Question

This past weekend, my younger sister and my mom and I were at my mother's house and talking. I was talking about how frustrated I am about the weight not coming off as fast as I had hoped.( I also have PCOS that may be another reason why...I was 320lbs when I decided to have surgery, by the time I had WLS,7/21/10, I was 280. Lately I have been going from 235-239lbs. no matter what  I do, I can't seem to get out of  the 230's or even past 235 ) 

 My sister stated that she can really tell that I have lost and I am doing good and not to be too hard on myself. She then showed me a picture of me singing at her wedding in mid 2007 that she wanted me to see. I looked at the picture and remembered what size I was. The dress I had on was a 24 and I was wearing a girdle with it and it was STILL tight. I got it because it was the larest size they had and I really liked the dress at that time.) 

She then said that you've come a long way and that somebody should have told you that you needed to do someting about your weight. Our mom then chimed in and said, "She already knew she was fat, no one needed to tell her that." But I remember growing up that our mom never would tell me that I needed to lose weight or stop eating, push back or anything... however, she would tell my  sister when she saw that she was putting on weight. and wil still do it from time to time... I didn't  say anything to her about her comment. But it did sting a little.

I remember over the years when I would try to lose weight, I got down to a size 20 and she t old me that I didn't need to lose anymore... when we all know that a size 20 is NOT small in no way form or fashion. why did she do that? 

After I had the lapband surgery, she told me that she dreamt that I was getting too small and that she told me to stop.. but it is ok for my sister to be smaller??? why not me?? 

 About a few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking about a singer ,Jill Scott losing 63lbs and she had a trainer.. She told me that if she and I  had a trainer  WE  would lose like that too and wouldn't be as big as we are either...  I told her that doesn't mean you will lose weight, just because you have a trainer. You have to be dedicated to it no matter what you do. It did bother me that she did not acknowledge what I am doing or have done hardly.. but again I did not say anything because I didn't want to start any kind of argument. This bothers me and I am at a loss as to WHY she felt it was okay all my life to let me eat whatever the hell I wanted and did not put any limitations on it, but she did when it came to my  sister??? 

Hi Tiffany,
I get the impression from your post that your mom also struggles with her weight.  I find it interesting that the only time she mentions any desire for you to lose weight is getting a trainer and BOTH of you doing it.  Have you told her how you feel?

Maybe your mom is afraid that when you lose the weight, she'll be the only one who is overweight.  I know for me, I have always had certain friends who I pigged out with (eating buddies, if you will).  

My mom also has a weight problem and would often (unconsciously) sabotage me.  I haven't even told her I had WLS back in February (she lives in CA).  When I told her I've lost some weight, her response was, "Will I still recognize you?"  There was no affirmation or congratulations.  
In the end, we have to focus on ourselves and the task at hand.  You've committed yourself to changing your life.  You've come so far.  Don't let what ANYONE ELSE thinks damper your success so far and your success to come.

It sounds like your sister is the one to lean on for support.  Just be grateful that she is in your corner, and stay focused on your goal(s).
Good luck!!!
~ Barbara

I have told her how I feel.. But she still but she really doesn't have any answers as to why except that she thinks that I wouldn't have listened to her anyway if she did tell me I needed to lose weight. I asked her how do you knowthat?? She just says, "you just  wouldn't have done anything." 

Yes, she has a weight problem, but not her entire life like I have. But she comes up with all sorts of reason why she doesn't excercise... her hair, her joints this or that.... so I have stopped asking her about it.

I guess I am a little down because It seems that I don't have any real support besides my little sister for the most part. everyone else will say something good about it but thenturn around and say something insulting....Like I will look like a bobblehead with big eyes if I get to small... or a crack head or something like that. Just tired of people and I wish that I could leave and not deal with them at all.

 

You are right it seems like my sister is more supportive than anyone else I have in my life right now. and not to let anyone put a damper on how far I've come and where I am going. 


Thanks Barbara :) 

When I told her I've lost some weight, her response was, "Will I still recognize you?"

It's so interesting that you mentioned this. It reminded me of my mom saying the exact same thing many years ago when I told her (on the phone) that I'd lost 30 lbs after my divorce. It was almost like she wanted me to always match the image of me she had in her mind (whatever the heck that was). Then when I saw Mom in person a month or so later, her first words were, "You're not that small." Huh?

I I could explain it for you, but mother-daughter relationships are a mystery to me. Is your sister older or younger than you? Sometimes it seems like birth order affects parents' expectations of their children. My parents were more demanding of me (the oldest) than of my foster sister (younger) or brother (youngest).

My relationship with my mom was very complicated - which is certainly not unusual - and although she too struggled with obesity, she was very critical of my weight and made countless hurtful remarks throughout the years My foster sister was also obese, but Mom never mentioned that except when framed as a concern for Laurie's health. When I saw my brother after a few decades of estrangement, I was surprised to see how obese he'd become because Mom had never said a word about it to me.

I'm not sure that Mom's differing expectations of us were restricted to our weight or appearance, though. For example, when I was in my 20's she told me firmly that it was not necessary for me to give her grandchildren, but she celebrated the births of Laurie's children and was a doting grandmother to them.

In her 70's, Mom began losing her appetite and eventually got down to a "normal" size. Then a new wrinkle appeared in our relationship. She became extremely competitive with me, constantly reminding me (for example) that she wore a smaller clothing size than I did. She was in her late 80's when I had my band surgery. She hated the idea of it ("who will take care of me if you die?") and not once did she make any remark, positive or negative, about my weight loss. I suspect that at that stage of her life, every time she looked at me, she saw a 5-year-old girl with pigtails, not a 50-something woman.

Jean

I know how you feel. My mother is supporting in her own way but she competes with me. She secretly loves that I am bigger than her and when we're out in public she likes to be known as my "sister" even though I'm 23 and she's nearly 50.

I don't let it get to me...because it's not really a big deal...however when I was younger it really did bother me. I'm still bigger than her at this point. I'm interested to see how she will take it when I finally get smaller than her. She's 220 and I'm 260.

We'll see :P.

The best advice I have is...be strong. Really all you have is yourself in this world. I try not to rely at all on anyone for support. I support myself, but if you can just surround yourself with people who are positive.

I have two daughters, the oldest is obese the youngest works hard to keep the weight off.  The youngest was in favor of my surgery but the older voiced concerns.  I talked to them both about diet and exercise but the oldest does not discuss her weight or the need to lose weight.  She says she is content and that her doctor is small that's why she suggests my daughter needs to lose.  Her comments leave no room for doubt that she does not want to discuss weight.  I only answer when she brings up the subject.  She has high BP and is borderline diabetic but feels she has things under control.  With all this said when I within goal range they both said I didn't need to lose anymore weight.  Well I was smaller than my oldest and five pounds more than my youngest.  Go figure.  The conclusion of my matter is, I've gotta be me.  I started eating more and everyone said oh you've gained weight.  So now I'll decide when its enough. 
Your mom may have felt you weren't concerned so why bother.  I don't know but surely she meant well.
Z

There are some things that mothers and daughters can't discuss with each other without ******g each other off.  In your case it is your weight.  I suggest you just keep doing the right thing for yourself and just don't discuss your weight or her weight with each other.

Congratulate yourself and keep buying smaller cute clothes to reward yourself.

Thanksfor the advice. I believe that is what I am going to have to do.