Don't like what you're hearing here on the band forum?

Don't like what you're hearing here on the OH band forum? If you have a few minutes, perhaps you'll listen to what I have to say about it, and about the idea of listening versus hearing what other people say.

I am hearing-impaired. I’ve suspected that for years and a hearing test in 2010 showed that I have moderate to severe hearing loss in the high frequency range (especially women’s and children’s voices). I’m not completely deaf, but the impairment is very frustrating (especially at my retail job) because although I can often hear a person’s voice, I can’t hear it well enough to understand what the person is saying. Also, if I can’t see a person, I can’t hear them, so I’m afraid that customers who come up behind me or summon me from behind a display fixture are thinking that I’m purposely ignoring them. Background noise, like the store “musak", makes it even harder for me to hear properly, and I end up asking a person to repeat themselves 3 or 4 times, which is probably very frustrating for the poor customer who urgently needs directions to the restroom.

It has taken me over a year to accumulate $3000 for the hearing aids I need. I’ve had them for 2 weeks now and am amazed by them. I can hear things I haven’t heard for a long, long time, and things that I’ve never heard before at all. The difference is so dramatic, I have to wonder how much harm my hearing impairment has done to my interpersonal relationships, not only in how others perceive me (they think I’m not interested, or ignoring them, when I just can’t hear them) but in how I perceive others. If I’ve been understanding just a fraction of what they’ve been saying to me, perhaps I don’t know them as well as I thought I did. I have a coworker who bores me to tears, but it’s entirely possible that she occasionally says something interesting, and if could hear and understand her better, I might like her better (or not – at times deafness is a blessing).  

At the heart of my personal story of hearing impairment is another story that applies to every human being. Because we are too hurried, overworked, stressed, or whatever, we tend to filter out noises that we don’t have the time or energy to decipher. And when we do slow down enough to hear the whole message, we’re still not going to “get" it unless we actively listen to it.

Another human frailty is the tendency to personalize what we hear from other people. There’s nothing basically wrong with that. When encountering a new person or object or idea, we use the scant information we’ve gathered about it to try and fit it into our own frame of reference – our own experiences and world view. That’s okay until our own frame of reference begins to distort the new data by judging it as good, bad, relevant, irrelevant. It’s okay until our brains say, “I don’t like or understand what I’m hearing, so I’m not going to listen to any more of it."

We can make some big mistakes by doing that. A few days after I got my hearing aids, I heard a loud crackling noise coming from the kitchen and instantly concluded that the kitchen was on fire. In a panic, I ran out of my study and into the hallway, at which point I saw my husband running water into the stainless steel sink and, by connecting the noise and the sight before me, I realized there was no fire after all and skidded to a stop instead of spraying the room with fire extinguisher foam.

I’ve had a similar experience when communicating with other people in the invisible but powerful world of the internet. I can’t see their faces or read their body language as they “speak" via text on a page. I don’t know most of them personally, have never visited the town they lived in, and don’t know if they speak with a western twang or a southern drawl. I’m blind to their personal histories except for what they choose to mention in a forum post or private message. So when they say something that’s foreign to me or that I don’t like, my so-called logical brain mulls it over and eventually sticks the person’s words in a mental cubbyhole, labeled anything from “stupid" to “crazy." The next time that person speaks up, my brain already knows how to categorize their words, quickly sends them into the appropriate mental storage area, and moves on to something more interesting or compatible.

Those of us with pet insecurities – and admit it, you have at least one or two of those – also misinterpret other people’s utterances by filling in all of the spaces between the words with our own ideas or our own feelings. So when Jane Doe says, “I hate the Lap-Band," what I hear is more like, “I hate the Lap-Band and every other person who has one and especially Jean McMillan because she loves hers and wrote a book about it." The instant I saw those words appear on my computer screen, they looked ridiculous to me. While it’s possible that one or two people are indeed thinking that very thing about me, it’s far more likely that their meaning was actually, “I hate my Lap-Band, I’ve had so many problems and disappointments I wish I never got it, and I want to make sure everyone in the universe knows how bitter I am about it." To assume that a stranger is talking about me when she’s talking about herself is kind of like turning myself into the Wizard of Oz – the wizard who seemed so big and important and powerful (well, I am important to me!), but is actually a nerd standing behind a curtain.

 

 I don't hate you (but I do hate the band), I do LOVE the things you post and it's one of the reasons I always come back here to read. This post could hold true for SO many things in life. I think you are a great inspiration for those who do well with their bands, and I don't think anyone should feel guilty or upset because they love the band. I loved my band at one point, and I think both sides of the argument could learn a thing or two from you!

And I appreciate the way you're willing and able to respond to bandsters' posts and questions in a way that focuses on real issue - usually an issue that we can all understand - be it self-confidence, self-doubt, disappointment, frustration, triumph....

Jean

Hi Jean,

Thanks for sharing your story about your hearing impairment and hearing aids. I am a doctor of audiology (and I'm crossing my fingers that you went to an audiologist and not a dealer...) and found your story very interesting. Hearing aids can be difficult to get used to and it sounds like you are meeting the challenge head on! I'm a hearing aid nerd, so if you want to talk anything about hearing aids, shoot me a PM and I'm sure I could bore you to tears.

I would echo that any time I discuss my band and sleeve experiences with pre-ops or people looking to revise, I am never saying that I dislike bandsters!! Yet, I am also not  saying, "I want to make sure everyone in the universe knows how bitter I am about it."

I'm not bitter. I'm so thankful. I am so in love with my sleeve and my near normal BMI (10 lbs to go!!!). I love all my new regular size clothes from all the regular size mall stores. I love having extra room in an airplane seat. I love to wear cute workout clothes and not feel like I'm dying when I walk up stairs. I love, love, love my life minus those 114 pounds.

No bitterness here. My struggle with the band is a sad spot in my past though. And it was depressing when I had to revise. I wish I had been on OH then to know how many others require revisions from the band. It was lonely and I was internalizing the failure of the band even though I worked so hard to make it work.

That is why I hang around the band forum and try to help others see the stats on the band. Not everyone will experience band failure, but there is a good chunk who will and I want them to know that they are not alone and it doesn't mean that there isn't hope. The sleeve was my hope and it has been a dream come true.
 
Thanks again for sharing!
Lindsey

Lindsey,

I'm glad to know that a hearing specialist is only a PM away, since the nonprofit speech and hearing center I  go to is a 3-hour round trip drive and talking on the telephone is still a challenge. Yesterday I had my Phonak BTE's adjusted up to 90% of my prescription (after 2 weeks at 80%...and the first week I thought I'd have a meltdown because of all the noise) and the audiologist enabled my volume control on the devices. At about 6:30 pm (central time) tonight when I was at work with musak overhead and a mumbling caller on the phone (sounded like she was eating a peanut butter sandwich while talking), I would have given anything to have a hearing angel like you appear and show me what to do!

Your paragraph explaining that you're thankful, not bitter, about revising from the band to the sleeve is actually a very clear example of what you, as a sleeve lover, and I, as a band lover, have in common. I too love my normal BMI, my new clothes, my ability to sit in any seat in an airplane, theater, or restaurant. I love being able to walk up a flight of stairs without panting. I love my life without my excess weight. So both of us are living a dream come true, and so what if we got to our destinations via different paths?

Jean

Great post, Jean! Makes the point excellently!

Aren't hearing aids great? I don't think my loss is as bad as yours sounds but it is the same type of loss. I got hearing aids about 6 months ago. I don't wear them all the time but just when going into noisy situations.

$3000??? Wow! Doesn't insurance cover them? We are lucky over here, totally free on the NHS! And when I stood on one ( !!! ), I just called the hospital and they gave me a new one immediately!

Kate

Kate,

Our insurance policy covers hearing aids only for children under age 7. Other than that, it's a wonderful policy. Especially because it paid for 100% of my bariatric surgery!

I have very mixed feelings about these hearing aids because they'll probably last no more than 2-3 years, and I have no idea how I will afford to replace them then. But in the meantime, I can hear strange and wondrous things...my dog's toenails clicking on the floor...the whir of the ceiling fan...and of course, the obnoxious musak at work.

Jean

When I first wore mine, the noisiest thing was my footsteps!!

Jean, Congratulations on the hearing aids. I have been trying to talk my husband into getting some for a long time. He is missing so much of what goes on around him. Sounds like you are adjusting well.
I think the listening and hearing aspects of life are ones we all need to think about at times. I know I am of guilty of hearing what I want to hear and then lumping all of the rest of what I don't want to hear in a "junk" box.
Lindsay- I am very glad you responded to the bitter statement. I think that is another example of how some things don't translate as well via text. I have hung on to every word Jean has said at times. It was what I needed to hear at the time. That I too could make it through this strange new world I have entered. I apperciate every newsletter, response to a question or PM she has sent me. They have truly helped.
On the same Hand I have been experiencing some things that I don't think Jean has ever experienced. It has been important to me to hear from each of you that have band trouble. It has given me questions to ask my doctor,the thought that I am not alone in "doing everything right" and getting wrong results. I am hoping to get through this and come out still being banded, time will tell.
Thank you to everyone on this board *****ally trys to share their experience and help all of us newbies.
Thanks, Diane

As usual Miss Jean pegs it again. It is so hard to tell the feelings behind statements on the net. While I am not at all fond of my band I tell my tale so others will know that there is a big difference between what the docs tell them and a possible reality of band problems. I wish we all had the great experience you had and I'm truely happy for your success! I just want newbies to know that there can be very serious issues with the band. I'm glad we can both have our seperate opinions and still be friends, we are both merely trying to share information for others to use in making their decision. Keep up the great work and sharing my friend!