falling in love again

 After losing 80 pounds I decided to join an internet dating service.  I was quickly pounced upon by a scammer.  I was so innocent after hiding out in my excess fat suit for so many years that I quickly succumed to the ardent poetic words of love given me by way of email, instant messaging, and phone calls.  

I fell so hard for the German man who approached me through the dating service.  I was completely smitten but once I realized it was a scam I quickly stopped it.  However, withdrawing from the feelings aroused by his ardent lovemaking (I never saw him in person) has been very painful.  Even drug withdrawal couldn't be as bad as this.  

I still need to lose another 80+ pounds to get to my goal but I want a relationship now.  I just don't feel I will ever find the one who will make me feel like the German scammer did.  The men who approach me can't compete with his coached performance.  

Has anyone else out there experienced anything like this scammer experience on the internet dating service?  Or does anyone have any sage advise to offer.  I became so disillusioned by the dating service I unsubscribed.  Should I go back on and settle for someone or wait till I lose the rest of the weight when I know I will look better then try for the real thing again?  I know this sounds lame but I have been out of the "game" so long I don't know what to do.  I do know I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want a man's strong arms around me again and to feel loved again. 

I know exactly what you're talking about!  I got on eHarmony right after my divorce.  I met several men in person after sending them my pictures and they all treated me as if I was this grotesque ugly animal!  One man sat down with me at the resturant and then claimed to have left his wallet and went to the car to get it - never to return.  He then sent me a text stating he felt like puking when he saw me.  I was crushed!  He, BTW, was over 500lbs!

After getting the lapband losing my first 100lbs, I went back to eHarmony and met the man of my dreams.  He and I were totally compatible.  I fell in love and I fell hard.  We didn't meet in person for over a year because he honestly stated he had a great bias against weight and would find me very unattractive in person.  WE met finally and 15 days later, 4 days before Christmas he broke up with me in an email stating he could never find me attractive and he could tell by my bone structure than even if I lost the rest of my weight, I would not be pretty!  I thought I was going to die.  I  had never loved anyone the way I loved him.  I know it's insane, but it's true.  I had been married for 22 years to a man who cheated on me the entire time.  So to have someone treat me with love and affection (atleast  until he met me in person) I felt the void in me had been filled.  Four months later, he begged me to take him back.  I did and we dated for another year.  I lost another 200 lbs and he broke up with me again the end of January stating he just couldn't wait any longer for me to lose the rest of my weight!

I can honestly say that there is no pain like the pain of a broken heart.  I wanted to die and felt I was dying.  My heart hurt and I could hardly breathe. 

It's 10 months later and I have reunited with a man I met 7 years ago on eHarmony.  We had never met in person until this last July.  He told me when he saw me at the airport, he knew he was in trouble because I was more beautiful than he ever imagined!  Believe me, it will happen for you - just don't ru**** and if a man mentions money at any time in your dealings with him, deleted him ASAP.  I had several scammers - one from Germany also and he asked me to send him $2K for him and his son to come and meet me in person.  Me?  I have $2K just sitting around like that?  Not!   I deleted him from my life ASAP.

Protect your heart, but don't hide it.  Allow yourself to heal properly and then try a different internet dating service.  eHarmony was one of the only ones I found where the men are not just looking for sex or a super model.  We deserve to be loved for our hearts first and foremost and then we deserve to be desired.  I never thought I'd find a man who would desire me.  I have a lot of physical flaws after weighing almost 500lbs.  I'm a good woman and I can offer a lot of love to a man who is worthy.

I give you a hug.  I know your pain.  Don't give up!
Love,
dee~

 Dee I can't tell you how much your email meet to me.  I am still in such fresh pain and have hidden my heart and my self from a relationship for so long.  This experience was more painful than any physical pain.  To be loved again, to be cherished and feel the wonder of desire again after so many years just to have it crushed--unbearable.  I got the band to feel better healthwise, but as I also started to look better I thought it was time to open myself to love again.  Then to have the scam happen was devastating .  

From you picture you look beautiful to me I can't imagine anyone not finding you attractive.  Right now I am so down on men I just want to say they are all creeps!!  I shouldn't say that as I have a son but honestly sometimes I listen to him and he can be such a creep (smile)  I love him more than anything but can't understand what it is in the man gene that makes them so insensitive.

I did go on one date after the scam with an attractive guy and we really hit it off, he seemed really into me and we couldn't stop talking and he gave me a wonderful goodnight kiss, asked me for all my information so he could get in contact and I haven't heard from him since.  I am just so discouraged regarding dating/relationships and still hurting from the German scam guy.

My plan is to go into hiding again until I lose another 50 pounds than try one of the dating sites again.  (I wiped all my info off the match.com site and unsubscribed (I had almost 650 "hits" in only one month, but only one date.)  

I'm not having any trouble losing and exercising,  I'm highly motivated, Thank God.  And I'm really motivated by my need for a man in my life again after all these years (I've been in hiding for 15 years).  All of a sudden it is like some button was pushed and my libido is on again, on high in fact.  What is up with that :)

I am not a needy person in spite of how this sounds, but I really needed someone to relate to my pain on this and I thank you so much for coming through for me.  Thank you.  Janetta

HI Janetta--

i'm fortunatly one of the lucky ones...i married my college sweetheart and here we are, 21 years of marriage, two kids, and still in love.

but, i have watched my single friends....and watched their trials and tribulations with various dating sites.  my one friend, i think...has it figured out.  rather than using the dating sites, she visited the site www.meetup. com and joined meetup groups in her area that interetested HER.....like wine tasting, art stuff, etc (meet up has groups for EVERYTHING).  in this manner, she made, not dates, but friends.  eventually, one friend became a special friend, and they have been together for several months now.  So my question would be...what interests YOU?? 

and I am so awed by everyone sharing their stories here...you are all wonderful people. 

betsey

Dee,  I actually genuinely cannot believe your first two stories- either the lady on your profile pic is not you or you had blind dates with the two biggest idiots walking on the earth's surface!!!

Well, to his credit (the first guy in the resturant) I had only lost 80lbs with the band at the time I met him.  My weight had been 488.  The second guy was just downright hateful.  I can't believe I stayed with him for 22 months.  He once told me he tried to not look at me because he found me so unattractive and he didn't like to hug me because it reminded him of how fat I still was.  In my mind, I kept thinking, "If I can just lose the rest of my weight, he'll love me!"  Very dysfunctional, I know.  I do understand about men and attraction.  They are very visual and they have to be physically attracted to a woman or things don't work.  I don't blame them for that, it's the way they are made.  For me, I fall in love with the personality first.

wow, I am an rnyer but I like to read on all the forums....your story literally made me cry and I had to chime in, I cannot believe someone would treat another human being that way.  I hope that you find all the happiness in the world. 

First of all, thank you for sharing your story.  I'm so sorry you had such a negative experience.  It's terrible that there are people out there taking advantage and playing with peoples emotions.

My story is unique.  I decided to go online when I was at my highest weight 330+ lbs.  I had spent the previous 20 years eating myself to death because of the hurt and abandonment I experienced from my first marriage when I was 23.  (My then husband came home one night to announce that he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce.)  I weighed 155 lbs back then and he hounded me regularly to lose 20 lbs because he heard that models that were 5'10" tall like me weighed around 130!  Oh how I wish I had the maturity to kick HIM to the curb.  It would have saved me a lot of weight gain and heartache.

Anyway, 4 years ago I went on Match.com.  I was very honest, extremely specific and set a radius of 50 miles from where I lived. (I had long distance relationships before and know that I don't want that.  They just are not based on reality...too much romance without daily exposure and opportunity to see how a person lives day-to-day.) I was up front about my weight, (not the number but that I was "Over weight").  I also said in my profile that I was looking for a Christian man who is willing to go to church every Sunday (not a lot of those around these parts any more).  I've had enough life experience  to know what I want and what I won't tolerate in a relationship so I felt it only fair that I was completely up front and honest.  I didn't want to waste any more time!

Putting my picture on line was one of the hardest things I've ever done!  I was sure that nobody would respond and was mentally prepared for that possibility.  The truth?  Many looked but only one or two responded.  I started e-mailing with one man.  He seemed to be everything that I was looking for.  After a month of e-mails and some phone calls we decided to meet.  I was still convinced that he would see me and I would see the disappointment in his eyes.  (He'd only seen a head shot, not my full body.)  We met in a bookstore and I got there 30 minutes early so I could see him approach.  He walked in, looked around and out eyes met.  What I saw shocked me!  Instead of disappointment I saw immediate pleasure in his eyes!  He didn't see the 330 lbs. at all.  He was one of those men that truly didn't care about weight.  I'd heard that they existed but I never really believed it.  Why would I believe someone could love me the way I was when I didn't even love myself!

So, that's the long way around this story.  My advice?  Be honest.  Don't bother with meeting men that don't live in your state.  Know that no matter what your size, you are worthy of love, and not all men are jerks!  And...when you're ready, try again.  I can see that you are beautiful and it may take some time to find the right guy, but consider it dating practice.  Protect yourself.  Now that you know what CAN happen you are prepared for the possibilities.  Most importantly, if your weight matters to anyone but yourself, he's not the right guy!  You can be loved unconditionally.

I married that man in the book store 9 months after we met and we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary.  I believe God sent him to me to show me that I am worthy of love and that I am absolutely not defined by my weight but by my actions.  Here are two pictures to show the transformation that I was able to  go through thanks to my band and the man who loved me before I loved myself.

Take care of yourself first and when you're ready, try again.  There's a very lucky man somewhere out there looking for you!

Lisa O.

2007


2009

 What a wonderful and beautiful story, it made me cry and I never cry.  You are such a handsome couple.  Thank you for you kind words, advise and understanding.

hi Turtletot

I have not read any of the other responses, so what I am saying has probably already been said.  However, it bears repeating!!!!

You need to be okay with YOU before you enter into any kind of intimate relationship.  Weight has been a way to define ourselves, and you have to embrace the person you are, regardless of your weight.  We cannot bring anything to the table as a person without being confident in ourselves. 

As far as scammers, this is the internet.  Con men are all over.  And what he had you believing was the workings of a con man.  It wasn't personal towards you, he probably had a bunch of you on the hook at one time.  I don't mean to be harsh but that's really how it is.  The internet provides an anonymity that nothing in the world can duplicate.

Be okay with YOU, regardless of your weight.  Then when that happens you won't settle for anybodys **** :)

Good luck!!!  And Happy Thanksgiving.

Donna