OT: FYI I am going crazy..

I am a basket-case right now....my ex husband had 2 heart attacks yesterday and has died. I am trying so hard to be a good mom and be there for my boys because they are all that ever mattered to me.  Here it is 3 well I guess an hour has passed and now its 4 am and I'm still awake...crying over a man that was hateful and hurtful and cruel to me.  A man that it took me ten years to escape..... and yet somehow when I sit here in the dark by myself...I hate knowing that he is gone....  not for me...my feelings for him left along time ago, but for my boys who are far to young to lose their father. They are 22, 19, and18 today.... how is that for great...the day my baby becomes a man....he is at his step mothers planning a funeral for his father.... :(
...I am a basket case right now, I cant fix this for my kids, I cant bring their dad back, I cant pick up my phone and be super ***** and fix it, or save money, or get a degree, or lose weight, or anything....NOTHING I DO WILL EVER FIX IT FOR THEM and I feel like I have failed.  I sit here in the dark in front of my computer, while the one man that seems to care about me is sleeping at the other end of the house and I sob like fool over someone that was so hurtful to me for so long....
I feel isolated, left here while my boys  are with my exs family comforting his widow (4Th wife for less than a year) My boys are all that matter to me.....and it sucks that as their mom I have to let them go through this, that I am having some of the feelings I am having... and that even if I had all the freaking braincells in the world and I couldn't fix this....I hate that....I'm sorry for rambling....but had to do more than just sit here..I'm gonna go finish baking my sons pie he wanted for his birthday....not that he is here to eat it....but it will give me something to do... I really gotta save for a pool here at the house...  ....desperately swimming

So sorry for what you are going thru! it is hard to feel so helpless when it comes to our kids. This shows what an amazing Mom you must be. All that you can do is be there for what your boys need. Hang in there, sending you my thoughts and prayers for you and your family

I am praying for you and your family. You have not failed, You can't fix it just be there when they need to you,

I am sorry for you and your boys loss. You are a very caring and compassionate woman. Remember that you cannot fix what you cannot control. In time, you and the boys will be fine. My husband too lost his father at a young age. Just be there for them.

 my prayers are with your family.
Try to keep your head above water and keep swimming.
Wendy

 ((hugs))

Be there for your sons and most of all treat yourself gently.  I'm so sorry :(

I am so sorry for your loss. My ex was murdered right before Thanksgiving so its been rough for me too. Fortunately, no children. I hope and pray that things will get better for you.

So sorry Swoosh...wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.   I remember when my stepfather Ed died.  He and my mom were already divorced. He was a mean drunk and I hated him.  Yet, I bawled my eyes out when I later learned he was killed in a car wreck (DWI no doubt).

Maybe your tears stem from a love you forgot a long time ago.  I mean, you were attracted to him once..    Your  sons aren't little boys anymore.  They will be okay.  Just wish you weren't alone right now.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Swooosh)))))))))))))))))))))

*prayers and hugs*

I lost my dad right after I turned 19.  It was unexpected and I had never even imagined what it would be like.  I'm 32 now and doing just fine.  There's a period of mourning and grieving that everyone has to go through when something like this happens.  In time, your boys will be ok, too.  All you can do is be there as their mom.  

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault.  From experience, I can tell you this doesn't help and can in fact, make things worse.  Even though you mention he was hateful and hurtful to you, you may still mourn him too.  It's ok.

Just do the best you can to be the best mom for your boys that you know how to be.  They'll love you for it.  And some day, all will be right with the world.

Take care of yourself!  

Dear Swoosh,

You are probably grieving mainly for your kids.  You feel so bad for them because you can't fix it for them.  I just went thru a similar situation.  My 2 granddaughter's other grandmother passed away.  She was so close to them (lived across the street, babysit them everyday)  The first few weeks I was so sad for them. My husband could not understand why I took it so hard.  Don't get me wrong, it will always be sad, but as you see your kids adjusting, it will get easier.

Also, they are all together to support each other, where you are alone, making it much harder for you.   I will be thinking of you, I completely understand what you are going through. 

Colleen