Xpost: Perspective on my obesity

I'm working on a photo book for my and my husband's 15th anniversary that is later this month, and I (obviously) coming across pics from when I was really, really heavy. And it's weird: I look happy in almost all of them.

I knew, of course, that I was fat, heavy, overweight, obese, whatever term you choose, but it never really bothered me at the time. And let's not forget that people in general and society as a whole dearly love to make sure that we never forget that we're fat.

I was bothered by the fact that I felt like crap all the time, and that I was unhealthy and that buying clothes was a traumatic pain in the ass. But it wasn't THAT big of a day-to-day issue weighing on my mind (pun intended.)  I may not have been happy with it, but I had made peace, of a sort, with it.

When I look at these pics now, I can't even remember who that woman was, and why she allowed herself to get so jaw-droppingly big. And what a mixed bag of emotions that brings out in me: sadness, guilt, astonishment, regret, anger, a bit of nausea even. Looking at these pics also remind me of how far I've come. How, no matter if I still would like to lose ten/twenty/thirty pounds, there is such a huge difference between where I was and where I am now.

 

 

 

(((Bette)))
It's your contagious spirit and personality that comes through! That is a gift!
I get what you mean though, I sometimes felt I had to make fun of myself first, so no one could do it to me first and hurt my feelings . I would beat them to the "punch". It was my protection.
I look at those pictures of myself and just feel the hurt and pain. From what I don't quite know. I am still trying to figure that out. I didn't want people to think I was dumb or lazy!
Thanks for sharing, it struck a cord, that needed striking!!!!
Prek3

I agree! Having a great outlook on life and confidence in yourself is wonderful. I felt the same way and was happy while overweight until the physical pain started settling in.

You are a great role model and glad you continue to share you advise and experiences with all of us.

Also, congrats on your wedding anniversary!

Ah Bette,

Once again you have done it. You have described much of what I have been thinking lately. I, too, look happy in pics, what I can find of them. What was going on inside was very different, though. It was shame I remember the most. The avoidance of going into groups, of trying to find something to wear that was at least a bit flattering, hoping no one noticed I was fat, and wearing shaping garments so tight I got horrible stomach and back aches. Then there was once again the shame.

I totally relate to cracking the jokes at my own expense. Like you, I thought if I went there first people would know that I already knew about my obesity and therefore would forget about it themselves??? It was my physical health that first prompted my seeking wls but the internal pain was far worse. I want to cry when I see pics of myself and know how bad I felt about myself even before I was very obese. Yes, it was shame that I remember the most. The fear of that shame returning is what drove me to get a sleeve when I was forced to lose my band. During my difficult recovery it was a part of what kept me going ( that and I didn't have a choice, lol).

I ache when I see someone who is obese, knowing that even if they seem to be at peace with it there is a chance that they are experiencing the same feelings. I just want to give them hugs.

Thank you for your post. Congratulations on your bandiversary and your anniversary. You rock!

Sue