A "LOVE/HATE" relationship with my body

I don't think this is ever going to go away, no matter what I weigh. I can NEVER be happy with how I look! 

When I had my band emptied, replaced after the hernia, and emptied again a year later (too tight), I ate like a pig. Actually, I ate like the person I THOUGHT had been killed off by WLS and I put weight back on. I thought I had the old "emotional eating/stress eating/food as comfort" thing beat.  While I have put on more than I am comfortable with, I still have had tremendous success with the band, but I find it harder to celebrate my success.

My poor little band is trying so hard to keep me in check, and I just keep fighting back. Newbies: harken! When you hear that WLS is "just a tool", remember it. Because it's the truth.

I swear that every ounce I gained went right on to my thighs and butt and I see everything from the waist (the Mason-Dixon line) down as horrifying and grotesque.

I know that I have to get my ass back to support groups, which I haven't gone to in, literally, years. I am trying to get back to the gym more (this pic was taken after workout this morning) but it's hard in the winter when it's 18 degrees, 8 degree windchill, and my arthritic old knees are killing me. But I AM trying.

I just want to hear that I am not the only one who can't seem to nudge the "I hate myself" insanity out of my head once and for all! 

 All things considered, I have to say I am still very happy with my results, when I see them side by side with my preop . . .

you look wonderful bette! 

and i know what you can do...start riding--as in horseback riding.  where am i losing my weight?  oh, my thighs.  not my tummy, but my thighs....so c'mon over and you can ride Macho the wonder horse....

Bette,

You still look great! I haven't been on this board much over the last 3 years, but you were a huge inspiration to me when I was losing with the band. However, unlike you, when I started having problems with my band I abandoned everything I had learned and gained it ALL back. Sure I like to blame a lot of that on the tragic death of my best friend and then 7 days later finding out that I was pregnant with my 5th kid, but I digress... It is amazing how you can just completely let go of everything you worked for and go into and eating induced fog. Or maybe that's just something I do.

Everytime I start getting pissed off about what I let me do to myself again, I just have to keep thinking "That part is over. And now there is nowhere to start from but where I am".  I'm not excited about having to lose 132 pounds all over again, but what can you do? I'm just hoping I learned some kind of great life lesson so that I'll never do that again.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "Thank  you" for being honest about your ups and downs. And also for still being a big inspiration :)

Oh, you are not the only one!! I am coming to realize body dysmorphia is most likely going to haunt me for a long, long time.

And what is it about the thighs?? I keep thinking if I lose a couple of more pounds, it has just GOT to come from my thighs...but instead, I just get bonier on top (which grosses me out a little).

And I agree, I was in a routine of getting up a few times a week at 4 am to go swimming before work, but it is REALLY HARD when it gets cold...and I don't even have arthritic knees...and I live in the south! lol

And as far as beating the whole emotional eating thing...yeah, yesterday I got in a fight with my fiance and turned it into a sugar coated day. Luckily it didn't show on the scale (yet), but it is a slippery slope that I have to keep vigilant over.

So, anyway, yeah, you're not the only one. I do find the side by side pictures help when I get a little too crazy.

When I see this picture taken the day after Christmas...



...I think...look at those huge thighs! I also had my hands in my coat pockets kind of pulling it open and my fiance posted this to facebook and I thought...oh, I hope no one thinks the edge of my coat is really where my hips jut out.

But, when I look at this progress pic, taken probably 10-15 lbs ago, right next to my before pic, I think, "hey, I've lost some weight!"



And when I look at these pics I think, "why am I sitting in this tire and what's up with those crazy eyes???"





You have come so far and are one of the most inspirational WLS success stories around. And if you find a way to nudge the insanity out of your head (and I'd settle just to get it out of my eyes!), please, please let the rest of us in on how its done!

Lindsey

U look like a completely different person! So glad you got to revise! :-)

 You are so not alone in this pretty lady, my arms are my issue. I litreally can't even stand to look at them in the mirror anymore b/c it upsets me so much.

That's what sleeves are for TM! ;-)

 I know, I knew I would never be able to go sleeveless or even wear cap sleeves, but it's gotten to a point now where even some short sleeved shirts are a no go for me! I really need to start working my arms out, build up some nice muslce for it to drap over so it does not hang quite so low LOL

Focus on what you've lost (weight), not what you've gained (batwings)! It's much better to have excess skin than excess fat! Btw..........what size are u in now?