Hard post to write.

Hi all, 

So, I got my lap band when I was 18, about 4 years ago this August. I don't know whether I was too young or whether it was simply that I was not in the correct mindset, but I do not think I was ready. I followed the diet correctly for a few months, but then I started to abuse the band. I fell back into my old habits, as should have been expected. I used it to dump foods that I shouldn't  have eaten, and at one point I tightened it to the point that I couldn't even drink water. I lost over 15 pounds in that one week, but I was feeling weak and freezing like I was about to die. Really stupid, and I am really ashamed. I went back to the doctor and told him that it was so tight I couldn't even drink thin liquids, and he said I should open it all the way to ease the swelling. I began to gain weight back immediately and was then ashamed to return to the doctor. That was about a year or two ago... With the stress of graduate school and a million other tiny stressors and my reliance on food for comfort, needless to say I have now gained just about all the weight back that I lost. It is probably one of the most painful things to admit, because I feel like a failure. 

 I know that I need to return the doctor, but I'm still embarrassed. However, I feel I am finally ready to give the band the respect it deserves. I have actually even seen a regular therapist to work on my toxic relationship with food, and I now feel I am in the right mindset to move forward in a healthy way. 

I'm writing this post now because I feel like I desperately need support from those who either have been through a similar situation or just understand. I'm not looking for any sort of negativity, because believe me, I have beat myself up about this for way too long now. 

Thanks

I totally understand what you are going through.  I don't think I was ready for the band either.  I did loose all my excess weight but spent a lot of time either too tight or really hungry.  Anyway, kept the weight off about a year, during which I had 2 unfills.  Wanted to be able to eat a solid breakfast and pasta, bread et... once in a while.  Well, I was able to eat whatever I wanted, in whatever quantities.  I told myself this would be ok, once in a while.  Well, that just didn't work for me.  I gained back about half the weight I lost, like you I find it hard to admit.  I am so angry with myself, and ashamed too.  So far, this has been a really good week, not perfect but much much better than I have been doing.  I have worked out lots and eating well.  I hope I am really ready to do this again.  Think about getting a fill but 2 things stop me.  One is that I am embarrassed to go in with all the weight I gained and also, feel like the band wasn't the tool I hoped it would be.  Like I said, I spend a majority of the time either too tight or very hungry, especially in the afternoon.  Just know you are not alone!  Good luck!

Hi Kerri, 

I often wonder sometimes if they truly prepare us mentally for the road ahead of us in controlling our eating habits.  Do not be ashamed of gaining the weight back. When the doctor took away your restriction, he took away your ability to control your appetite.  Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and head right back to that doctors office and just explain to him exactly what you said here and if he doesnt understand, then so be it, but dont let him discourage you.  I dont think you will have any problems though.  Good luck and blessing.

 

Theresa

First I want to give you a big hug,  the truth will set you free! Face it,it's tough losing weight, never feel ashamed, obesity is a disease that we struggle with and we can only take it one day at a time.

There are no magic weight loss tools out there that can make the weight disappear, if it was I would be first in-line to get it, we have to work our tools and it will be a daily struggle, but it's definately doable.

You are moving in the right direction by calling out for help and we are here to support you, no judgments from me, I've been where you are, been too tight, paid the price, etc.

You are very pretty and young and have your whole life ahead of you so take a deep breath. First you need to face your surgeon, believe it or not they are there to help you, and will not judge you if you fell off the wagon, if you were a perfect patient and did not struggle you would not need weight loss surgery or your surgeon in the first place.

So be honest with him and yourself and tell him that you need help, and you need your band to work properly, one good thing about the band is that you can always go back get your band filled and get back on track

You can do this and we are here to support and guide you all the way

This is your step towards success. Put the past behind you & move forward. I'm a year & a half out now. I have lost 65 lbs...slow but steady. I feel off the band wagon & gained 8 lbs...I know it doesn't seem like a lot to gain but I felt it in my clothes. I decided that going back to the old me was not an option. I didn't go back to my dr for a fill because I'm at a good spot. I prayed about it and I'm now down 12 pounds and have 25 more to reach goal. You can rededicate yourself & do the same. If your Dr doesn't support you on your success or challenges...move on to another one!

God bless you & start your journey today!

Kerri,

I don't know you, but I'm very proud of you for coming here and writing with such honesty.  Many of us have grown up feeling shame when we don't do well at something, especially when it's something so emotional and painful as our struggle with weight loss.  But most of us have slid off the wagon more than once and have had our share of struggles no matter what surgery we've had.  You sound ready to get back on track and therapy is key to understanding the why behind our issues with food.

Remember this...you have paid your surgeon for his professional services.  He is a doctor, not your mother, father, sister, brother.  He can't "make" you feel bad.  Only we do that to ourselves.  If he is insensitive, remember that most surgeons are very direct and to the point.  He's not trying to hurt you, but the truth often hurts.  Do go in expecting sympathy or understanding.  You paid him to perform the surgery not for emotional support.  My surgeon is a great guy and wonderful surgeon but he's very blunt and I know I'd be setting myself up for disappointment if I expected him to tell me it's o.k. when I've stumbled.  It's just not his style.  You're paying him for a service and as long as he takes care of you medically, he's doing his job.  In my experience most doctor's don't have great bedside manner.

You already know what's been going on and like you said, nobody is harder on us than we are on ourselves.  Allow yourself a little grace.  The past is the past and what you do going forward is what counts.  

I hope he gives you an upper GI to check your pouch.  Mine was very dilated even though I was emptied for a year.  I pushed the limits to the point that I had to have my band removed on May 6th.  Yes, I'm scared but there came a point when I knew what I was doing and the effects of my over eating and pb'ing too often caused terrible issues with reflux and greatly compromised the gastro/esophageal junction so the flap that opens and closes to keep bile (and food) down no long works properly.  Having no band is better than suffering the reflux, night cough, etc. and I had to make the choice for my health's sake.  That IS what it's all about, after all.  I may or may not revise down the road, but right now I'm focused on healing.  Lucky for me I lost 100+ lbs and have only gained back 25 but I still plan on finishing this journey, with or without surgery.

Keep us posted.  It sounds like you are in a good place and I bet your doctor will admire the fact that you have admitted your part in this and how strong you are to keep trying!  

Blessings and Grace, 

Lisa O.

Like Lisa said you need to make sure you don't have any permanent damage.  The upper GI doesn't always show but, the scope does.  If every thing looks good than get filled but, don't over fill, that is NEVER ok.  You should never be so tight you can do liquids only.

Good job on getting to a therapist to get the issues figured out.  Good luck!

Thank you all SO MUCH! Hearing everyone has really sincerely helped. I actually JUST called the surgeon and made an appointment for a check-up because of everything everyone has said. This kind of support is really what I needed to swallow my shame, take the step and make the appointment. I appreciate it so so much I can't even say! It's nice knowing I'm not alone and that I can always rely on the amazing people here for support. 

Awsome!  I am glad you reached out for support and got it.  Hope you have a great checkup.