Standing on the precipise

I had my surgery in March of 2011. I was so excited...I was finally going to have the lap-band done, lose a metric ton of weight, and be the person I wanted so desperately to be. At first, it was cool. I was dropping five pounds here, six pounds there...I even touched 299 for the first time in forever. I was so excited. I had lost 60 lbs in 6 months, and it was so freaking awesome.

Then, the world hit.

My mom, who was going through chemo and doing alright, was prescribed a new type of treatment that tore her body apart. She got sicker and sicker, and since I worked close by, I spent a great deal of time taking care of her. Add to that starting graduate school and taking 6 hours while teaching full-time (high school) and raising a toddler and being married and falling into depression...

I fell by the wayside and now I stand here, at 327 lbs, depressed beyond measure and disappointed that no matter how drastic the action I take, I still look like this. Sure, I've been eating what I should as much as I can. Yes, I've been working out as much as I can (down to once a week because of trainings over the summer, grad school, and taking care of mom). But then, the depression hits and I eat...and eat...and eat.  I get my band filled, trying to stop this cycle, and it's so tight, I can't drink water. So, I let out the band...and it all starts again.

I have another appointment to get my band filled tomorrow after I get blood work done for kidney issues, which are now causing me to hold water and are making things worse. I have to go in, weigh, and see them mark on the chart that I've gained...I get to get the speil about how I need to eat right, drink lots of water and use the band...and I don't know if any of this will work.

I am so lost right now...I don't know what to do. I see myself expanding like a balloon...I'm drowning in this body, and it's like I have no control over it anymore. I've failed. I've failed my son, my husband, myself...all the promises and optimism expressed a year ago are gone. Here I stand, and I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself "Ok...I'll start over. I'll do this and this and this...and I'll do it this time. It'll happen. I know it!" And then...nothing. It never happens. I see people who've had the band who've lost all this weight like it was nothing...I see people who've had the bypass and sleeve who have melted away to their ideal, people I've encouraged and helped! And here I am, 327 lbs of fail.

I'm sorry to spill, especially to a bunch of people who could probably give two figs about some anonymous person on a message board. But I'm afraid of holding onto this much longer. I mean, if a $30,000 surgery can't help me, then what the hell can?

Hugs! You are not alone. Some lose with the band, some do not (my Drs. office told me that some patients never even lose an ounce!). And MANY re-gain! The band is very much a crap shoot. A VERY EXPENSIVE CRAP SHOOT!!!

Take a deep breath! You have taken the first step to start over. Go to your appointment. Remember why you are doing this and start completely over again. You had a good start the first time so you can do it again. Focus on what you need to do to manage all the issues in your life and use that instead of food. Have a good talk with your NUT at your appointment to get back on track.

Good luck, let us know how you do.

What Sue said --- deep breath.

Go to your appointment -- if they try to berate you, stop them and say "yep - that is why I am here -- because I need your help".

It does not sound like a revision surgery is an option for you (at least not right now), so the best thing is to get the help your doctor can give you and focus on the things you CAN control.

For example, you can control whether or not you drink with your food.  Don't do it -- give yourself 45 - 60 minutes after you eat before you drink again.

You can control how much water/low-calorie fluid you take in (min of 64 ounces)

You can control getting 15 - 30 minutes of walking per day (get up early, shorten your lunch hour, get out in the evening)

It helps me to focus before I eat anything --- meal or snack or even just a bite -- I stop and make sure that what I am about to eat is worth it.  Will it nourish my body, or just surrender to a craving (not always a bad thing)?  I just try to be conscious and really decide if it is worth it.

Mostly -- give yourself a break.  Be nicer to you -- you have had alot on your plate.
Only YOU know the difference between being nice to yourself and giving yourself permission to continue to eat and gain weight ----- there is a line and I think we all need to find it within ourselves.

The balance between loving ourselves enough to discipline the little kid in there who just wants mac and cheese -- for every meal!!! ---- and parenting ourselves because we would not let a child in our care do that for very long.

I hope your appointment goes well and that you get the help and encouragement you need.

Please don't beat yourself up. You have so much going on in your life right now, its enough to challenge a world class bander. Maybe you could get a few sessions with a therapist and talk through some of this. Perhaps you can decide to put grad school on hold or get some additional help at home or with your mom. It sounds like you had maybe made more time for you the first 6 months and now everything else is coming first and taking care of you is at the bottom of the list.  Are you going to a support group? That could be a good place to go to get input on getting back on track.

 Ok, been there. You are doing too much  Mom, dtr to sick mom, school, work, wife. Ask yourself, how many roles do the people around you have. I bet not as many as you. The band is time consuming. It takes longer to eat, to shop, to plan your meals, AND it does not work well under stress. If you want to suceed, have others help your mom, not just you, cut back on school, or work or both. You need wiggle room because as you know, all doesn't run smooth. And if you can't make these changes, then reckognize your life is out of control and you don't need to beat yourseld up too. Re read your own post, and ask yourself, could anyone possibly accomplish all those things.  

 I'm still very new to the band (almost 7 weeks post-op) but I'm not new to depression, stress, and failing at losing weight multiple times.  You can work this band successfully, you did it before and lost 60 lbs!  That's no small feat!  Living a healthier lifestyle, watching what you eat, making time to exercise...all these things take an incredible amount of mental and physical energy, and the way I see it, we have to become pretty self-absorbed to be successful at it.  At least at first, until it becomes less of a struggle and more rote.  (At least that's what I'm hoping will happen to me.)  

But then life gets in the way -- a sick parent, a small child, school, husband, work....  You simply can't shoulder it all!

Give yourself a break.  Cut something out if you can -- maybe drop one course, get some babysitting help, that kind of thing.  Definitely find someone you can talk to who can help guide your thinking -- there are lots of therapists out there who deal with weight loss issues.  Is your husband supportive?  Sometimes they don't realize what we need because they've never dealt with these issues and we don't communicate our needs clearly enough.  After explaining and explaining, mine is finally happy to take the kids off my hands in the evenings so I can have some time to exercise.

You're not a failure.  You're a human being with an extraordinary amount of responsibility and you're not made of steel.  :)

I spoke with the RD/Nurse today at my appointment. I think they fact that I had already been a bit emotional today on the ride over there and it was obvious in my eyes. We talked about what was going on, and to my surprise he was very supportive (he's always been very drill sergeant with me). We talked about portions, made a plan to meet up again in a few weeks, and he expressed concern about the swelling. The fact that I had gained 12 lbs since my last visit in February was shocking, and he said that he thought it was actually retained water instead of massive fat gains that was causing the spike in weight. We talked about a few options and the blood draw I had today. He gave me some resources to get some mental help (which I desperately need), and even gave me a hug before I left. 

I appreciate you all who listened and those of you reading my out pouring. I'm not a person who posts on here (I've actually been here since january of last year, but I forgot my log-in and had to make a new one), but I do read regularly. While the band hasn't exactly been my friend this last year, it has at least helped me drop weight that I had struggled for years to lose. I have a plan, one I WILL stick to with the support of my husband (who has been my rock and has listened to me more than I think he wants to).