Helpful or Harmful?

While the OH band forum is (more than we realized) a public forum, and everyone is entitled to express their feelings and opinions here, it seems to me that all too often we lose track of the fact that OH is a SUPPORT site. I know in the past that I’ve alienated other members with a disapproving response to their comments. Apparently I hadn’t made it clear that I was objecting to the way they were expressing themselves rather than to the content of their comments. I’ve been known to dish out some tough love myself when it seemed indicated. My point is that it’s not necessary to deliver a negative message in a negative way. We need to be aware of how we’re communicating, because like it or not, that affects how the message is heard.

 

Here’s an example. Jane Doe posts that at 10 months post-op, she’s disappointed with her weight loss and can’t seem to find a fill level that gives her restriction without giving her side effects like reflux and/or eating problems. One day she can eat steak, the next day she can hardly swallow water. She asks, “What am I doing wrong?"

 

Several members respond. Read their posts and tell me if you think their responses are helpful or harmful.

 

Member A: “The band just doesn’t work for most people. No matter what they do or how much fill they get, they never get restriction so they don’t lose weight. The band is the biggest waste of money I’ve ever spent." This member is expressing her own disappointment, but is it a helpful or harmful response to the original poster’s (OP) question?

 

Member B: “Your first mistake was getting banded in the first place. If you’d done your homework pre-op, you’d know that the band doesn’t work, it’s not the safest WLS, and it causes terrible complications. Wise up and revise to [xyz surgery]." This member is also very clearly disenchanted with the band, but expresses her feelings in a way that imply that the OP is an idiot. Is that a helpful or harmful response to the OP’s question?

 

Member C: “Oh, you poor thing. I feel the same way. I just had my 43^rd fill and still no restriction. I’m just devastated. I just don’t understand why the band isn’t working for deserving people like you and me. I had band surgery so it would be easy to lose weight, and it’s not easy at all. My husband is mad at me for spending so much money on surgery that didn’t work, and says he’ll leave me if I don’t lose this weight. I don’t know what to do now." This member is offering sympathy, and her own sad story, but is it a helpful or harmful response to the OP’s question?

 

Member D: “It sounds like you’ve discovered that the band is a fickle mistress. I know how frustrating it is to have restriction that fluctuates so much. Are you exercising? Have you tried keeping a food log? Are you on any meds that could affect your weight? Have you had any blood tests recently to check your thyroid function? Have you talked with your surgeon about your disappointing weight loss? Good luck, and hang in there." You can probably guess who Member D is. Is this a helpful or harmful response to the OP’s question?

 

Member E: “I had a similar experience. I suggest that you talk to your surgeon and ask to have an upper GI study done to make sure your band is in the right position. I suffered symptoms for 6 months and wish I’d had an upper GI done sooner. It turned out my band had slipped, so I decided to revise to the [abc surgery], have lost my excess weight and haven’t had any problems with my revision. You can send me a PM if you have more questions; I’ll be glad to help any way I can."

I hope it’s obvious that this a helpful, not a harmful response, that offers both empathy and constructive suggestions.

 

OK, that’s the end of today’s lecture. Questions, anyone? Answers? Jokes or riddles? No? That’s fine. Thanks for attending today’s webinar and stay tuned for the next installment of Band University.

Jean

Jean,

I have been AWOL .. But recently read about your issues and need for a revision.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am praying for the best outcome possible.

You have always been such a great source of information and support to me.
Your insight helped me go into my surgery knowing heat the band would and could do for me ... And what I needed to do for myself.

Be well, my friend and keep us updated on your journey.

Thanks, Kath. I'll keep you posted about the next turn in my road...

Thanks Jean. We all need to check our own opinions at the door and try to respond to how the poster seems to be feeling, answer the question asked, and give positive advice and support. It is very easy to fall into negative patterns and I, for one, have been guilty of this in the past. At the minimum when we respond to opinion it should be in a respectful manner.

So there! Take that 'ole Jean! Ha!

Wait a minute. I've got to finish this delicious cup of sugar-free jello before I respond to your post....What flavor is it, you ask? Well, it's red. I know it's red, and it's absolutely divine, just as you promised...slurp....

OK, that's done.

I'm glad you understand the point of this thread...I knew YOU would, anyway.

J

Hi there!  
As I tell all of my employees "it is all in the approach!!"

Even when I reprimind employees I make it a point to point things out but not in an attacking manner!!

In order to have an excellant forum, all have to agree to disagree!!

Great post!

Thanks, Ann...I knew you'd understand!

From a newbie, well said!

well written!

and thank you for writing it.  how are you feeling these days???

I'm feeling HUNGRY! But otherwise, I'm hanging in there!