindless eating, I would love some advice on how to best support my wife. Occasionally she mentions going back to the lap band center to talk to the surgeon (she's scared they will recommend loosening the band that will then cause her to overeat) and dietician. At this point I always piggyback on her thoughts, especially the need to talk to a dietician because I think regardless of how tight/loose her band is, she needs to learn proper eating habits the most.

Please let me know if you have any advice for how I should approach supporting my wife. Thanks.

She is lucky to have people concerned enough to ask for help on her behalf.

As you clearly show you know, banding can't help psychological issues. And those are probably the root cause of her dysfunctional eating patterns,

You say she is scared to go back to her surgeon in case he takes fluid out. Maybe you could point out to she that if she continues to eat too fast and bring food back up regularly, she is going to end up back with her doctor having her band removed.  We can't avoid band complications if they are coming our way, but we can minimise risk.  The way she is eating is a high risk strategy. 

It is important not to rely on the band to phsyically stop you eating. That is not how it works. If she is physically relying on that, she is eating too fast and retaining food above the band which risks damage to the oesophagus. 

I have no easy answer to helping her make the right choices of healthy food. Has she tried counselling?

You are very sweet to want to help but until she realizes that she must get into counceling before she will ever get a grip on her eating disorder. Sounds like she is bulimic and band induced bulimia is a real issue for many banded people. No surgery will help a mental health disorder. Maybe an intervention with other friends and family would help but even then there is no guarantee. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Like Kate said if she continues she will indeed lose her band and then what? Another surgery that will fail because she hasn't dealt with her issues?You can only do so much then it is up to her.

Thanks for both of your replies.  I haven't been able to check the board in the last few days.

You're both right.  There are some underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed in order for her to eat healthy.  What makes this so difficult is she will not get the help on her own.  And if I were to suggest this, she would view me as someone who's trying to control her.  Much like her parents.  So unfortunately there's not much for me to do I suppose. 

Thank you anyway for listening and taking the time to reply.

You are so right.  You can't be the one to tell her this as she will feel that way.

But, please check out the failed band group here, join and read all the stories.  Hers may be their (most people find others that had the same thing happen.)